That sounds like I have been looking forward to it. And my reply to that would be "yes and no".
There are things in life that you know are inevitable, such as death, or such as time passing by.
Yes, time - this is one thing in life that will never stop moving, no matter you are counting it or not.
It's as if you lock yourself in a room without clocks, watches, mobile phones, or anything that can tell time. You can't tell how long has passed, but time does not standstill simply because you are not paying any attention to it. The time will still pass, you will still age, the world will still change, and so do people.
I did not specifically mark the day on my calendar, but I know it would come eventually. I wasn't consciously counting the days, but there seemed to be a clock buried deep in my subconscious mind and went tick tick tick. And when this day has finally come, even though I did my best not to think anything about it, the heart would ache by itself, as if it had been set with an alarm and knew when to go off. Tick tick tick.
It's a mixed feeling, and I'm not sure how i should really feel about it. What I do know is that the road ahead is gonna be painful. The things that I've intentionally neglected, that I've forced myself not to remember, that I've numbed myself from feeling about it, will gotta be dug up one-by-one, torturing me, strangling me, wrenching my heart and mocking me.
Yes, it's gonna be difficult. I know but I'm gotta face it nonetheless.
Today has not been an easy day for me. I'm gonna end this with a note I posted on my FB today:
心隐隐的痛着，提醒着我时间已经到了。不知不觉，两年的时间就这样悄悄的溜走。即使我很努力地把那记忆锁在心底最深、最深的地方，不去触碰它，假装已遗忘了它，时间也不会因为这样而为我驻足，反而在我麻木地过着浑浑噩噩的日子中流逝得更快。
是时候打开那尘封的记忆盒子了，就算我还会心痛、还会流泪、还会感慨、还会惋惜，我也不得不勇敢地去面对它。因为唯有这样，我才能真正的结束那不堪的过去，就算是形式上的结束，却也代表着我人生的另一个开始。周而复始，若没有结束，就不会有开始；即使那结束的方式叫人感伤，该划下休止符的乐章始终还是有完结的时候。
我只能告诉自己，所有的痛，都是人生的历练，并提醒着我：虽然曾被深深的伤害过，但却也刻骨铭心的爱过；虽然没有完美的结局，但曾有甜美的回忆；虽然伤得体无完肤，但却让我更勇敢坚强；虽然人生曾走到了绝望的路口，但转角处总有绝处逢生的希望；虽然未来会孤独彷徨，但也可自由豁达；虽然未尽人意，但我却无愧于心。
我现在最需要的，不是隐忍的能耐，不是无情的冷漠，更不是强装的满不在乎。我需要的，是无尽的勇气，去接受自己也是一个软弱的人。只有在认清了自己的软弱之后，才会知道自己其实可以多么的坚强。
I am gonna allow myself to be human. If I were to break, I will let myself break, for I know that God will be with me at all times, and that is perhaps the only way that I can rebuild myself into someone stronger, better, and even happier.
Labels: introspection, love
