It has passed mid-night here and i'm wrapping up the year ahead of any of my friends and family back in Malaysia and Singapore (or Europe and USA for that matter).
There was a New Year's party at the Wellington Waterfront with fireworks and celebration. I read that the city hasn't been having fireworks on New Year's eve for a decade already. The party started at 9pm and would count down to new year.
In case you are wondering, i didn't go there even though this is my first new year in Wellington. Mom didn't wanna go because it is rather cold out there with gusty wind. I couldn't possibly leave her alone at home.
Oh alright, i admit that i'm kinda lazy to go out too, especially when there would sure be a huge crowd there. New Year is a huge thing here just like our Chinese New Year.
Anyway, so that's it. Another year has ended.
Finally, for once since i started my blog and having written so many year-in-retrospect posts, i managed to really achieve what i set out to do for the year - CHANGE!
Oh yes, year 2012 was definitely a year of MAJOR changes for me.
The first half of the year was pretty much the same old same old - business trips after business trips and working like a dog. The later half of the year, on the other hand, was marked by waves of change - resignation from my previous job in June, left the company in August, baptised in November, and then started a new job in a new country in December.
There was, however, a big change in May too that i have yet to write about. Too bad that i did not manage to blog about it within the year and gotta spill it over to the new year. It was something that did not really impact my daily life much but still considered as an important milestone in my life.
Ok, don't kill me for this, but this really warrants a post of its own and hence i'm not gonna blog about it now. It's not that i'm into the habit of whetting the reader's appetite with post like this. As i mentioned before, it gets too late into the night whenever i start blogging.
And after all, this is the post of tradition for every year-end and so let's get back to the flow.
Besides the changes to my work and life, i've also participated in a few activities such as peaceful protest, treasure hunts and volunteering work. I've spent quite some quality time with my family and friends before commencing a new journey by myself here in this foreign land.
There had been some unpleasant incidents and the most notable would be the lost wallet and passport that just happened a week ago. However, there have also been countless blessings that i had or hadn't mentioned before. With every mishap, i learnt and grew. And with that, every tough situation has become a blessing in itself as well, for it serves to make me a wiser and better person.
I think i haven't done too bad for the past year. I haven't really become any more richer or prettier; nor have i elevated in my social status or material possessions. Yet, i feel that i've become mentally stronger, for i've taken a leap of faith despite the unknown and fear; i've chosen to always believe in the positivity despite the negative situations; i've grown, bit-by-bit, to know and trust God more.
In fact, if i were to look back at year 2012, it was indeed the end of the world for me, in a positive way though. It was the end of my old world and the beginning of a new one.
WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR 2013!! May all of us be prosperous, our wish comes true and live life full of joy and laughters. and 彬彬, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU! just text, no card/drawing/swf, haha, somehow i think my drawings invite suay like that....
but then, ... aiseh, how could you be LAZY when it comes to new year bash in angmoh country. gee, the singing, dancing, cheers of happy new year, and fireworks, somemore first fireworks after a decade - it's like purposely fired up to welcome you to the city, grrr. it would also have been mark for the full circle of year 2012 fulfilled the pledge (if i use the right word) CHANGE for the better, though there were a bit glitches. and missed photograph of a big big beautiful colourful fireworks for this post to have your readers awed by pinpin's improved skill (look forward for NZ sceneries too) ..... well, filial is most important and above all. there's still tomorrow mah to enjoy when the condition is better :) hope you had great day and feel chirpy in office and apartment too, nice chitchat with LF and the rest.
wait, there was still another big change in 2012 ???? all this while i thought the throwing letter was the most significant change of all (oh how naive was i when i thought it was the protest initially ...) let me guess, let me guess - - LASIK ? it's big coz you don't need glasses anymore, given you sometimes left it behind and be miserable. but then you said you were not getting prettier... - got a pet, i mean real one not FB. but it won't earn a "crossroad and life changing decision" for that, and you're not leaving it in JB lke that ... - taking bakery/culinary class. i don't understand why i wrote this .... argh, my brain is malfunctioning already. okaylah, enough of the nonsense, let pinpin spills out the beans.
lastly, hmm, something's odd. it's missing resolution. 2011 don;t count, 2012 was a good theme. perhaps, saying NO to laziness is a better one. oops, then lazypinpin will be kinda weird ...
2013 2013 it reached first in NZ to pinpin in her wondrous journey stay positive, stay happy and stop being lazy
cheers, again, have a great NEW YEAR ahead. and remember, you are never to be alone! glad to read such POSITIVE pinpin, 加油. but please still keep some sense of humor too ... a (very) serious pinpin is scary.
Finally, this shall be the last post about the misfortune.
Hmm, or maybe not.
I am sure that i'll still be blogging about what happened after, especially how i am gonna be tortured by the Malaysia High Commission here for a passport replacement.
In fact, i've called them up today to make an appointment for the passport replacement. Uh huh, one will have to call and make appointment with our country's High Comm for renewing passport. Imagine that.
When i was on the phone with the High Comm officer this morning, she sounded very 'sian'. She told me that i'd need to fill out a form for reporting the lost of my passport, and the form cannot be downloaded from their Website. I must go there personally to fill out the form and submit the other heaps of documents. I bet they aren't gonna make my life easy and i'd have to go there more than once, as many others who had the same experience had shared on the Web.
Anyway, back to the last bit of my series of posts. Where was i? Oh, my thoughts on this incident.
Well, as i've mentioned, i did feel very upset at that moment, and was rather down for the following day too. I am a normal human being after all, and i bet everyone would feel the same if in my shoe.
However, the more i think about it, the more i realised that the situation could have been a lot worse. Amidst the mishap, i saw countless blessings and things to be grateful for. And for that, i truly thank God for it.
First of all, thank God that not all were lost. Whatever that i've lost are things that could be replaced eventually (despite being troublesome), and those are also things that have the least impact to my daily life here.
You see, my job does not require me to travel overseas anymore and hence not having my passport with me does not impact my job or my life here. I know how difficult it is for getting the replacement, but all i have to do is just to run around a few times, spend a few hundreds dollars, and then just wait for it. On a lighter note, i hated the photo in that passport anyway; so now i can get it changed.
As for the Malaysia and Singapore ICs, those are basically useless here because they are not generally accepted as a form of valid identification for foreigners. I can't re-apply them here anyway and so i'll just have to report the lost to the relevant departments, and then apply for the replacement when i'm back in Malaysia and Singapore for holiday next year.
Driving licence, on the other hand, is a valid identification and not having it may pose problem for me driving here. However, i'd have to get a NZ licence sooner or later anyway (we are only allowed to drive with a foreign driving licence for a year here). So the worst case would be for me to just go and get a NZ licence earlier.
Furthermore, i have photocopies of all these identifications and the previous expired passport with me. My birth cert is also still kept safely in JB. Therefore, it isn't really as bad as it appears to be.
As for all the credit/debit/bank cards, i managed to cancel all in time without any losses. I do not have any use of those ATM or debit cards here, and i can ask for new credit cards to be mailed to me here (which i already did last night). In the meantime, i'd just have to use cash, which i do have in my bank because the pay was deposited just in time.
And talking about the bank cards, the unexplainable non-delivery of my bank card here actually was a blessing in disguise! If i had received it as expected, i'd have put it in my wallet and lost it too. Instead, because of the undelivered mail, the bank sent out a new bank card to me with urgent courier service (at no extra charge - i would have to pay for a new card if it was lost), and i got it already yesterday.
Then, there are also things that i REALLY must be grateful for - i did not lose the car key, apartment key and access cards, and my three mobile phones. If these were lost, then my life would surely be greatly affected.
I mentioned in the earlier post that my Danish boss lent his wife's car to me even without me asking. I seriously can't imagine how it would be if i were to lose the car key too. They will only be back from their holiday around mid-January and there is no way for me to get another set of car key from anyone here. This would mean that the car will have to sit at the Briscoes parking lot for weeks, and probably with potential risk of being stolen or towed away, or could not be started when my boss is back (as the battery would probably be drained already). And how am i supposed to explain to my boss about me losing the car key when he entrusted it to me? Now, need i elaborate further how bad it is gonna be if the car key was lost?
(And still having the car now really facilitates my going around settling the issues during these few days.)
Then it is the apartment key and access card. Even though there is no address indicating where i live, there is still a risk that the person might find out. I'd not be able to sleep tight in the night, worrying if anyone would be breaking in to the apartment. Furthermore, i'd be fined heftily too for losing the apartment key and access card. (There is no way that the apartment management can change the lock or security access because there are lots of units in this building and it is gonna affect everyone.)
Finally, it is what really matters to me the most - my mobile phones! I would be in a lot more troubles if i were to lose the phones. Besides all the contacts information, my Singapore and NZ phones are required (for security code) to use the Internet banking for my Singapore and NZ bank accounts. I'd not be able to transfer funds or pay for any bills online, and that will surely have a significant impact on my life here.
So you see, instead of keep harping on what that were lost, shouldn't i actually be grateful for how blessed i was to still have the more crucial things with me? When i started to see things from a different perspective, i realised that i should be joyful about the greater blessings instead of getting knocked down by the minor misfortune.
I know that everything happens for a purpose and God must have His divine plan for me. I may have to learn the lesson, whatever it may be, the hard way, but at the end of the day, God will ALWAYS be looking after me. And He indeed did too this time.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28
As Christian, Holy Spirit dwell within us. My aunt has told me before that sometimes when we feel unsettled or something was stirring inside us, it may actually be Holy Spirit speaking to us but we often disregard it. I remember how i had thought of changing the handbag but i didn't do in the end. For all i know, it might have been a warning but then i didn't heed the advice.
As LF has kept telling me - i need to trust and depend on God more. My faith is too weak. I really need to build up my faith in Him.
There is a long journey ahead of me and i do feel depressed sometimes, thinking that i gotta walk it alone. But then, i gotta remember that i shall NEVER be alone - God is with me, at all times.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9
glad to learn you finally bounced back, thumbs up! yup, no matter what misfortunes befall, always, always remember that you are not alone and there's light at the end of the tunnel. you don't have to be sad and cry, girl, for that means your faith and belief is shaken. sigh, i don't remember reading you shed tear in 2012 after you announced "change for the better" for this outgoing year's theme. what's more, it's in NZ when it supposed to be great start journey of life. gotta stick to your resolution girl, and believe in your strength. fortunately you acted to make photocopies of the IDs unlike the choice of the handbags. it's difficult to grasp the signs, and accidents do happen, but never be slack away from wiser choice that requires some extra effort. don't be LAZY! perhaps the incident was "designed" to prepare you with toughness and knowledge for journey ahead to avert bigger unknown disaster. reading the mishap still sends shiver down to me , it really could have been worse.
i checked the immigration website, it seems the form is downloadable, or was it a different form. there;s bahagian A, C and E to be filled up for the lost. nevertheless it still requires to be physical there for submission due to the barcode, or alternatively it seems it's possible to request via mailing. in case you missed the website - http://www.kln.gov.my/web/nzl_wellington/passport_renewal luckily the high comm is not in auckland, and isn't auckland the capital of NZ? i wanted to mention about the photo too but then gotta respect that piece of important document a bit ...
gosh, you blogged at 1+ am ! thank you for sharing the story (understand how painful it must be to reminisce the mishap and stress from it, and the fear it could be much worse. it's so terrible!). charge up pinpin, and move forward. hope work so far is great. oh, do exercise and sleep early, lead a healthy lifestyle. i guess somehow the mishap might be a bit related with your attribute easily getting tired. have a nice final weekend of 2012 in NZ. i guess more or less the shopping is complete (or will shopping ever ends for you, haha), time to admire the beauty of NZ with your mom :). again, always stay vigilant and conscious to the surrounding. VIGILANT and CONSCIOUS. cheers, oh, and always be positive too.
There are always lessons to be learnt from every major event in our life. If you are as introspective as me, you may even learn something about yourself.
Here are a few things that i learnt about myself and life in general due to mom's sudden illness:
I am not as good a daughter as i pride myself to be
I lack compassion and patience for people who are closest and dearest to me
I worry TOO much, and more often than not, unnecessarily
My faith is weak
I am too pampered
We should always - and i repeat - ALWAYS seek for second opinion when comes to medical condition
Procrastination is bad, VERY bad
Both mom and I are so blessed with relatives and friends who will help us unconditionally in time of need
When it comes to decision making it's always safe to keep the mind open and seek second opinon. Nobody is perfect, and smart person certainly don't hesitate to listen alternative view to cover the lacking and also being cautious. And surely you are one smart girl :). The key is always stay humble. From the writings, i concur you are really pampered at times lor , and you do have compassion but not explicit, i think. Everyone's unique and it's great that you see your weakness and so gotta be real discipline to rid them. Make it a habit, stay away from proscrastination and full use every minute available!
Hope your mom is getting fine and recover soon. Cheers girl, stay positive.
I just got back from a church group gathering and wasn't in time to write the last post for year 2011. The gathering was great. Besides good food and games, we shared testimonies of how our lives had been touched and blessed by God. I also shared my story too (the concise version) with a group of people, mostly i did not know before today. Some were really touched by it, just like how i was touched by some of their testimonies as well. We then prayed for each other and know that God is with us at all times.
Anyway, I am now gonna do two posts of tradition in one this time.
In fact, i am not gonna do the "year in retrospect" thingy in the old ways anymore. I may write a paragraph or two as a quick wrap-up for the previous year, but there will no longer be a sequential detailed review anymore.
Frankly, i feel that the best "year in retrospect" post i've written was the one back in year 2009, the year when my life took a sharp turn and i had the most profound musings of my life. Nowadays, i avoid reading the old posts from that year, as doing so will only bring back all the bad memories. Yet, those posts were perhaps the most important because every piece was written in tears and helped to keep me sane during that most agonising time of my life.
Then in year 2010, i skipped the "year in retrospect" post, and in the first post for year 2011, i also skipped making new year's resolution. In that post, i wrote this:
...when a person needs to focus all her strength in living through the days without breaking down, when she needs to strive so hard to go through each day without giving up, when she needs to clench her teeth to subdue the overwhelming sorrow in her heart, when she needs to use her every breathe in chasing the shadow of far-away happiness despite the brokenness in her life, there is simply no extra energy for her to think about how each day passes. She can only work very hard at everything - at her life, at herself, just so that she will not be defeated by the wretchedness in life, with the hope that one day she will instead trample on the woes and put on a truly blissful smile and cry to the world, "i have survived and i am happy."
But for now, i can only say again, i have survived yet another year, happy or not.
The same can be said again for year 2011.
Well, i guess it has gotten better, as living through each day wasn't as difficult anymore. Yet i could not tell for sure if it was because i've numbed myself or i am indeed healing slowly. Whatever it is, i still wanna give myself a pat on the shoulders and said to myself, "you have survived another year in good shape!"
Indeed, it hasn't been too bad a year for me. I had two long personal trips this year. First was to Japan, which was the first time our group of old friends visiting Siang and her family at that foreign land. Then it was to Los Angeles with mom, seeing my brother again after more than 15 years being apart.
As for business trips, besides the regular trips to KL, i also went to Bali, Shanghai and HK. Our department also had our first team building event at Bukit Tinggi. There were some issues at work, which are still uncertain even until today, but there were also a few good news here and there (which i did not disclose on the blog).
Year 2011 was also the year i started slowly removing the things of that unpleasant past from my life. I sold off the HDB unit, returned the full sum of money to YY's mom (for her loan to us in buying the unit), and filed for my divorce. All these processes were painful but inevitable.
There were mishaps such as the lost wallet, car accident and sprained ankle, but there were also good news such as my good friend delivering a baby boy and me winning a free TV and DVD player.
As any other years, the past year was a mixture of good and bad, but one thing for sure is that there was blessing in everything, even for the worst situation.
Yes, we must always be grateful for everything in our life, good or bad. Good things are blessings from God, but do not forget that bad things can be blessings too. Sometimes we don't see it just yet, but when time comes, it will be revealed to us. So instead of feeling disgruntled about how life has been unfair to us (the "oh why me?" syndrome), do be grateful that we survived through the difficulties alive.
Every hardship we face in life is to mould us and build us. Some may think that such thought or saying is so corny, or it is just a way that we console ourselves. However, think of it this way - we can't change whatever that has already happened, so why not gain something out of the unpleasant past?
Every life experience, especially the difficult ones, will leave great impact in our life. We must always get some learning out of those experiences and have them contribute towards making us a better being.
The sorrow may still be torturing me inside, but i often ponder upon the life lessons that i should draw from that unpleasant past. There isn't a day passed by without me having the gratefulness in my heart. It may sound strange that i can actually be grateful for being sad. No, it is not that.
I am grateful for all the providence that God has blessed me with, all the good people that He had surrounded me with, and all the growth He had enabled me through the various experiences that i have to go through. It is not easy, and He never meant it to be easy anyway. The tougher it is, the more strength and perseverance are planted in me, and then i can become a better person to help and bless other people in turn.
As i waved bye-bye to year 2011 with a group of kind people, i welcome year 2012 with anxiety as well as anticipation. I am not gonna set out any resolutions but i do want to make one thing happen for myself in the new year - CHANGE.
Yes, this is going to be a year of change for me. I need to see changes in my life. I must make changes to my life. I have reached the point of my life that i know i must not stay at where i am anymore. More than two years of staying the same and being stuck in my own miserable pit is enough. Whatever that i was waiting for, or even the punishment that i unknowingly inflicted upon myself should have come to an end now. It is THE year to really move on.
O God, please grant me the wisdom and courage to take the leap of faith and to walk the path of Your will. Please heal me of the sorrow and help me to see the joy and hope in everyday life. Please guide me and show me the way, and put in me the strength to bear all burdens that come my way. Please let all goodness in my life that You have blessed me with becomes blessings to others, so that Your name will be glorified.
And lastly, to everyone in reading - wishing you a happy and blessed new year!
I'm not in the blogging mood lately, and i guess this is rather obvious from the infrequent updates.
Well, in fact i am not in the mood of doing anything.
It has been a slow week at work too, for i've handed the USA project back to the pretty girl and that eased off a portion of my workload. Yet, i'm still not sleeping early and spent lots of my non-working time reading novels off my iPhone.
Recently there have been some good and bad things encountered at work, and now i am at the point of my life to think about what i wanna do for the future. I do not know where i should cast my hope for the future even though i've been telling myself that there is always hope in life as long as we are alive and able. I'm just feeling so apprehensive about the roads ahead that i chose not to think too much about it and occupied myself with useless activities instead.
I'm an ostrich.
I think i should pray for direction from God, especially at times like this, but i'm not doing it. My mind is in a whirlpool of thoughts. I do not know what's wrong with me.
sigh, i guess this applies to a lot of people too - people does not know what to do for future. life as it goes? perhaps, you wanna ask yourself what did you want to be and do when you were a kid. and reminds you a forgotten goal.
That sounds like I have been looking forward to it. And my reply to that would be "yes and no".
There are things in life that you know are inevitable, such as death, or such as time passing by.
Yes, time - this is one thing in life that will never stop moving, no matter you are counting it or not.
It's as if you lock yourself in a room without clocks, watches, mobile phones, or anything that can tell time. You can't tell how long has passed, but time does not standstill simply because you are not paying any attention to it. The time will still pass, you will still age, the world will still change, and so do people.
I did not specifically mark the day on my calendar, but I know it would come eventually. I wasn't consciously counting the days, but there seemed to be a clock buried deep in my subconscious mind and went tick tick tick. And when this day has finally come, even though I did my best not to think anything about it, the heart would ache by itself, as if it had been set with an alarm and knew when to go off. Tick tick tick.
It's a mixed feeling, and I'm not sure how i should really feel about it. What I do know is that the road ahead is gonna be painful. The things that I've intentionally neglected, that I've forced myself not to remember, that I've numbed myself from feeling about it, will gotta be dug up one-by-one, torturing me, strangling me, wrenching my heart and mocking me.
Yes, it's gonna be difficult. I know but I'm gotta face it nonetheless.
Today has not been an easy day for me. I'm gonna end this with a note I posted on my FB today:
I am gonna allow myself to be human. If I were to break, I will let myself break, for I know that God will be with me at all times, and that is perhaps the only way that I can rebuild myself into someone stronger, better, and even happier.
eventually, this should come to an end. unwanted decision, but seems it's inevitable. the road ahead will be tough, a short one or a long one but you know it's not going to be eternal. if only there's tangible anesthestic that can be prescribed for the pain from the reopened wound, sigh. it's ok to let out once a while if you cannot hold it, or it's turning you into monster. Twice or thrice, as long it doesn't overhurt and renew the sorrow again and again. you must know, this must eventually put to stop. and this is not even of your fault. so please stay strong, pinpin. brace yourself, you gotta believe in your strength. not only your strength but also God's strength and your readers' belief in you. it's not going to taunt or mock you if you think it's not. and you are not going to toss and turn, have nightmares, cry at the mdnight or in front of your colleagues+friends, email your boss for being unwell, you don't have to be this, gal.and remember that you are also not going to be alone in the struggle, from near and from far.
perhaps, it will be better to divert thinking to focus in work (aren't you are a project planner) whenever your mind cross into that unwanted path ... stay strong, and believe in yourself, gal.
Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it takes times. Yes, there is no fixed solution. Yes, there is no sure answer when the roller coaster will slow down and things will become calm again before the roller coaster get triggered and started to break our peaceful mind and life. We got to be strong! We got to help ourselves! You have mother and friends who support you! You have a religion!
Since I came to LA, I've been thinking that I made a mistake in choosing to stay at my brother's place instead of a hotel. There are a number of reasons why I think this way, but the most crucial of all is the part where I'd have to sin.
And seriously, my conscience is killing me.
I guess it isn't really right for me to say that "I'd have to sin", as it sounds like I didn't have a choice. The fact is that I do have a choice, as everyone does in everything we do. Yet, as much as I was reluctant, I chose to do it nonetheless.
I have done two things that I hated and feel so guilty about it.
Firstly, I helped my brother's landlady to buy two cartons of duty-free cigarettes from Changi Airport and brought over to LA for her.
Ok, before you say this is not a big deal, do know that I hate smoking. I cannot stand people smoking; I am of the opinion that smoking is a bad habit and it is as good as spending money in gradually killing yourself. So, by helping my brother's landlady in buying cigarettes, I'm actually condoning a behaviour that I abhor.
I had actually contemplated not buying for her when I was at the airport, but my mom wanted to get it because she was worried that the landlady would be unhappy and then it would make my brother's life difficult. I didn't want my mom to be worried and so I relented.
Now whenever I am at the kitchen chatting with the landlady while she is taking a puff, and seeing that she is actually coughing and having sore throat for weeks already, I hear a voice telling myself that I should not have brought the cigarettes for her.
Secondly, which is the one that really makes me feel very guilty, is that I have to tell lies to my brother's landlady and her boy friend (who stays with her here) so that my story would match up with what my brother had told her.
I am not gonna divulge much here about what lies he had told in the first place. Basically, if I were to tell the truth, I'm not sure how the landlady would react. My brother may be in trouble, and I do not wanna create any troubles for him, which will in turn upset my mom.
Yet, the thing about lying is that most of the times, you gotta tell other lies to cover up one simple lie. And to make the matter worse, I do not know what my brother had told them in the entirety, and hence the more they poke, the more there will be loopholes in the stories.
Furthermore, the landlady and her boyfriend have been very friendly, truthful, hospitable and helpful to mom and me. They chatted with me like friends and told me about their families. The more they treat us well, the worse I feel about being not truthful with them. I could have made some friends in this trip but it is not gonna happen; I won't be able to add them to my FB or keep in touch if they request for it (and I hope they won't).
You see, just as any relationships, the foundation of friendship is truthfulness, sincerity and trust. From the very beginning, I haven't been truthful and I believe anyone would feel mad to be lied to. There is no way that they will take me as friends if they are aware of the truth and how I had lied to them.
And the worst of all is that through lying, I'm committing sins. I know God will not want His children to lie, and yet I still do it knowingly simply because I do not want to make my mom unhappy and make troubles for my brother. In a way, I've chosen humans over God.
For non believers, all these may not seem to be such a great deal, but my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ would understand how terrible I am feeling about all these. Now I'm not even sure if I'm worthy of asking for God's forgiveness when I'll still be lying while I'm still here. :(
sorry to read that your great anticipated trip had turned out to be one that carries guilt. don't be so hard on yourself. as your "about me" says - nobody is perfect. not that i'm discouraging you from becoming "perfect" pinpin, or encourage to use the phrase as excuse to justify misdeed, sometimes circumstance puts forth such that difficult decision has to be made and it might affect badly to some people but the gravity of it is not worse to the other. the choice you've made might not be the best for others (and in their thinking too), but i trust when you made that, it was best in your opinion at that moment (time factor too) after weighing all the downsides and selflessly considering for others. i believe you're not the type of person who decides solely for her own selfish gain and implicating other people. you abetted to be "sinner", but you did that because you love your mom and your bro and you place them higher than you. it's a choice, but it is one self-sacrifice choice (sigh, how many of us have done that too for being filial piety or behalf the loved ones..). not to say to lessen the guilt, and might be also not effective, i wonder if you could try to persuade the landlady to give up smoking , as what you have pointed out - smoking is a bad habit and it is as good as spending money in gradually killing yourself. of course, you should not adopt the way your brother advised you to give up starbucks....
hopefully the fun from your visits and the reunion with your brother (happy moment) shaded off the unhappy events in your trip. oh, aren't you supposed to have gathering with your old school friends when you come back from your trip at your old school? stay cheerful, gal and be positive! cheers.
I'm staying away from my laptop after work for this week. I do not switch on my laptop at all after I get "home", which is what I normally do everyday. Hence, I'm typing this post on my iPhone now, and will only do a short one because it's not easy to blog using iPhone. I still prefer actual qwerty keypad.
I took a cab back today because I didn't feel like walking and taking public transport. Then when the cab stopped at a traffic light, I saw a guy crossing the road with a lady. This guy was quite tall, rather good looking, dressed in smart office attire and looked quite young (maybe late 20s). The lady was short and plump, very plain looking, did not dress up or wear any makeup, and looked older (perhaps at her mid 30s). She held his arm while they crossed the road and they guy was listening attentively to her.
Now, what would cross your mind when you see this?
My first thought was - why such good looking guy would be with such plain looking lady?
Then my next though was - why not?
But then, I didn't even know if they were couple and I was already forming a perception about them. Isn't it strange how our perception works?
If a lady has her hand around a guy's arm, our perception tells us that they must be lovers.
If a guy looks good, our perception tells us that the other half should not be too bad looking too.
If there is mismatch in looks between the guy and girl, our perception tells us that there must be a strong reason to it, as if this should not have happened.
I can't help but wonder what kind of perception people form about me when they see me on the street. Hmm, intriguing.
how about blogging using your xperia mini :). it has qwerty keyboard, isn't it?
hmm, why would other people want to think about you when they probably many problems on their own like cost of living, job, kids, ipad, etc etc .... except, maybe you are one positive cheerful gal :). if you care much what other people perception on you, then stop being melancholy and moody. and, time to have nice nice shopping for nice nice dress in GSS :). cheers.
This week is supposed to be great, because it felt like a short working week since i only need to work in the office for three days.
Yet, i'm actually feeling rather down recently, for a reason that i am pretending it's not there at all.
Sometimes, something is just hidden deep underneath the surface despite your best effort to ignore it. You can do your best not to think about it, but you can't stop yourself from feeling it.
And when you do feel it, there is nothing you can do really, except continue to pretend that it is not there, continue to ignore it, continue to hypnotise yourself into believing that what you are feeling is just an illusion.
But then, once in a while, all that is pent up inside you just get so bloated that it overpowers and consumes you. It's as if it has a life of its own and you can't control or contain it anymore; in fact, it controls you instead.
That is when you stop wrestling with it. Let it out; let it overflow; let it weight down on you even, but do not attempt to suppress or deny it at all. You know that this is the only way to deflate it before it explodes. You know that all these are just yet another occasional uncontrollable moments that you have, and it will eventual wear off.
hope you are alright. i know you are doing your best not to let yourself hurt anymore. please stay strong, you gotta be strong. don't give up and let the devil triumphs at the end.
In reply to my post on the comics, Angel drew two frames as "alternative" ending to the comic strip:
These were nicely drawn even though it was a fast job.
Coincidentally, i posted up a passage i saw from the Web on my FB:
I totally agree with what was written here - we need not force ourselves to forget certain things or certain person. In fact, the more we force ourselves to forget, the more we will keep on remembering it. Time will make us forget, or rather, it will blur off our memories. Forgetting will just come naturally and does not require any effort.
And when we really forget someone or something, it isn't really wiped off from our memories totally (after all, that is only possible if we have amnesia). We know we have really forgotten that someone or something when our minds do not consciously think about it anymore, and even when we are reminded of it, we feel nothing about it at all. That is when we know that we have truly forgotten and moved on.
but .... the problem is, you are not force forgetting but keep reminding of it. stay strong gal, you must know many will always stand by you, support you, and there is aboslutely no reason you for you to continue to be sad. happiness will find you eventually when you open yourself to it.
(sigh, i shouldn't have posted this comment, but just to let you know there is still readers to support you no matter how).
dont't stay awake so late and think about unwanted things. and enjoy the look forwared long weekend with your friends! cheers.
I've always wanted to be kind. In fact, i've always believed that i am a kind person, or a person with a kind heart.
I remember that when i was in Primary 2 or 3, there was this guy with down syndrome working at the canteen. You know, kids being kids, everyone was either afraid of him (because we were too young to understand his "strange" behaviours), or did not like to get close to him.
Then there was once i bought some food and sat at the canteen with my friends. This guy came over and sat at our table, right beside me. The other kids then all left the table and sat at another place, but i stayed and forced myself to finish up the food before leaving. Actually in my heart, i was scared and wanted to leave too, but i thought of how he would feel if i did that. I did not want to hurt his feelings even though i was feeling very uneasy myself. That was the most miserable time i had eating at that canteen and i never forget this incident.
When i grew older and look back, i realised that i am a person who is very afraid of hurting other people. In fact, it is obvious in my job now too, as i could never bring myself in saying harsh words to my subordinates even when they made serious mistakes or not performing well.
Yet, i am not a saint. I have flaws, just like any other human beings, if not more. As much as i want to be kind to everyone, all the time, i don't always manage to do it. Human weaknesses get the best of me sometimes. I have fear and emotions; especially when i am provoked or get angry, i will get into a defensive or even aggressive mode, and would not think about whether or not my actions would hurt the others. And then later on, afer my emotions have subsided, i feel remorseful.
So you see, i am not really a kind person in nature. A person who is truly kind will be kind to everyone at all times, just like Jesus. I think for me, it is more of social conditioning that makes me a kind person most of the time, but not all the time. After all, didn't people always say that our true nature will surface under great emotions or pressure? I can be nasty and i even have evil thoughts when i am angry. Perhaps that is my real nature.
The memories of the hurting words that i said to YY haunt me sometimes, and i feel awful to think of what i had said to him during that time, knowing that some words could hurt him, just because i was hurt and i wanted to get back at him. I've never believed in hurting the person who hurt you, but the human survival instinct would impel me doing otherwise.
The same with if we have to hurt others to protect our self interest, i would still choose to do so. I do not feel good about it, but i will still do so... and then feel bad about it afterwards.
I believe that true kindness is not something we intentionally do to get something in return, such as donating to charity in exchange of fame or good karma. Real kindness comes out of the heart, with the genuine concerns for another and putting others before ourselves. It is not so much of the things that we find time to do or express, but it is manifested in our everyday behaviours and daily lives.
Kindness is a virtue that i would hope to grow in me, and i think i still have a long way to go.
wah!!! you are too over perfectionism lor! B'cos I'm that kind of person: 我爽的人爽，我就爽；我不爽的人不爽，我更爽！ ^-^ come on, we are human being leh!~ pride,envy,angry & etc are natural, I don't believe anyone in this world can be like Jesus, because we are not saint. The thing is whether we are able to control the bad thinking or we just simply use it as a excuse to do something bad. That's why we need to do confession mah! ^-^
I travel so frequently that i should be used to packing and unpacking. Yet, it still takes me hours to pack my luggage everytime. Like just now, it took me about two hours to pack one-week of luggage.
Anyway, the past week was crazy and i survived it with a rather satisfactory outcome. I am talking about work of course. For personal life, it wasn't as good actually.
Last Friday, YY and i met up and then went to the law firm to sign some papers for the sale of our HDB unit. We chatted for a while, and i'm not gonna relate here on what we talked about. All i wanna say is that it still hurts, especially when i was reminded again of how our lives are now, and will continue to be, two parallel lines that will not cross paths again.
It's not so much of letting go or whatnot. Chinese has a word for the kind of feeling that i am having, and i am not sure which English word can aptly describe it - 感慨. It's kinda like i can't help but lament the unpredictable and sorrowful events in my life, and wonder how things would come to this stage today.
Oh well, i am actually numbed with this kind of feelings already. As i've said before, when you are so used to something, you just kinda live with it, as if it has been there since the day you were born. You would then simply ignore it, or bury it deep in your heart, and do not even wanna talk about it anymore.
Uh huh, in a way, i am like carrying a luggage in my life, packed with memories and sorrows. Yeah, i know, i should unpack it or throw it away, but it's always easier said than done. Now, i do not want to even think too much about how to clear this luggage away, for focusing too much on it only makes it worse sometimes. All i wanna do now is just to live through each day, even if carrying that luggage with me wherever i go, but at least not being weighed down or tumble. Merely doing that, i tell you, will already drain lots of energy out of me.
Whatever it is, that horrible week had passed already, and i am looking forward to a new week in Bali. I am sure it is gonna be a great trip.
have a nice enjoyable trip in Bali! don't, i mean with emphasis - never let that sad silly thoughts creep into your mind and ruin the holiday, errr, business trip. cheers, and have fun (so envious) :)
ah, really sorry i'm unable to post any drawing this week, busy a bit on work. excuse? aha, anyway all the best for the conference.
I gotta admit that the thought crossed my mind, again. Uh huh, the thought of shutting down this blog and stop blogging once and for all.
Somehow, i found it harder to blog nowadays. I do not want to say that it's because i'm busy at work and do not have the time or energy. Even though it's true to a certain extent, it would sound too much like an excuse.
After all, my friend once said, "时间就像乳沟，挤一挤总还是有的" (translation: time is like cleavage, squeeze and there will be some). And indeed, with all those magic push-up bra in the market, one can never fail to squeeze out the deep-v; so really, why i can't do the same for time?
That's because there's no magic bra for the time in our life. Everyone is born with different sizes of breasts, but all of us are given the same number of hours in a day. The difference is just that some people have lesser things to do, or maybe they are better in managing time. Whatever it is, i do need a magic bra for time, and a super push-up one.
Back to why i was thinking of stop blogging. Well, recently i found myself unable to think well and having difficulties in articulating my thoughts in words. Something in me is slipping away, but i'm not sure what and why. I feel that it may not be so much about losing a certain flair that i think i have; rather, it may be a realisation that i actually do not have it at all to begin with.
That can be scary, i tell you. When you are at a loss of what you have or do not have, what you can do or cannot do, and what you are good at or what you are not, you will just feel apprehensive of the future, of your self-worth, or even of your very existence. You fear the possibility that one day you would finally realise you are just a good-for-nothing who will forever amount to nothing and will eventually die alone, sad and broken.
In case you are wondering what the heck am i babbling about here, frankly, i do not know for sure too. This is precisely why i do not feel like blogging anymore - i can either fill this blog with posts like a diary that simply documents the boring events of my life, or flood it with nonsensical thoughts that are often dark and negative.
Oh well, perhaps all i need is just a good rest. Maybe i am just tired.
dear pinpin, hope that this is just one another low spirited post that can be brushed off and all forgotten in the next day (and when you are reading this, you already have forgotten about yesterday). Did something happen this day that causes you to have this thought? i've always hoped that if this blog indeed to end, it would be something about eternal happiness, something with all's well end's well but certainly it is NOT something like this. Life's dull anyway, especially working life, with stress and pressure somemore. But it's for us to add color into it, to turn it around to make it interesting and filled with laughters. there's no mistake that you have sweetness in you and talent in expressing thoughts (you won prize for writing too, isn't it ..) , which have gained you many friends, admires and respects from colleagues, teammates and blog readers from afar. even cabbies like to talk to you, minus the one forbid you eating in his car. so, please don't give up on yourself. it's just that you have not back to normal and the actual pinpin as she used to be, yet. and i'm looking forward that she will bounce back with laughters to be shared with us all. and, come on, there are so many things yet to be filled in this space. what about the long queues for your travelogs, especially the recent one you lamented how short it was. and the chrismas blast with your colleagues. and tricks working on your SLR. and of course there are more good things yet to come. certainly there are fun incidents in office and with friends that should be expressed in writing and can bring smiles when reading them back and extinguish those melancholy mood. remember this will be a great year, and please put this in mind. perhaps, writing happy things will slowly and eventually put away those silly thoughts of being lonely. yawn, i've been typing too long again. i'm not a great writer like you, thus i don't think i can really inspire and leave much impact on you. again and again, always stay positive, and cheers. -HY-
No, it is not PMS. I have just had my menses actually, unless the "P" in PMS stands for "post" rather than "pre".
I'm not sure if the rain had anything to do with my gloomy mood (thank God that the rain has finally stopped after two days!), but it sure didn't help when i gotta commute to office with public transport in the wet weather.
I think i know the real cause for me being in such low spirit. It must be PBB - Pre Birthday Blues.
Yes, at my age, it has become a day to be dreaded. Just less than 10 minutes more to go... sigh...
got sound one, so get yourself a headphone :) wait a minute, swf doesn't work on iphone, oh no, ...... i just realize it (no, no i still don't have iphone)! btw, to rewind once finished, just choose play from the pop up menu (right click).
hope it does really CHEER you up. be happy, pinpin. hehe, sure there gonna be more to celebrate your birthday at day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
eh, how could it be like this? reality could be harsh, i understand, but it depends how you to see it and to turn it around. and, it's your BIRTHDAY! be optimistic and positive and don't let the mood eats you up. don't think too much of the bad unwanted things when you supposed to be surrounded with goodness. cheer up, don't be sad especially on your birthday. tomorrow, no, today is your day and there gonna be a celebration for it.
oh maybe that's because of your holiday is over so soon. try to plan more upcoming holidays-lor, and more activities with your friends that won't cause you to sink into melancholy. think of funny and happy events, incidents with your friends that makes you laugh even a little that helps to break the mood. i might be writing without substance and impact, but just to let you know that many out there wants you to be happy.
Thanks, angel. I am absolutely impressed by the flash card. Making flash animation was something that i've thought of learning a few years back but never really put my heart into learning it. You are really talented!
It was a great gift for me to start off my birthday. Really appreciate it. :)
I was on leave today, as i needed to go to HDB for our first appointment for the HDB unit sale process. That was the reason why i didn't stay in KL for the entire workweek like i usually do.
The processing was done within an hour or so, and the second appointment is scheduled to be on 11-March, which will be the day that the entire sale process is complete and we hand over the keys to the buyer. This means that we have about a month or so to vacate the unit. I will have to take care of the furniture in the house as soon as possible, whether to bring back to JB, to sell them off, or to give away.
As the agent thought that the marriage cert was required, she had told us to bring it along. So last night, i had to get it out from the drawer where it was buried deep inside, and as you might have expected, i opened it up and had a look... and then i felt sad.
You know, the irony of it just ate me up. It's the same with going to HDB - just a few years back, we were there as buyers, processing the purchase of the unit, with our hearts filled with joy and anticipation of a blissful future together. Now, bit-by-bit, it's like playing a tape in reverse mode. I have a feeling as if i am living my life backwards. First living alone again, then get rid of the house, and next will be back to "single" status again. Little-by-little, i am "undoing" the milestones in my life.
Yet, there is no such thing as "undo" in life, even though i wish there is. Undo is to have the things erased and as if it never happened; things are just back to before. But as i am reversing the things in my life, it can never get back to where it was before. Whatever happened had happened, and nothing, NOTHING is ever the same again. Things have changed, i have changed, he has changed, and life has changed. Everything will still continue to change, and i could only hope... no no, i could only ensure that the change is for the better.
Anyway, back to the sale of our HDB unit. There should be some proceeds from the sales even though not a huge sum. I don't think i'd be left with too much cash, especially after settling all the debts.
Oh well, i am not looking at earning profit out of the property anyway. My aim is just to get rid of it without the need to scoop out any money. Anything extra is a bonus to me. Therefore i am really grateful for getting a positive sale of the property within such short time.
another meaning of "undo" which listed in edit menu is to back out errors and make correction. it's not good analogy since things had happened and it would not be the same again, life's obviously not like the undo in computers.what i'm trying to emphasis, like you said - change for the better (and throw away the worse)!
you will do good, girl. as you have mentioned, this and subsequent years are gonna be great, and please keep that in mind. goodness will seek for you if you continue to see light in yourself. have faith of yourself. family, friends, blog readers and even God all don't bear to see you continue to fill with sadness.
life sometimes is irony but that's how you to see so pinpin, start thinking positively for all wants to see you happy
This post comes a bit late today, but before i carry on, i'd first like to wish everyone a great year 2011 with the beautiful drawing from Angel (thanks again!):
This year, i am gonna skip the obligatory "year in retrospect" post, not because i've missed the last day of the year in posting it, but i seriously do not know what to write about the year 2010. The year passed by too fast, and it feels like i've done nothing and yet i've done quite a lot. It feels like i'm still at where i was and yet i've actually marched a step forward.
Just a few weeks back, LF and i chatted about the year that was about to end soon, and we both were amazed at how the year just came to an end like that, without us realising how the days had gone by. We came to a conclusion that when a person needs to focus all her strength in living through the days without breaking down, when she needs to strive so hard to go through each day without giving up, when she needs to clench her teeth to subdue the overwhelming sorrow in her heart, when she needs to use her every breathe in chasing the shadow of far-away happiness despite the brokenness in her life, there is simply no extra energy for her to think about how each day passes. She can only work very hard at everything - at her life, at herself, just so that she will not be defeated by the wretchedness in life, with the hope that one day she will instead trample on the woes and put on a truly blissful smile and cry to the world, "i have survived and i am happy."
But for now, i can only say again, i have survived yet another year, happy or not.
For the new year's resolutions i posted last year, i think i've achieved half and failed half. However, it doesn't matter at all if i did achieve what i set out to do. I guess what really matters is whether or not i had put an effort in working towards achieving it. I think i had; maybe not as much effort as i should have put in, but i did work on it and that in itself is a positive step in my life.
In the wrap-up post last year, i posed a question about year 2010: "What lies ahead of me? What's in store for me? Will it be better, or can it be any worse?"
When the year has finally ended, i still do not have the answer, and the same question could probably be asked about the year 2011 too. Or rather, i do not want to ask the exact same question. I still will not know what lies ahead of me and what plan God has for me, but what i do know is that it will NOT be worse. I want to make it better, in all aspects of my life. It will be better.
If year 2012 is indeed the end of the world, then this is gonna be the very last year of all human lives. Then the more we should savour it, treasure it, and make the best out of it.
Happy New Year, everyone. Do make it a truly happy year, for yourself and your loved ones.
glad you had a wonderful gathering with your friends. yup, let's have all the suays ceased for good and starting 2011 onwards things will be better. And don't sound like there's iota possiblity of failure - you will always survive no matter how, for i believe you will definitely never let yourself to fall, of course there is still your great friends to support you, to rise you up :). all the best, pinpin.
aiya, given your capability and character, it will be such waste if you do not aim for higher goal. a good leader when believes what is right, will stand to it and always execute it. a good leader also commands respect from many people, and sure many of your colleagues are respecting you also :). have confidence on yourself, don't cling to pessimistic thoughts. you can do it.
Met up with my property agent friend and YY after work to discuss about the sale of our HDB.
Uh huh, the HDB could finally be put up for sale, as the lock-down period of the bank loan had ended at end Oct. The selling process can finally commence now.
Felt very down after the meet-up and cried for a while after reached "home".
Besides some of the things that YY did that had upset me, the main reason is the irony of the situation.
Just slightly more than two years ago, YY and i met up with the same agent to discuss about buying a home. At that time, our hearts were filled with joy and hope for a happy future together. We were looking forward to having a place that belongs to us, a place that manifests our love, a place that we call home.
Now, two of us were meeting the exact same person, but we are selling away a house and there is no happiness but sorrow; we are not in anticipation of a future but marking an end; it is no longer a home but just a piece of property that we jointly own.
There is no word to aptly describe the kind of feeling that i have; you know, the feeling that you thought a story was to start with "once upon a time" and end with "happily ever after", but only to find out that it has never meant to be a fairy tale and you were never meant to live like a princess and to be loved and protected by a prince charming forever and ever. It is the feeling of being struck hard by reality, waking you up to the cold harsh truth that you were born alone, you will live your life alone, and you will probably die alone too.
I am totally flabbergasted, not knowing what to think and how to react to such transience of life. I only know my heart is filled with grief, and i could not confide in anyone because i do not have anyone to talk to. So all i could do is to write write write here, even though sometimes i don't really know what i'm blabbering about.
And i know the loneliness and helplessness get to me. I'm alerting myself not to be overcome by this sense of desolation.
I noticed that recently i've been bugging a few of my colleagues with some of my personal stuff. When i was hesitating which phone to buy, i sms-ed the two IT guys in my department and asked for their opinions. When i bought my new phone, i do not know who to share the excitement with and so i sms-ed little bro in KL. When i wanna gossip about something, i msn-ed the colleague who knew about my blog. When i wanna rant about some of my work, i complained to ex-little boss...
Then i realised something is not right. It is especially inconsiderate for me to sms the married guys in the evening to ask for opinion on non-work related stuff. I told myself i gotta get used to being alone; i gotta get used to not having anyone to share anything with; i gotta get used to making my own decision and doing things alone.
Life has changed, and it may very well continue changing. Perhaps i'm not changing fast enough to cope with the changes in life and that's why i'm not thinking right, acting right, or feeling right.
Friend, ur thinking is something not right. NO, it's very wrong. what do u means by u should get used to not having anyone to share anything with, and get used to making own decision & doing thing alone???????? Actually it's not this statement itself is wrong. b'cos to everbody no matter who u had discuss with, in the end the decision is still made by urself, not anybody else. Anybody beside urself can only give suggestion, not making decision for u. This is NOT b'cos of u don't have partner for life now, then u r making decision all by urself! I can understand why u say this, but din u think sometimes u r making urself too miserable? that's not wrong of getting opinion from friends, colleagues. Furthermore, u r not bothering them everyday, every hours, it's absolutely correct for us to seek opinion from somebody who we think they should have some knowledge to help us, and I think they are happy to same with u too. Of course u wouldn't come to ask me which hp or IT tools to get, since I'm a layman. and I wouldn't call u up to ask for financial consultantation & etc. If I'm having this same thinking like u, then I should be more anti-social & hide myself in my own cage long long time ago lor! Friend, I hope u r only grumbling. After that still continue to asking right person for their opinion. B'cos I'm going to do continue to bother u too. So let make used of each others instead of get used to alone. :p
sigh, like your friend Sui had said, it's not good (and unhealthy too) to perceive yourself being alone and "encourage" yourself so. what about your 6 best friends that you are proud striding with that i'm so envious(yes, i'm very jealous coz i don't have that many :| ). So, you shouldn't let them down on you. See how one of your friend just invited you to bug her instead if you feel lonely.
Depending how you look at it, it's not really inappropriate to sms to ask opinion from someone who well-versed on gadgets when you are noob on them. nobody knows everything and be able to accomplish all the things ALONE, certainly you need help in areas you are not acquainted and they need yours too vice versa. Plus, from the way you described they treat and pamper you, i don't think they would find you bugging. Some people just enjoy and honoured to offer advice and there's pride and dignity in it. Moreover if the intended person is a nice good friend and colleague like you! Maybe i'm not them hence i could have exaggerated, but i don't think my description (and imagination) would be far off :p. To put another way, they might also enjoy having you to instill liveliness your chat topics, gossips, sms, jokes, comical gestures, sarcasm, attention seeking. without you, they probably super stress and bored. you are not only articulate but also cute, right? And who doesn't like cute person? So, please STOP being pessimist! you are not nobody, you are 彬彬.
it's good to become independent but don't to the "extreme" that you'd lose your true self. but importantly, you should learn not to shed tears over something wicked done to you and that it's even not your fault. you gonna learn to be STRONG, princess. don't let the wicked step over you. even in fairy tale the good protagonist always wins and what makes different in this tale is you have the freehand to dictate the course yourself. don't let your readers read "at the end, the good cute princess lives in desolation because she's so sick with life". awggghhh, i don't want this ...... and yeah, stop crying and you could do LASIK and become independent from glasses! and princess should not wear glasses, right?
:( - i might overly exert here, naive, hypocritical, nonsensical, impractical and uninvited, but just to let you know that you are certainly not alone. And your loneliness could have been contributed by your lingering in midnights. So, sleep early, start afresh in tomorrow morning as pleasant positive gal and enjoy the weekend with your closest friends. Hey, you don't need to share your excitement of your new xperia only with your little bro, you could have sent out the lines in your blog, twitter, or FB status and see how many would respond to it - sms roaming is $$$ from kl to sg anyway and you have to consider for your little bro too. kidding!
^_^ - oh, speaking of disturbing and being inconsiderate, i think i'm far worse when i walk around to nag my colleagues while waiting the program compilation to complete, and i can sense my colleagues busy at their work sometimes really cannot tahan me. and there's one occasion that i "shamelessly" told the caller from other department that "i'm not in" (then when she's about to hang up, i said hey, don't hang up, i just kidding). well, i might be immature, intolerant to some, and if you are my boss i think you will strangle me already... aha. what i'm trying to point though you might think yourself inconsiderate, selfish, irritating, but that's all your perception and it might not true for your colleagues! okay, i gave bad examples, but you should stop put blame everything on yourself.
Stay strong 彬彬, 加油. Yes, life has changed, many things indeed have changed but 彬彬 will overcome them. cheers. -HY-
Sui is always so right when she gives "lecture". keke. I agreed with her point. Therefore I always disturbed you all by sending emails to nag about work. :) ym.
Min, is that a compliment? Nevermind I take it as a "yes" :p So let's continue to "disturbing" each others, don't care it's on blog, FB, sms, e-mail, call & etc. Aren't I always said : 好朋友是拿来互相利用的. when u share your happiness with your friend, the happiness is doubled. when you share your sorrow with your friend, the sorrow is being halved. Please remember this.
Saw a link on FB with a video clip of my theme songs and favourite songs, sung by a female singer for the first time. I did a search on YouTube and was moved to tears by her singing.
Her rendition of the song really made my hair stand. It was like that voice buried deep in my heart yelling out to the world, expressing the constant feelings that i have - that inadequacies i always feel in me, the remorse i hold for the past, the forlornness that lurks in my heart, and the apprehension i have for the future.
And i know that it is not only me, but a few of my close friends may identify themselves in this song too.
My dearest friends, do you hear your inner self too in this song?
Do you feel that the higher you go, the more complicated your life becomes (也许有一天我栖上了枝头 却成为猎人的目标)?
Do you also realise that the higher you want to fly, the lonelier you get in life (我飞上了青天 才发现自己从此无依无靠)?
Do you also wonder if you are the only one who's going nowhere for your future (我怀疑是不是只有我的明天没有变得更好)?
Are you also feeling the helplessness of being tied down by the obligations in life (世界是如此的小 我们注定无处可逃。。。生活的压力与生命的尊严哪一个重要)?
My friends, i know how it feels, for i feel the same way too. All the time.
By the Chinese saying that a person would live till 70 years old (人生七十古来稀), then being 35 years old means that about half of our life is gone already. Yeah, we are at the age of stuck-in-between; we are not young anymore and yet we are not really old either; we are not here nor there in the journey of life.
Sometimes i wonder what i have really done for the half of my life. I wonder how i came to where i am today, and where i am heading to, or rather, where i should be heading to. Despite of all the years of education, despite of how much i've seen of the world, despite of all the experience i've gathered through my life, i suddenly realise that i'm actually an ignorant person, for i do not know for sure what i really want for the future.
Or maybe it is not that. Maybe it's just that i know very well that we can never get what we really want for our lives. We can hope and we can pray, but at the end of the day, it is not our will but His.
Do not be mistaken that this means we do not have to make choices. Yes, it is His will to be done, but He gave us free will too to choose whether or not we will be obedient.
Whichever path we take will lead us down a different route, and the most important thing is that we must never stray from the right course, for we only get to travel through life once and there is no turning back. There is of course always a chance to set back to the right course, but what's done has been done and what's lost has been lost. We can never get back the time or the life that we had failed to treasure.
I have regrets. I have fear. Yet i also have hope; dimming it may seen but still gleaming through the darkness.
Perhaps when my faith is strengthened, then there shall be no more regrets nor fear. Until then, the shimmering light of hope will continue leading the way.
that day, while driving, radio play this song. I sing along, and tear drop. Is it really the kind of life I want for the rest of my life? This is the question I'd been asking myself recently. I know the answer, but still looking for a way to change it. Hope all of us can look/think clearer and make a wise decision.
it's a very nice song you've posted (somehow the good powerful voice blew that guy singer too). love it.
i also feel the same way and always thought can actually perform many things and achieve greater heights. unfortunately reality is harsh, and blame too my ignorance, low confidence and non-persistent (heck, i don't know even how to fill goals in my company self-appraisal form). i don't like to be adult fill worries of money, parents, job, losing friends, but can't escape that fact. perhaps it's time to change the mindset of not just thinking eat, sleep, play and enjoy....
Over the past few days, while i was busy at work in the day and late into the evening, a tiny bit of past memory crept into my mind.
Sad memory.
I was referring to the window in that room -- the room where i spent the most agonising and tormenting three months of my life; the room that marks the turning point in my life.
I think memories are stored in bits and pieces, very much like the slides of the old days. For those who are old enough would know that we used to have this reversal film that could produce positive images (幻灯片) and be viewed with a slide projector. Now everything is replaced with digital images and PowerPoint slides that the younger generation may not know what this is.
Yeah, memories are like the slides, and our brain is the slide projector. The details of the past may fade away slowly, yet some portions of it would remain and then played in your mind just like a slide show. You don't see the details, but the scenes or images of certain things, one after another, would flicker from time to time, while reawakening the past feelings that accompanied that piece of memory.
Perhaps that was what happened to me. The slide of that window and that night sky flicked through my mind and twitched my heart at the same time. I did not intentionally reminisce about that sorrowful past, but i guess memory is a strange thing. As much as you try to lock it up, it will always find a way to leak out every once in a while.
Sometimes i just wish that our brain works the same way as computers. How great it would be if we can delete the memory that we do not want, or moved it away to another storage and never look at it again, or even reformat it to wipe it out totally. Too bad that it doesn't work this way, so i guess i will just have to live with it.
No, it has nothing to do with the window in my current rented room. That window with the night sky is part of that unhappy memory. I guess it was because of all the sleepless nights during my three-month stay in that room, when i would lie on the mattress and stare out of that window into the dark sky, with my heart aching. That image had probably etched into my mind.
it's still an "image" of your loneliness :(. hmm, maybe you should change the interior placements so that the sorrow past be even lesser - and sign of the new good 2010 pinpin. what i'm suggesting is with shade/poster to cover the nightsky hopefully helps reducing the memory of the past (at least you don't have black rectangle but picture of cuteness, or something). even projector slides will decay and attract fungus if not stored in good condition and used frequently.
I've been telling myself everyday that i gotta go to bed before midnight, but then everyday i'm still sleeping late. On average, i'm only getting about 5 hours sleep during weekdays.
I have some theories about why i'm being a night owl, but then it doesn't really help by merely theorising it and yet do nothing about it.
Anyway, here are my theories:
I've been working late in the office everyday and when i got back to my rented place it's already late too. But i still spend the same amount of time doing whatever crap i'm doing every night after work (don't ask me what crap... frankly, i also don't know), and that's why it kinda push back my bed time too.
Subconsciously i wanted to deprive myself of sleep just so that i am tired all the time. In this way, i do not have to stay wide awake in bed thinking of things that i shouldn't be thinking about, and my mind will also not be in the most alert stage during my waking hours so that my ability to feel also diminishes.
Subconsciously i'm intentionally causing harm to myself by not getting sufficient rest as a way of slowly committing suicide. (Ok, before anyone jumps on this, note that this is just my theory. My conscious mind isn't thinking this, but then who knows what my subconscious mind is doing?).
It has become a bad habit.
Whatever it is, i know that it will take conscious effort to stop this behaviour. And of course, lots of will-power and determination too, which is definitely something i'm not very good at.
em~~~~ can't comment b'cos I'm not better than u in this area. But to me most likely is the last reason - It has really became a very bad habit liao! :p
Can't beat you in this - I used to sleep at 1.30 or 2 and woke at 8 so average makes 6 hours. Worse was consecutive 2 - 7.15 for 2, 3 days and ended up slept in MRT during the journey to work that took 1 hr plus. Well, I have my own reasons too - I reached home around 9pm so it makes i have 5 hours doing crap stuffs. And it's dread to think I only have short time for my own enjoyment before I face hell the next day in work. Life is to enjoy to the fullest, and instead sleep which is practically wasting time and cutting short consciousness, i'd rather surf net, participate fb and forums, watch TV and read books. Somehow, my brain automatically programmed that when I saw taskbar shows 2.00am, it's time to bed and if not i can imagine i'll wear down and jeopardize work performance (however, when I'm in something like researching for work or addict to some stuff, then it'll push to 3, 4 am). Overall, it's BAD HABIT.
It is bad not to have sufficient of 7-8 hrs sleep. When you deprived of sleep, you're not in top form of yourself. You might unable to think properly and to perform the best in your work (and prove yourself in career). And you might get sick easily too since your immune system has not enough time to recharge to fight diseases. What's more, you'll sure don't want to get dark circles and scare off your colleagues, customers and boss. You'll probably end up taking nap during journey in public transport which is not good and embarassing.
sigh, how could you link "suicide" with depriving of sleep though you said it's subconsciously :(. You must definitely wrong with this theory! I'm not sure but how do you know yourself it's time to go to bed? Is it because the clock shows 1:30/2am ? Or you continue doing crap stuff until you become unawarely slept? Maybe you should adjust your threshold that 12am is late and time to bed (or adjust +2 hrs on your PC so you subconsciously think it's late). Perhaps you should have your mom to nag you or close friends to remind you "it's 12am and time to bed!" probably it might work, though ..... And cut down coffee might help too.
please take care of your health, which also includes having enough of sleep :)
