I've not been writing about it at all but it has actually never really left me completely. In times of sorrow, i just cried myself to sleep and the next day is another beginning. Everyday is. We keep falling down, and then we keep moving on.
Maybe because it's winter and it's especially cold and lonely. I don't know... it's difficult to be missing someone miserably when everything, good or bad, seems to be in such distant past and yet the memories just linger on.
I often ask myself, "how long more?", or if ever?
It is pointless, i know. That's what i realised - no matter which corner of the world i run to, there is no escape because it is not really about the places. It is about the heart that, though broken into million pieces, we still need to carry it with us, no matter where we go.
If only someone knows a sure way to mend a broken heart.
My attempt to get myself back to normal sleeping hours last night did not turn out too well. I am gonna do it again tonight.
Went to bed at 12am (this is considered earlier than usual already) and did not have problem falling asleep. But then, at around 3am+, i woke up because of a bad dream. It was bad sleeping quality after that.
I dreamt of YY. I can't remember the exact story in the dream, but it was something about him with another woman. In the dream, i was weeping sadly. I cried and cried and cried until i woke up finding myself lying in bed, my heart aching in agony.
This was not the first time that i had dreams like this. Everytime in the dream, it was always about YY being with another woman, and i would weep in deep sorrow. Then everytime i would wake up in grief and felt low-spirited for the entire day.
And there was one different dream that i had almost a year ago but i could remember vividly till today. In the dream, YY and i had agreed to meet up somewhere for a chat at a restaurant. I arrived at the meet-up place but went around the building many times, unable to find the exact restaurant. I called him up and asked him where he was, and he was also doing the same, going around the building in search of the exact place. He and i were at the same building at the same time, going 'round and 'round but we just could not find each other.
Then i woke up feeling really lousy. The dream was like a portrayal of our relationship - even though we are so near, we would never find each other anymore; our paths will not cross again.
I wasn't finding excuses when i mentioned before that i may be subconsciously deprived myself of sleep. When i am awake, i may be able to suppress my feelings and thoughts, but the monster simply can't be contained in dreams.
I know i still miss him, for i still hear the voice in my heart calling "bei" sometimes; or perhaps what i really miss isn't him but all the happy years we spent together. Whichever it is, i am not sure.
What i am sure though is that i am unwell; there is still something not right with me in my heart and in my mind. Intentionally not seeing it does not mean that it is not there; hiding it away does not mean that it will just go away by itself.
I know i gotta do something about it; i just gotta figure out how.
sigh, it's going to be new year soon and you got struck with this. it's not always like this, isn't it? it 's just perhaps the recent events that set off you with the nightmares. gal, this obviously is not excuse (you've already said it, but i remind it again) not to sleep early and ruining your health and making lots of people worried. you gotta be strong, gal. year 2011 supposed to be a great year for you, ok, minus the sprain, theft, accident, the ruined lasik plan, rebellious teammate, steve jobs, but it should be a year for you to set a new life and path. and you gotta continue to stay positive, don't let one-two setbacks to hold you down and ruin what you have been keeping up. when you feel unhappy/melancholy, you might immediately do something to clear your mind from it, maybe reading comic, watching sticoms/comedy or playing some games. if you steel yourself and make it a habit not thinking /pondering of it, remind yourself you have nothing to do with the past anymore, perhaps subconsciously you might able to empower yourself in the bad dreams you have. i might naively saying something here, but i really hope that you could really throw all this behind for good and be a happy-go-lucky instead of unpredictable pinpin.
hopefully the coming new year 2012 (the earth is still moving around, don't believe the mayan myth) you will free from these unhappiness. hey, you should be hard to yourself to make it as a promise! of course, i supposed you will be free from contacts and glasses in 2012, so with the new look and resolution it's time to really put all monsters and demons into oblivion forever from sight and mind. there's gotta be a start. i'm sorry that i'm unable to come out anymore drawings to entertain you like last time (really really sorry) - got stuck in work that i started to get hate and sickening (excuses, excuses, and i think i have been infected from all your work bashing posts).
happy new year, and have a wonderful holiday! so at the end, did you manage to get nice early sleep in wed, thurs and fri? cheers.
It is funny that "Steve Jobs" was within the events of my life that you listed, as if i knew him personally... anyway, thanks for reading for the past year and for all the great drawings. No need to apologise for not drawing, as you have no obligation in doing so. Hope your work situation will get better in the new year.
P/S. yes, i did get to bed by mid-night for Wed, Thurs and Fri. Unfortunately, as you can see, it was back to late night again tonight. Oh well, it's New Year so let's make it an exception. ;)
YY and i went to the bank last week and close the joint account we had. Since the lawyer's fee had been fully paid off, the joint account could be closed and we got back some balances in cash.
I have received email from the lawyer that the divorce had been successfully filed and a hearing date arranged. We need not attend the hearing since there is no dispute between us. The court will only deliver the final judgement after three months. That is the period supposedly for the couple to cool down and see if there is any chance of reconciliation.
With the closing of the bank account, the pending judgement on the divorce application is essentially the last thing that still binds he and i together. There is nothing further to be done anymore, except just waiting for the day when the letter will arrive in our postbox, declaring the final severance of all ties. And from then on, we are not more than strangers.
No one will understand how it feels to go through the process of divorce unless one has experienced it personally. There is a Chinese word that aptly describes the feeling - 凌迟 (the Chinese ancient execution of killing a person by slicing off portions of the flesh over an extended period of time).
It is a slow and painful process, like ripping off some part of you piece by piece, in slow motion. It is a process of slowly removing a person and anything about him from your life, bit-by-bit, in a tardy pace. From two strangers to one couple whose lives were so closely intertwined, and then you gotta tear it apart and discard a portion of it away, as if all those years have actually never happened before, as if the happy and loving days that were once so treasured are all reduced to nothing, as if a person who was once so loved and held so dearly to your life actually does not matter at all.
And the part that was torn apart and thrown away will never grow back again. Even if it does, it can never be whole and complete again like before, ever. I once believed that love is eternal and marriage is a vow to be kept forever. Now, i am not sure anymore.
YES, it will. Unless you don't believe it, and always tear off the scar before it fully healed. Heal not b'cos you purposely push yourself to forget or not to remember, it's just fade away when time flies. I think this is also an amazing grace from GOD. You just have to believe it will.
what has already happened is already happened, and there is no more of thinking and arguing for if and would have. you knew this. the moment if you get into this, please think of something else positive, like the happy trip in japan, joke that you have come across, the good things you have done before. you should not give in yourself, especially the fault that is not from you. why do you choose to suffer, this is absolutely WRONG gal. be strong. the path is long ahead, stay positive and surely something good will turn out that GOD have for you. never become a defeatist and get yourself lost. don't you think you should be more socialize (don't just hide yourself with the novels and stay in your own cocoon only) signing up activities? or picking up a new hobby? like your friend said, time will heal, and you gotta believe it and yourself.
Am back in JB now. The flight departed on time today.
I must post this up no matter what, because today is the day with six 1's in the date. This day only happens once in a lifetime.
This early morning i heard on the radio that there were a lot of couples getting married today. They chose this day because they liked the date with all the 1's, for it symbolises "one heart" (一心一意).
I found it amusing really. No matter how auspicious the day is, it has absolutely no bearing on the marriage or the relationship.
Love is fugacious; so is life. It takes great effort to make the former lasting, but there is nothing we can do to beat the transience nature of the latter, no matter how hard we try.
Nonetheless, on a day like this that only happens every 100 years, may every loving couples who made their vows today keep their promises and lead a blissful life.
All the photos of the couples are filled with blissful smiles. They were always in each other's arms and you can really feel their happiness and love for each other.
This somehow reminded me of the song 最浪漫的事.
背靠着背坐在地毯上
听听音乐聊聊愿望
你希望我越来越温柔
我希望你放我在心上
你说想送我个浪漫的梦想
谢谢我带你找到天堂
哪怕用一辈子才能完成
只要我讲你就记住不忘
我能想到最浪漫的事
就是和你一起慢慢变老
一路上收藏点点滴滴的欢笑
留到以后坐着摇椅慢慢聊
我能想到最浪漫的事
就是和你一起慢慢变老
直到我们老得哪儿也去不了
你还依然把我当成手心里的宝
I am not a romantic person by nature. Sometimes i may even appear as aloof or cold to some people. When it comes to love, i am not the kind who is lovey-dovey all the time, nor the kind who would come up with all the romantic ideas to please the loved one.
To me, love is not necessarily something overt. Sometimes, the deepest love is expressed in a way that is the least obvious. We must not overlook every little thing or gesture a person does for you, for what we take for granted can in fact be the greatest love displayed in subtlety.
It is just like what is sung in the song - the most romantic thing is actually to grow old slowly with the person you love. Life can be a long journey, and often a difficult one too. When there is this person who is willing to commit the rest of his/her life to you, vow (and honour it) to hold you hands till death do you apart, and still love you and care for you when your face is already full of wrinkles, tell me, what can be more romantic than this?
This was the dream that i once had but now has shattered into pieces. In this modern era, love has become something transitory to many people, and marriage is nothing but a piece of paper that binds two person together and can be revoked anytime. I've come to realised that true love is rare in this world now. Sometimes i even wonder if there is still any at all.
After reading the news, i thank God that true love story does exist in real life. It did not happen to me, but at least it does exist. And somehow, that is comforting to know.
Had a hefty dinner tonight. Boss and i went to Merchant Court for buffet dinner. I suggested the place because i wanted to have the famous durian pengat, but somehow it wasn't as good as i remembered it. Perhaps it's because it isn't durian season now.
Anyway, you must be wondering why i was having dinner with my boss alone. Well, that's because he needed to talk to me about my "career development", or so as he termed it. As for why he wanted to talk to me about this, i'll not divulge much now until a later stage.
What i wanted to blog about today is not the dinner or the talk. It is about a rather amusing incident.
My boss only arrived in SG this evening and our dinner appointment was at 7pm. It was already 6pm+ when he reached the hotel, and hence he asked me to meet him up at the hotel lobby and then take a cab to the restaurant together.
On our way to the restaurant, his wife rang. Firstly of course my boss told her that he was on his way to dinner. Then from the conversation, i think the wife wanted to fix an electronic device at home and asked for his opinion. My boss did not want to talk much (probably because i was around) and hence he told his wife that he would give her a call in the night after the dinner. He said this several times to her, and also said "bye" several times, but she still kept on talking, apparently disregarding what he said.
After almost 5 minutes of conversation, i think she asked who he was having the dinner with, as i heard him say my name (i think she asked him that because she heard me answering the cab driver about something). Then the next thing he said was, "we had something to talk about" ("我哋有嘢倾"), followed by "got thing to talk about" ("有地嘢要倾"). Apparently, she must be asking him why he was having dinner with me and what are the things that he wanted to talk to me about. Yet my boss probably didn't want to give her the details in front of me and hence simply told her that we had something to chat about.
After that, he ended the conversation (rather abruptly actually, as i didn't hear a "bye"). When we were seated at the restaurant already, he got an sms and after reading it, he laughed out loudly. He then told me that it was from his wife and she told him that her blood pressure was very high then because he did not want to tell her why he needed to talk to me. He then said he would call her later in the night.
Then i didn't feel good about it and told my boss that he should call her right away, and i would not mind if he just go off to another place to talk to her (so that he would not feel awkward talking to her in front of me). I jokingly said to him that he'd better do so quickly, or otherwise her blood pressure will continue to escalate.
Ok, i found this incident rather amusing. I've not met her before but she seems to be a highly suspicious wife. But then perhaps my boss had done something in the past that made her this way, or she feels insecure since my boss travels a lot on his job and is always away from home.
Whatever it is, i felt ridiculous that i was seen in such light. On the other hand, i realised that there are indeed quite a lot of women who would insist on talking on the phone even when the husband already said that he would return the call later, which normally means he is currently busy with some other thing. I've seen similar situation happened on ex-little boss too, whereby the wife called during office hours and kept on talking on the phone even though he said he would call her back.
Frankly, i would think such behaviour is being not understanding. I recall my own behaviours when i was with YY and i had not done that (i would always stop the conversation immediately if he said "i would call you back", as that signified he was tied up with something at that moment), well, until the affair happened.
Uh huh, after the trust was broken, i would insist on finding out where he was, who he was with and what he was doing, disregarding whether or not he could talk at that moment. So perhaps in the cases of those guys, the wives have low trust in them. As for why that is so, i would not know and would not guess either.
Trust is a vital element in any relationships, and even the pillar for a strong and lasting marriage. So, never ever break the trust when you have 100% of it, for even a fraction less of the total trust would mean the end of an otherwise perfect relationship.
ha, is that a treat from your boss , or you have to foot the bill as well too.... i hope the talk had a great outcome even though there was some slight interruption and uneasiness. all the best, pinpin, you should deserve the reward for what you have contributed and sacrificed , don't be shy for that lor. wasn't that your boss 's wife bought you biggest gift among other colleagues long time ago - a bling bling bag :).
when trust is lost, the burden falls to the person who breaks it to prove his innocence, if he still has the conscience of it, and surely it'll take huge effort to rebuild one. and this he should, i mean, come on, what's so hard and loss just for being humble to admit being wrong to our love ones even if it's a petty one. misunderstanding will lead to bigger misunderstanding, and if there is still doubt, it's better to come clean about it before it turns into a nasty fight, and it would be so regret just because it originated from one doesn't understand another. you'll be good, gal. always stay positive and don't think so much about the bad bad things. look forward for good news from you :). cheers.
That sounds like I have been looking forward to it. And my reply to that would be "yes and no".
There are things in life that you know are inevitable, such as death, or such as time passing by.
Yes, time - this is one thing in life that will never stop moving, no matter you are counting it or not.
It's as if you lock yourself in a room without clocks, watches, mobile phones, or anything that can tell time. You can't tell how long has passed, but time does not standstill simply because you are not paying any attention to it. The time will still pass, you will still age, the world will still change, and so do people.
I did not specifically mark the day on my calendar, but I know it would come eventually. I wasn't consciously counting the days, but there seemed to be a clock buried deep in my subconscious mind and went tick tick tick. And when this day has finally come, even though I did my best not to think anything about it, the heart would ache by itself, as if it had been set with an alarm and knew when to go off. Tick tick tick.
It's a mixed feeling, and I'm not sure how i should really feel about it. What I do know is that the road ahead is gonna be painful. The things that I've intentionally neglected, that I've forced myself not to remember, that I've numbed myself from feeling about it, will gotta be dug up one-by-one, torturing me, strangling me, wrenching my heart and mocking me.
Yes, it's gonna be difficult. I know but I'm gotta face it nonetheless.
Today has not been an easy day for me. I'm gonna end this with a note I posted on my FB today:
I am gonna allow myself to be human. If I were to break, I will let myself break, for I know that God will be with me at all times, and that is perhaps the only way that I can rebuild myself into someone stronger, better, and even happier.
eventually, this should come to an end. unwanted decision, but seems it's inevitable. the road ahead will be tough, a short one or a long one but you know it's not going to be eternal. if only there's tangible anesthestic that can be prescribed for the pain from the reopened wound, sigh. it's ok to let out once a while if you cannot hold it, or it's turning you into monster. Twice or thrice, as long it doesn't overhurt and renew the sorrow again and again. you must know, this must eventually put to stop. and this is not even of your fault. so please stay strong, pinpin. brace yourself, you gotta believe in your strength. not only your strength but also God's strength and your readers' belief in you. it's not going to taunt or mock you if you think it's not. and you are not going to toss and turn, have nightmares, cry at the mdnight or in front of your colleagues+friends, email your boss for being unwell, you don't have to be this, gal.and remember that you are also not going to be alone in the struggle, from near and from far.
perhaps, it will be better to divert thinking to focus in work (aren't you are a project planner) whenever your mind cross into that unwanted path ... stay strong, and believe in yourself, gal.
Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it takes times. Yes, there is no fixed solution. Yes, there is no sure answer when the roller coaster will slow down and things will become calm again before the roller coaster get triggered and started to break our peaceful mind and life. We got to be strong! We got to help ourselves! You have mother and friends who support you! You have a religion!
Finally, today is the day where months of fuzz and buzz led up to - the royal wedding.
I guess this wedding of the century is gonna surpass that of the last century (the one of the groom's parents). After all, the last fairy-tale like marriage ended up in ugly scandals and tragedy. Everyone will be looking at this marriage to make it come true. People around the world need to believe that fairy tales do exist in real life.
It just kinda makes one wonders what's really the big deal about the wedding. Stripped away the royal titles, they are simply two good-looking people getting married, just like any other thousands of marrying couples around the world.
Well, i guess it is precisely because it is the royalty that makes people so fascinated by it. Besides the big money splurged on it, the groom being the son of late Princess Diana also places the limelight on this marriage. We do not see the same media frenzy over the wedding of other royalties in other countries.
The wedding will be broadcasted worldwide in a few minutes. It will be 3pm our time. We all will be stuck at work and cannot share this moment, but i won't be surprised if some companies would actually gather around to watch the live telecast.
Hope they will live a blissful life. I also need to see fairy tales in real life too, desperately.
gee, and i was so paiseh thinking the wedding was happened last week, thanks to your blog until ntv7 kept advertising the broadcast.... luckily i didn't bring up the story to my colleagues though.
oh, i thought it started at 5 KL/SG time, so you still can catch it if you leave the office early rather than stay OT lor. but, to link it as real life fairy tale is not entirely accurate, since the tale is filtered by the media first before it reaches you leh. surely you don't need to take example from far-far land when there are still beautiful fairy tales from among your close friends/colleagues/team. of course, you gotta continue staying positive and happiness will find you, never give up on you lor :).
yup, total agree they are handsome and beautiful couple indeed. cheers :)
look atthe time you blog!? Shouldn't you be working? hehehehe...I tried getting into the net to search for live broadcast at 3pm too, but nothing much then. I'm more curious to seet he wedding dress than anything else. But, am quite disappointed for there's nothing new! It's a "safe" design, once again, it's in-line with Kate's "sytle" for the moment!
LF, you know i've always liked simple style, and hence i actually think the wedding dress is elegant and befits the royal occassion. It looks beautiful on Kate. The wedding dress resembles a lot of Grace Kelly's wedding gown for her marriage to the prince of Monaco. After all, Grace Kelly was chosen as the #1 most beautiful royals, so Kate became the "copy cat" huh... :P
"copy cat" is not really accurate as there are some changes here and there. plus, the Kelly's gown was so many decades ago, many still would compare it to Princess D instead. IMO to engage famous designer to come out simple style doesn't seem quite appropriate leh... cheers :).
In reply to my post on the comics, Angel drew two frames as "alternative" ending to the comic strip:
These were nicely drawn even though it was a fast job.
Coincidentally, i posted up a passage i saw from the Web on my FB:
I totally agree with what was written here - we need not force ourselves to forget certain things or certain person. In fact, the more we force ourselves to forget, the more we will keep on remembering it. Time will make us forget, or rather, it will blur off our memories. Forgetting will just come naturally and does not require any effort.
And when we really forget someone or something, it isn't really wiped off from our memories totally (after all, that is only possible if we have amnesia). We know we have really forgotten that someone or something when our minds do not consciously think about it anymore, and even when we are reminded of it, we feel nothing about it at all. That is when we know that we have truly forgotten and moved on.
but .... the problem is, you are not force forgetting but keep reminding of it. stay strong gal, you must know many will always stand by you, support you, and there is aboslutely no reason you for you to continue to be sad. happiness will find you eventually when you open yourself to it.
(sigh, i shouldn't have posted this comment, but just to let you know there is still readers to support you no matter how).
dont't stay awake so late and think about unwanted things. and enjoy the look forwared long weekend with your friends! cheers.
I had actually wanted to post this up on Monday, but was too tired to do it, as i was working late again.
I've deposited the cheque for the amount that i owed YY's mom on Monday. And with that, i am now a debt-free person (notwithstanding the monthly credit card bills that i always pay off on time).
I think i've not mentioned this on my blog before - i had actually paid off the car loan for mom's Toyota Avanza in August last year, at RM36K+. She told me that she was very tight financially despite the monthly allowance of SGD800 that i gave her (she even made a list of spending to justify her claim). Instead of increasing the amount i give her, i decided to pay off the car loan for her, and the instalment that used to come out of that monthly allowance would then become the additional cash for her.
So, i am truly debt-free now. It should be something for me to shout "YAY!", but somehow i do not feel much joy in it.
Last night, after i had sent an sms to YY's mom about the cheque on the day before, i received a call from her. We chatted briefly and in the conversation, she expressed her wish that i can continue to be her daughter-in-law. She said it has been so long already (has it?) and she thought YY and i would be able to reconcile and give it another try. I did not know what to tell her and could only said that it is not possible anymore.
I could sense her disappointment over the phone, and i felt really sad about it. I know she has felt very sorry about what her son had done, and she had hoped for the situation to turn around. Yet, there were lots of details that she was not aware of (i did not tell his parents too much details of the cheating because i did not want to sadden them further and i did not see the need of doing so either). Those who know of the full story would have understood why the relationship has already been irrevocably destroyed.
It always hurts me to see the sorrow of the elderly, for they have spent their entire life providing and taking care of the children, and they should live their remaining lives happily. Even though i was not the root cause of their sadness, i do have a hand in it for not being able to do as they wish. Again, i can't help but lament at how life has turned out to be this way.
I guess it was the crying that made my eyes hurt and then in turn gave me a headache this morning. So i did not go into the office today and work from "home" instead. Boss was quite concerned for me when i told him that i was having migraine (again). He asked me to go and do a thorough medical check-up when i have the time. Actually i do intend to do so, but that will be after i'm done with the current project that i'm rushing for recently.
take good care of yourself and stay healthy, gal. there shouldn't be any reason to cry for the fault that is not yours, and make your eyes pain, red, blurry and headache somemore (same old don't cry message again and again ...). if you keep crying and crying, how are you going to have LASIK surgery to rid continue being dependent on contact lens and spectacles. and probably have guys start staring at you again ^_^. oh yeah, with that excess maybe you should consider for LASIK (but then i heard from my colleague that LASIK is not simply corrective laser beaming on the retina but cutting at cornea, might be worse than tooth filling and extraction. of course, you are brave and strong woman, gee what am i writing here).
perhaps, more vacations and backpacking in the future too instead lamenting what life would be. but that should be after your current work lor. all the best in your project, ganbatte pinpin! don't disappoint your friends, family, teammates and boss. cheers.
my dear friend, why u start your habit of "拉屎上身“again? Think of urself, ur mum, ur family instead of his family lor! Believe me their sorrow will be over when they have a "new" daughther-in-law in the future. (Sorry! I really don't think man can be alone for such long time lor! But woman will) The sorrow of yourself and your family will only be over once you find your happiness again. So, Ganbatte!!!
The sale of the HDB unit was finally completed on 11-May-2011, and the first property that i've ever owned was no longer mine. That was a house that i bought in great anticipation, moved in with ecstatic happiness, left in heart-broken sorrow, and sold off in sadness. And to think that i've only owned it for slightly more than 2 years and stayed for less than 4 months. I seriously do not know what to feel, or rather, i do not know how to put my feelings into words at all.
There were some sale proceeds and today i met up with YY at the bank to withdraw the money. It isn't a huge sum, and a portion of it will have to be returned to YY's mom (as we borrowed money from her for buying the unit). There will be still some left of course, but somehow, i feel that i am richer yet poorer at the same time.
Slowly and surely, i see that i am getting rid of the things that bind YY and i together, piece-by-piece. Slowly and surely, our paths will no longer crossed. Slowly and surely, we will become strangers, as if all the years we had spent together, happy or sad, have never happened before and do not matter anymore. Slowly and surely, he and i will leave this world as two separate individuals who were once a mere passerby in each other's life. This realisation is heart-wrenching.
I am still grateful nonetheless, for i know God has been watching over me. I am blessed in many ways, and i will use what has been given to me to bless others instead. It is not our pockets that determine whether we are rich or poor; it is our hearts.
We should all be a blessing to others, especially when there are a lot more sufferings at the other parts of the world.
you'll be good, gal. let the past bygones be bygones. these might be merely words, but ..... hope you will find happiness. always remember there's light shines upon you, so don't let down your friends and families hor ...
It is a dream of the kind of eternal love that i have hoped for in my life but never did get it.
Yet, i am touched to see that true love does exist in this world, even though sad to say that it is very rare now in this modern world, especially in the new generations.
There are a lot of related clips on YouTube on this true story that's really worth watching.
Hope we will never give up on dreaming - whatever your dreams may be.
nice, and touching. but dreams could not be achieved if not first taking good care of the health lor. you lost one love but get many loves back. stay cheers, always :)
How do we life on happily ever after if there's no more dream?
We're all unique. No one can ever replace or take over anothe's place. Love cannot be replaced. Pain will always be there, scars may repace the hurt, but it's always there.
The clip was forwarded to me by little brother (and he also posted it up on his FB). I was really touched by it. Somehow, the timing was just so right.
Crying... but i told myself that i can't go to work with swollen eyes tomorrow, and so i gotta stop, but the tears just keep rolling down uncontrollably.
It hurts to know that what you are giving doesn't mean a thing. It hurts to know that your effort in being magnanimous is taken for granted. It hurts to know that what you are quietly doing isn't appreciated.
And perhaps what hurts the most is to know that the person you love and whom you thought loved you have never really understood what love truly means, probably since the very beginning and even till this day.
Many people would say i'm being taken advantage of for giving in again and again and again. A lot of people would ask why i still bother to be considerate towards the person who has done me great wrong and ruined my life. Everybody would ask why i still care to honour a promise to the person who has broken the most scared vow of all in the first place. Everyone said i'm being too soft-hearted and do not stand up for what is right for me.
But then i asked myself, what is really right for me? Seriously, i don't know anymore.
All i want is that there will be no more disagreement or argument, and to end things amicably. If that means i have to forgo some insignificant things, then so be it. If by giving up on something will enable both parties to gain something in return, then everything is worthwhile i guess.
Yes, it may be unfair in many people's eyes. It may be stupidity or even idiocy as many see it.
But i am not answerable to these people. How they see it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that at the end of time, i can still stand righteous before The One whom i am really answerable to.
Dear pinpin, words might not set in but i will still repeat them and will continue repeating them , for i don't want to give up on you. i am not giving up on you. You got to be strong, stay strong. And always remember that you are not alone, you know, there are still many wonderful things around you that you shouldn't shed tears. Please stop crying, girl, it doesn't worth it, moreover the things that terribly done to you of the faults that lie not from you. Please stop crying, you are making everyone's heartache too with your unhapiness, for the old cheerful pinpin was lost. You don't deserve to be this, you know. The first posting i read about your crying was when you submitted your letter to a blue-eyed angmoh. but now it becomes frequent and for bad reason ....
Some people wish eye for an eye. Some people choose avoidance of animosity and complication. It's ok, we are all different. whatever it is, be real selfish in placing your own goodness and happiness first. Others are not you and they might not understand you. We love you, why, because of NOT who you are pretending to be, trying to be, the false of you. We love you because of who you REALLY are, pinpin. You may not be the same old cheerful pinpin, at this short period of time, but I still keep hope that she will be back, and i know i'm not the only one hoping for this realization ....
And, sigh, i thought the sadness was slowly melting away. You wrote 2 days ago about the 5 fillings and manicure, and enjoyable weekend (and become "silly" gal again). You wrote about looking forward for year end holiday, and how your boss apathetic on your "illness". You also wrote on gift from your boss for xmas, your excitement on new x10. and how chirpy on your long super holiday, and yet procrastinate to blog it! Perhaps on "certain" days when you are bored, moody, alone, depressed, how about to find something to occupy to avoid being melancholy. Maybe to keep busy posting some FB, chatting in msn, addicting to "evil" TV or episode dramas, reading serial comic, and many many more ....
Lastly, pick from 梁静茹's song .... 就別再為他流淚 別再讓他操控你的傷悲 就算有一點愚昧一點點後悔 也不要太狼狽 他不值得你的淚 把那遺憾留在大雨的街 你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追 以後為自己醉
I'm sorry if my naivety has been an insensitive to you. Please take care, and stop (or less) being sad. -HY-
Dear angel, thanks for your words of encouragement.
Actually something happened on that day, which made me very sad. My eyes were all swollen the next day that i gotta take the morning half-day off and placed ice on my eyes for the swell to subside.
Yes, i also told myself the same thing, i.e. i do not want to cry for him anymore. But then, sometimes his actions and words just tear my heart apart, again and again.
Perhaps it is silly of me to still care about him... Yet, i also think to myself that perhaps it is for the better too. The more it hurts, the more i will see clearly.
Mom called me about an hour ago and asked me about this day. I asked her why she asked about it, and she said she just wanted to confirm with me, that's all.
She still remembers. And so do i.
But i want to forget about it. I want to take it as just like any other normal days.
Coincidentally, i was tidying up one of the drawers in my room over the weekend and saw something buried deep within a pile of papers. I felt the wrench in my heart.
I threw it away... and sometimes how i wish all the pains can be thrown away in the same way too. Unfortunately life does not work this way.
I am now going to bed, and when i wake up tomorrow, let me forget and have it just as a normal day.
Met up with my property agent friend and YY after work to discuss about the sale of our HDB.
Uh huh, the HDB could finally be put up for sale, as the lock-down period of the bank loan had ended at end Oct. The selling process can finally commence now.
Felt very down after the meet-up and cried for a while after reached "home".
Besides some of the things that YY did that had upset me, the main reason is the irony of the situation.
Just slightly more than two years ago, YY and i met up with the same agent to discuss about buying a home. At that time, our hearts were filled with joy and hope for a happy future together. We were looking forward to having a place that belongs to us, a place that manifests our love, a place that we call home.
Now, two of us were meeting the exact same person, but we are selling away a house and there is no happiness but sorrow; we are not in anticipation of a future but marking an end; it is no longer a home but just a piece of property that we jointly own.
There is no word to aptly describe the kind of feeling that i have; you know, the feeling that you thought a story was to start with "once upon a time" and end with "happily ever after", but only to find out that it has never meant to be a fairy tale and you were never meant to live like a princess and to be loved and protected by a prince charming forever and ever. It is the feeling of being struck hard by reality, waking you up to the cold harsh truth that you were born alone, you will live your life alone, and you will probably die alone too.
I am totally flabbergasted, not knowing what to think and how to react to such transience of life. I only know my heart is filled with grief, and i could not confide in anyone because i do not have anyone to talk to. So all i could do is to write write write here, even though sometimes i don't really know what i'm blabbering about.
And i know the loneliness and helplessness get to me. I'm alerting myself not to be overcome by this sense of desolation.
I noticed that recently i've been bugging a few of my colleagues with some of my personal stuff. When i was hesitating which phone to buy, i sms-ed the two IT guys in my department and asked for their opinions. When i bought my new phone, i do not know who to share the excitement with and so i sms-ed little bro in KL. When i wanna gossip about something, i msn-ed the colleague who knew about my blog. When i wanna rant about some of my work, i complained to ex-little boss...
Then i realised something is not right. It is especially inconsiderate for me to sms the married guys in the evening to ask for opinion on non-work related stuff. I told myself i gotta get used to being alone; i gotta get used to not having anyone to share anything with; i gotta get used to making my own decision and doing things alone.
Life has changed, and it may very well continue changing. Perhaps i'm not changing fast enough to cope with the changes in life and that's why i'm not thinking right, acting right, or feeling right.
Friend, ur thinking is something not right. NO, it's very wrong. what do u means by u should get used to not having anyone to share anything with, and get used to making own decision & doing thing alone???????? Actually it's not this statement itself is wrong. b'cos to everbody no matter who u had discuss with, in the end the decision is still made by urself, not anybody else. Anybody beside urself can only give suggestion, not making decision for u. This is NOT b'cos of u don't have partner for life now, then u r making decision all by urself! I can understand why u say this, but din u think sometimes u r making urself too miserable? that's not wrong of getting opinion from friends, colleagues. Furthermore, u r not bothering them everyday, every hours, it's absolutely correct for us to seek opinion from somebody who we think they should have some knowledge to help us, and I think they are happy to same with u too. Of course u wouldn't come to ask me which hp or IT tools to get, since I'm a layman. and I wouldn't call u up to ask for financial consultantation & etc. If I'm having this same thinking like u, then I should be more anti-social & hide myself in my own cage long long time ago lor! Friend, I hope u r only grumbling. After that still continue to asking right person for their opinion. B'cos I'm going to do continue to bother u too. So let make used of each others instead of get used to alone. :p
sigh, like your friend Sui had said, it's not good (and unhealthy too) to perceive yourself being alone and "encourage" yourself so. what about your 6 best friends that you are proud striding with that i'm so envious(yes, i'm very jealous coz i don't have that many :| ). So, you shouldn't let them down on you. See how one of your friend just invited you to bug her instead if you feel lonely.
Depending how you look at it, it's not really inappropriate to sms to ask opinion from someone who well-versed on gadgets when you are noob on them. nobody knows everything and be able to accomplish all the things ALONE, certainly you need help in areas you are not acquainted and they need yours too vice versa. Plus, from the way you described they treat and pamper you, i don't think they would find you bugging. Some people just enjoy and honoured to offer advice and there's pride and dignity in it. Moreover if the intended person is a nice good friend and colleague like you! Maybe i'm not them hence i could have exaggerated, but i don't think my description (and imagination) would be far off :p. To put another way, they might also enjoy having you to instill liveliness your chat topics, gossips, sms, jokes, comical gestures, sarcasm, attention seeking. without you, they probably super stress and bored. you are not only articulate but also cute, right? And who doesn't like cute person? So, please STOP being pessimist! you are not nobody, you are 彬彬.
it's good to become independent but don't to the "extreme" that you'd lose your true self. but importantly, you should learn not to shed tears over something wicked done to you and that it's even not your fault. you gonna learn to be STRONG, princess. don't let the wicked step over you. even in fairy tale the good protagonist always wins and what makes different in this tale is you have the freehand to dictate the course yourself. don't let your readers read "at the end, the good cute princess lives in desolation because she's so sick with life". awggghhh, i don't want this ...... and yeah, stop crying and you could do LASIK and become independent from glasses! and princess should not wear glasses, right?
:( - i might overly exert here, naive, hypocritical, nonsensical, impractical and uninvited, but just to let you know that you are certainly not alone. And your loneliness could have been contributed by your lingering in midnights. So, sleep early, start afresh in tomorrow morning as pleasant positive gal and enjoy the weekend with your closest friends. Hey, you don't need to share your excitement of your new xperia only with your little bro, you could have sent out the lines in your blog, twitter, or FB status and see how many would respond to it - sms roaming is $$$ from kl to sg anyway and you have to consider for your little bro too. kidding!
^_^ - oh, speaking of disturbing and being inconsiderate, i think i'm far worse when i walk around to nag my colleagues while waiting the program compilation to complete, and i can sense my colleagues busy at their work sometimes really cannot tahan me. and there's one occasion that i "shamelessly" told the caller from other department that "i'm not in" (then when she's about to hang up, i said hey, don't hang up, i just kidding). well, i might be immature, intolerant to some, and if you are my boss i think you will strangle me already... aha. what i'm trying to point though you might think yourself inconsiderate, selfish, irritating, but that's all your perception and it might not true for your colleagues! okay, i gave bad examples, but you should stop put blame everything on yourself.
Stay strong 彬彬, 加油. Yes, life has changed, many things indeed have changed but 彬彬 will overcome them. cheers. -HY-
Sui is always so right when she gives "lecture". keke. I agreed with her point. Therefore I always disturbed you all by sending emails to nag about work. :) ym.
Min, is that a compliment? Nevermind I take it as a "yes" :p So let's continue to "disturbing" each others, don't care it's on blog, FB, sms, e-mail, call & etc. Aren't I always said : 好朋友是拿来互相利用的. when u share your happiness with your friend, the happiness is doubled. when you share your sorrow with your friend, the sorrow is being halved. Please remember this.
The sorrow lies in how you once held the happiness in your hands, and then it just slipped away. The happiness did not last a life time as you have hoped it would. It is just like a love song that could only be sung half-way, because there isn't a happy ending and you do not know how to sing until the end. So what's left is only the half-song that will never be sung again, and the sorrow that is forever buried deep in a corner of your heart.
