Everyday, except the days when he was in KL having sex and fun with that woman, he'd send two or three sms to me as greetings. We hardly met up, as he didn't really bother to come see me much, and his calls were also minimal. He hardly replied my emails even though i wrote a lot to him, and towards the ending of the two-month period, he switched his MSN status to "appear offline" sometimes to avoid me. I asked him to take leave and go somewhere relaxing with me, as i needed rest desperately due to the long suffering, and i was also thinking that it would rekindle his love for me, but he said he was extremely busy with his project at work and the company had already retrenched some staff so it was very critical that he couldn't take leave from work.
As i've already known now, everything was just lie. He was spending all his time exchanging hundreds of sms each day with that woman. He'd talk on the phone with her many time per day, and often over an hour. He also communicated with her over the Internet after he gave her a laptop, subscribed the mobile broadband for her (and paid for it!), and taught her how to use it, so that i would find nothing on his phone or phone bill and thought that they were through already. He'd drive all the way back to JB or went out over the weekends to see her (rather than to drive within SG to see me, which he said was very far). He took leave amidst his important project, and left it to his colleague to do and a boss who was already unhappy with him, risking his job just to drive that woman to KL to relax and have fun with her China friends and to have the mind-blowing sex over and over again.
Of course, i didn't know of all these back then, and was everyday waiting for miracle to happen, waiting for my 贝 to be back to his old self in loving and caring for me so much. Everyday was spent waiting in agony, losing sleep, not eating and crying non-stop. Everyday ended in one disappointment after another that further crushed my already broken heart.
Everytime when i heard the "uh-oh" sms tone from my mobile phone, i'd hope it was him. Everytime the ringing tone sounded, i'd hope to see his name appeared on it. Whenever i got sms or calls from him, i'd be so happy in my heart, even though the frequency of sms and calls was few.
Now that i know all the truth, to think back on this event had me realise that he only sent sms to me or contacted me when he had some "spare time" off his mind from that woman. You know, his mind and heart were all occupied with that woman that maybe only once in a while, he'd suddenly remember that he did have a wife whom he had to keep for financial and practical reasons, and so he gotta show some concerns to keep the wife's hope going.
I've already accepted that i was being played like a fool back then, and am now working on letting the resentment go, even thought it's not easy. What i do not understand is this: why does he still bother to do the exact same thing now?
He'd once in a while still send me words of concerns on my sms even though i've told him that he should just stop reading my blog and stop keeping track of anything about me. What's the point really? There is NO WAY i can ever forget all these that he had done, and whatever he does will be interpreted as the same tactics anyway.
I do not understand why can't he just be faithful to ONE woman at a time now? He was able to do that for the past 8 years, so why can't he just do it again, for that woman? Since he's still with her (despite his repeated denial, i know he's lying), then why can't he treat her wholeheartedly, without any distraction from his already-separated wife?
I hate it when he is still doing what he was doing back then, showing his concerns as and when he feels like to, when he is already with another woman. What does that make of me then? Something at the back of his mind and to "play" with as and when he feels like to?
No matter how distress i am now, i can get through it myself. I have friends and family who truly love me and care for me 100%, so I do not need such kind of "charity", as if i need to beg for his 2% of spare care and concern.
I am a good person. I know i am. I may probably be the only good person who will love him without reservation and motive, who will love him the most in his entire life. He didn't treasure it and didn't care about it. He chucked it away and only now then felt that it was such as waste.
I deserve to be loved. I know i do; in fact, everyone in this world does, even that China woman who's evil in my perception. Now that i do not have his love anymore, and i may or may not meet a man who truly loves me, but i know that there are a lot of people around me who love me, and God loves me too. So what i should do is to slowly take back my love for him bit-by-bit, and then distribute it to the people who really deserve it.
Labels: rant
