It's Sunday again, and i actually do not like Sundays. Well, now i don't like any days at all.
Anyway, Sunday has always been the day that i gotta go back to SG.
For the past several years, i'd sleep till quite late on Sundays. Sometimes, i'd wake up earlier and then accompany 贝 to have breakfast before he went for his weekly badminton game. After that, i'd wait at home for 贝 to return from his game, then we'd have the lunch that mom cooked for us, and returned to SG.
What he doesn't know is that i always miss him dearly whenever he's not with me, even during Sunday when i was waiting at home for him to return. When it was already afternoon, i'd anxiously looking forward to him coming home, looking out at the window for his car sometimes.
Then for the past few months, there were changes to this routine since he got to know that woman. He no longer asked me to have breakfast with him even when i woke up early. At that time i thought he was just acting cold towards me, and now i know that it was because he was meeting that woman every Sunday behind my back, making use of my consideration for him in letting him to still go play badminton alone.
In fact, now that i look back, the picture finally fits in. That also explained why he would return from his game later and later. Last time he used to come home by 1pm+, then the last few months he would even hit 2pm sometimes.
So all these are in the past. My Sundays had changed from the peaceful serene routine of our loving life, to his cheating scheming affair, and then to the heart-broken lonely days.
I took the quiz on Facebook: "How many times will you fall in love before you marry?"
And result is "3 times"!
You are sentimental and a little gullible. When you think your really in love they end it or cheat on you because you are not enough. Right now you are a little paranoid because of your first true relationship, but that will pass.
Gosh, is that freaky or what. It's as if talking directly to me!
This reminds me of something.
My mom and aunt actually went to see a fortune teller many years back and they asked him about my fortune. The fortune teller then told them that i'd have two marriages, and the second husband will love and dote on me very much, and the mother-in-law will also get along well with me.
At that time, mom was thinking about "relationship" instead of "marriage", and actually replied the fortune teller that, "Yes, that's true. My daughter's current boyfriend really treats her very well". She was thinking of my first relationship and the second one with YY, not realising that the fortune teller actually meant marriage.
Then the other day, YY's sister also told me that my mother-in-law went to see a fortune teller for the marriage problem that her son is having. Again, the fortune teller looked at my birth date and said that i'd have two marriages.
Well, i'm not a particularly superstitious person. I do not really believe in fortune telling 100%. Yet to have two different people telling the same thing is indeed a bit freaky.
And what's more ironic is the result of the quiz... fall in love 3 times?! Haha, ok, i guess i should choose to believe it, just so that i can have the hope to meet the person who truly loves me in future.
Not sure if it's the left-over effect of the short break, or there are simply too much things on my mind.
Shit, i guess the vacation really didn't help much. Perhaps i should really move to Genting for good. I can be the toilet cleaner.
Weekend is torture to me now. I gotta be back to my JB home, more comfy than my rented room but then too full of memories that i'd rather not be reminded of now.
And at the back of my mind, the little voice will just keep telling me, "it's weekend again... he's with that woman again, doing you-know-what..."
I don't know how can i stop this thought, or if i can't, how can i not feel anything when having this thought. Even though there is no official separation paper signed and we are still husband and wife under the law, the divorce route is inevitable already. As such, i should just stop caring about him or what he does. I just have to accept that he has no more obligation towards me in terms of feelings; in fact, his feelings for me had already changed since he got to know that woman.
Just accept it, accept it, accept it, for God's sake!
I'm very pissed whenever i think about how YY protected (and still protecting) that China woman, whether by afraid of hurting her and rather to hurt me, or coming up with all kinds of reasons to defend her whenever people criticised her, or taking all the faults onto himself and claimed that she was a good woman and she wasn't in the wrong.
To him, she is not at fault at all in this affair. He still refused to see the part she played in this, leading him onto the wrong path and urging him on with all kinds of tactics. Whether she did all those because of really "loving" him, or for other reasons such as just wanting to find a good guy for company or for marrying, the bottom line is that she is selfish, immoral, has no respect for love and marriage, and does not care about other people so long as she gets what she wants. She does not have the value of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" (己所不欲，勿施于人) at all.
For instance, there was one sms that she sent to him:
Translation: "This is how young man sees love. He has not been affected by too much values in life. The success and condition of love has also not become the yardstick for him to judge life. He is still in search for the sole feeling of being smitten by love and the unexplained passion."
This was just one of the examples that she would constantly and subtlety urging him to throw away all the values in life and just follow his desires, disguised under the cover of "it's for true love". While he was already mesmerised by her but hesitating on the relationship due to his conscience and values, she was actually tempting him even further, leading him towards the road of no return instead of helping him to stop.
You see, a person who truly loves you, who truly wants the best for your life, who truly puts your well-being ahead of hers, would guide you along in your life instead of lead you to destruction (something akin to what our parents would do to us in guiding us to the right path in life). She will think of what is the right thing for you to do, and make sure you do not go the wrong way that may result in dire consequence that you have to suffer i future, whether in earthly or spiritual form.
So i wasn't joking when i said that she is just like Satan, because she was tempting YY to go to the dark side, while YY is already not the kind of righteous man by nature and needs all the guidance that he can get in life to make him a good person.
Yet, despite all the facts being thrown at his face, despite a million people around him telling him otherwise, he still thinks that she is an angel. That infuriates me very very very much.
Why do i even care about what he thinks of her, many people said to me. They told me just let him continuing his blinded affection and stupid perception of her, and let him bear the consequence himself in future.
Well, aside from i still love him dearly and do not want to see that consequence to befall him, i also feel that he had done me great injustice. It's the kind of feeling that you want to be vindicated when a great wrong has been done against you (不甘心). It's especially so when you care so much about what your loved one thinks of you and the bad person.
YY kept telling others that he was the one solely in the wrong, which totally freed her from any wrongdoings in this affair, when i've said over and over again that in any extramarital affair, both the adulterer and adulteress are equally at fault. The moment she knew that he was married and still chose to continue the relationship (calling him her boyfriend, when he's another woman's husband!), keep on tempting him further with TLC and hinting words, had sex with him, and even plotted against the wife, she is no longer "innocent" as he maintained her to be.
And the part that is more maddening is that not only he kept insisting that she is a good woman who is not at fault, he actually put the blame on me! He mentioned to me and my friend before that i should not have moved out and i should not have told all my friends about this affair. This actually showed that deep down in his heart, he is actually holding me responsible for him having the affair, as if my moving out and asking for my friends' support actually pushed him towards the affair.
So, to him, that woman is free from all guilt while i was partly to be blamed for the affair? Tell me if you do not feel f*cking furious at this.
I dedicated my life to love him, silently doing all the things that i did out of my deep love for him. Not only did he betray me to the fullest extent, in the end he is still protecting that woman and seeing her as so perfect.
What has she really done for him so far really, besides pouring all the superficial TLC on him, putting him in cloud-nine, giving him the mind-blowing sex, and at the same time destroyed his marriage, his otherwise peaceful and blissful life, his relationship with his family and some friends, affected his career, and even led him to commit the sin that in Buddhism will be punishable to the greatest suffering?!
To add insult to injury, he still says that he loves me and not her! What does he take me for really? Whenever i questioned him if what he did was any manifestation of true love at all, he would just go speechless and apologised only. Why? Because he couldn't reason it himself either, because he is in denial and refuse to see the truth.
From what i see, it's only when you love a person deeply that you will not want anyone to blame her or insult her in anyway; he'd rather himself to be punished and blamed. Yeah, you may probably say this is "selfless love", but it's towards the Satan woman whom he built as so good an image in his head, instead of the wife who has proven and shown to him in actions of her love and goodness.
The truth is, whether or not that woman is good or bad, it doesn't really matter to him at all in loving her. Whether or not that woman has been touched by so many different men before, or she has masturbated so many men before, it also does not matter to him at all when it comes to having sex with her (though i feel extremely disgusted whenever i think of it... how could he not feel dirty at all, touching and licking the same boobs that other hundreds of strangers had done the same before, and letting her hand touching his penis, which had also touched hundred of penises before??!!). If you may call it, this is also "selfless love" in that he could see beyond all these things and accept her as how or who she is.
I doubt i can ever get him to admit any of these really. There is no chance that he will finally wake up and see the bad and wrong in that woman. There is no chance that he will finally admit that despite all these, he still loves her and does not love me anymore. In short, there is no way for me to ever get the kind of justice i want out from him.
He just wanna be the ostrich who puts his head into the sand, and not to talk about this affair anymore (actually i do not believe at all that he has severe all ties with that woman, despite his family chooses to believe his words). He does not understand that by not thinking about it is just running away from it. It is a cowardice behaviour, in that you are not willing to face your own wrongdoings and weaknesses. In this way, you can never really change, you can never really become a better man.
Four years ago, when i was immersed in the blissful relationship with 贝, showered by his love and care, i've used pu-er tea as a metaphor for describing my interpretation of love.
And in reply to the comments, i wrote that:
I guess only two types of situations can enable a person to describe love -- it's either you are heart-broken or you've found your true love
Yet again, another irony huh!
Many years back when i was going through the heart-break of my first relationship, i thought of love as coffee. Then a few years back when i was happily in love, i said it's like pu-er tea.
Then how about now?
I'd say it's both actually.
Love is like coffee, bitter sweet in taste. True love is also like pu-er tea, must be kept with care, drunk with appreciation and supposedly to get better with age.
The love of two 贝s was once indeed like pu-er tea, just too bad that YY didn't treasure and appreciate the good expensive tea leaves that he had at home. He simply chuck it aside without a care and was addicted to the fake tea outside instead. Then the tea leaves at home were ruined and could never be back to the original state anymore. There is no other choice but to dispose it now.
I guess a lot of men are like that. They'd wanna try all the different kinds of tea in the market instead of just keep to one kind. But what they fail to realise is that after they had tasted all the tea and finally decided on the one they really love, that good tea may have already lost its taste or out of market already, and they can't get it back ever again.
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I still have this child-like pastime in me that not a lot of people know about. I'd sometimes color the coloring book as a way to de-stress. Yes, kind of childish but then it helps to calm myself down and gave me a feeling of returning to the trouble-free younger years.
Recently, i dug out the coloring book and started coloring again.
And guess what, love to me now is just like coloring book!
Everyone of us is just like the images in the coloring book, with the outline but colorless.
Love is the different shades that we put in, and we actually get to choose what colors to put into it, and where we put it too. We can make it as colorful as we want it, or we can leave a lot of blanks in it. It's all of our choice.
If we use the right colors and good color pencils, the colors will be long-lasting and look vibrant. If we use our heart and take extra care in filling in the colors, the images will be beautiful or even captivating.
Yet, if we do not take the coloring seriously and simply put in any colors, or color outside the lines, it will just destroy the whole picture. We can try to use eraser to correct the wrong colors or out-of-line colors, but there is no way for us to make it as good as before, and the remnant of the wrong colors will forever be visible to remind us on the mistake we made.
So you see, love is just like filling in the colors onto a coloring book. We get to choose how we want our love to be, we gotta use our hearts and soul during the process, and we must never get out of the boundary, or else the love will be tainted and even forever destroyed.
The two 贝s had been coloring the page together for many years, and the picture had always been wonderful. But it was ruined because one day YY became dull with coloring with care all the time. He decided to try out the wrong colors, and even color it out of the lines. Now what's left is this piece of ugly picture that can never be put back to its beautiful form as before anymore.
Now i'm left alone, onto a new colorless page myself. I may have to color it on my own from now on, or i may be fortunate enough to get another person to color it with me again. Whatever it is, i just hope that this time round, it will be done with care and i'll get the most beautiful and colorful picture in the end.
I always do self-reflection on things that happened to me and around me. Recently i'm especially engrossed in serious introspection.
I have been thinking... what's wrong with me really?
My first relationship ended very much differently than this one, but there's a similarity in that both the men only realised what they had lost after the breakup and wanted reconciliation.
My first boyfriend wasn't particularly loving and caring towards me. During the 7 years that we were together, i had to be extremely independent and did a lot of things on my own. My firends had even passed remarks about my first relationship before, asking me, "why is it that you have a boyfriend but you are living like without a boyfirend?"
We did love each other deeply at that time, after all, we were each other's first love. Yet, he just wasn't the kind who would take care of me and made me feel treasured and loved. For instance, he was seconded to Japan to work for a year, and during that one whole year, he had only contacted me four times.
As we knew each other in university, we kinda drifted apart even more after we started working. He became a very businesslike person, in the way that he wouldn't hesitate in engaging in office politics or manipulating people for him to climb the corporate ladder. Yet, i was still the same old me, innocent and holding on to my dreams and principles, stubbornly insisting not to be polluted by the money world.
Then one evening when he was out with his colleagues, he had a bit too much to drink and started dirty dancing with one of his female colleagues. He told me later that he actually huggged and kissed her under the influence of alcohol, and felt extremely guilty after that. Now that i come to think about it, he might probably have sex too but then of course no men would ever admit to it unless caught red-handed or concrete proof was found.
I was very much heart-broken. After all those years of negligence from him and then even betrayal, i decided to call it quit. He was also very sad over the breakup, and i heard from one of our common friends that he had several times expressed his sorrow to her and told her that i was the love of his life.
About a year after i broke up with him, he was still trying to patch back with me. He had been calling me and asking me out, hoping that we could get back together again. I was still not fully healed from the heartbreak then, and was very much troubled by it, for i did not know if i should still give it a try despite my heart and mind clearly telling me that the relationship could never work again.
Just as i was still trapped in the sorrow of the first breakup, YY appeared in my life. He once told me that despite my cheerful outlook, he could actually see the deep sorow in my eyes. He told me that he wanted to take care of me and give me happiness. He promised that he'd not break my heart like my first boyfriend did.
I hesitated at that time, telling him that i was still hurt and might not have gained back the confidence in love again. But then, his sincerity and love convinced me to take the leap, and then the rest is history.
Then fast forward to 8.5 years later, YY betrayed and broke my heart in the way worse than my first boyfriend did. All the years we spent together had been absolute blissfulness, which unlike my first relationship where there were lots of unhappy moments. Furthermore, i love 贝 a lot more than my first boyfriend, and plus he is not just a boyfriend but my husband whom i've decided to spend the rest of my life with. The blow was a hundred time, or even a thousand times harder.
Yet, YY is also harbouring the hope that we could get back together again and refused to let go of this marriage.
I couldn't help but ask myself, why both my long-term relationships had to be like this? Why both guys had to only realise how good i was and how much they should have treasured me when everything was already too late? Why couldn't they treasure me and appreciate the love and care that i was giving them while i was still with them? Is it something wrong with me that always makes the men taking me for granted?
I drew the similarities on both breakups and was even more convinced that there's no turning back anymore. My love for 贝 is so much more deeper, his betrayal is much more serious, and hence the hurt is also greater.
Sui had once told me that perhaps God saw the young me hurting so much from the first breakup that he sent 贝 into my life and gave me 8 happy years. Now that the time is up, i'm back to square one, even though the hurt is multiplied. Yet, i've also grown in age, in wisdom and definitely in fortitude too. I should be able to cope with it this time round.
If i ever get to meet another man in future and if i could find the courage to love again, then i'd hope he will be the one who can truly love, appreciate and treasure me forever.
Mom picked me up from the bus stop where the bus dropped me off.
Then i had durian again for supper. This is the 4th time i'm having durian in this durian season. I'm a bit sick of it already actually. I'd really puke if there's any more of it.
Felt the extreme loneliness again. Didn't feel so when i was at Genting. Not sure if it was because of the place or because LF was around.
But whether i'm up there and down here, i miss 贝 the same.
Sigh, i really need to get him out of my system if i wanna be happy again.
The moment that the bus reached the ground level, my mood was back to gloomy and down. Suddenly, it felt like all the tiny bits of optimism that was squeeze out when i was up there just evaporated. I wonder if hot weather really does make people upset.
Probably it's the thought of going back to reality that's making me depressed. Not that i'm living in a dream while i was in Genting, but at least i'm further away from all the things that had been too real and painful for me to bear.
I do not look forward to going back home. In fact, nowadays, i do not look forward to anything anymore. I'm just in the "my life is the way it is" kind of mode now.
I'm pathetic, i know, to actually build my world around a man. Now that i lost him, it was as if all hopes were lost too. I've never expected i'd actually come to this at all, to actually become the kind of useless woman that i am now.
LF and i had a chat about my unrealistic vision of love. She told me that the way that i define love probably means that i'll forever be disappointed in life. For the kind of love that i envisage will never be possible in human; only God is capable of giving such kind of love.
That was probably why the people whom i met in church actually told me not to cast my hope in human but in God, for only God will be able to love us selflessly.So my theory of human mimicking God may probably be true. God created us in his image, so it's only normal that we'd wanna do what God is capable of doing, but not realising that we do not have the same capacity as Him. If i keep on hoping to see the "true love" in human, hoping that someone out there can give me the kind of God-like selfless love to me, i'd probably be forever disappointed in life and got my heart broken over and over again.
I guess i just have to accept that mortal love is not permanent. Human beings are weak, and we simply are incapable of holding something so grand as true love.
Just about another hour more and i will be on the bus again, heading back to JB
Time simply passes by too fast, and my short break is coming to and end soon.
We did not go to the theme park, did not step into the casino, and didn't even go shopping around the mall. All our days were really spent in cafe writing (or rather, typing), even now while we are waiting for the time to pass.
I'm not sure if this short getaway really helps much. I'd think it did to a certain extent. I didn't really have very good sleep over the nights, but at least i got to relax my mind a bit and didn't cry (though there were several times that i had tears in my eyes).
I love the weather here and was even thinking that i probably should just get a job here and stay here for a few good years. Hot weather makes people impatient, while cooling weather is relaxing and calm our mind. It may actually help in my healing.
Oh well, it was just a thought anyway. What is there for me to do here really.
I do not know if i'll be back to the depression mood again when i'm back at that hot and humid weather in JB/SG, facing the stressful job that i've totally lost passion in.
Sigh, how i wish this holiday can last a while longer. Just too bad that i still need to put bread on the table.
On the night that Sui and i were packing YY's stuff at my JB home, i looked through my own drawers too to make sure nothing was left out.
Then i came across an old calendar, dated year 1999. I flipped through the calendar and saw a sad smiley face that i drawn in the box of 17-Nov-1999.
I tried to recall what happened then that had prompted me to mark down this day as an unhappy day for me, and guess what, i couldn't remember a thing no matter how hard i tried to think back.
Then i flipped to the following month and noticed another note made on 11-Dec-1999:
That was the day that i broke up with my first boyfriend. So i guess the one marked on November 1999 must have something to do with this subsequent breakup.
And frankly, i couldn't remember this date as well if i didn't write it down on the calender. I would be scratching my head, trying to figure out what happened on that day too if i had only drawn the crying face without any words beside it.
When i looked at these dates, instead of being reminded of the sadness, i was actually amused. To think that i was so heart-broken then, and now i couldn't even remember clearly on what exactly happened and when it happened.
So you see, it isn't really just words of consolation when people tell us that "time will heal".
We are hurt, as deeply as it can be, but as time goes by, the hurt will lessen and gradually diminish. One day, it will even just vanish. It is perhaps at this point of time that the hurt may seem too much to bear, but so long as we hold on to the hope that "all these will come to pass one day", then we'll stick it through no matter how hard it is. We gotta always believe that tough time can never last forever and our lives will always get better eventually.
One day, i believe that i will heal from this hurt, that i will recover from this heartache. I don't know when will it be, but that day will surely come.
And 10 years later, when i look back at this incident, i hope i'd no longer feel the pain. Instead, when i think back at the time 贝 and i spent together, i hope i can only remember the happy moments; when i think of 贝, if i were to still feel a twitch in my heart, i'd hope it was because of the way he has once touched my life.
