Anyway, I am now gonna do two posts of tradition in one this time.
In fact, i am not gonna do the "year in retrospect" thingy in the old ways anymore. I may write a paragraph or two as a quick wrap-up for the previous year, but there will no longer be a sequential detailed review anymore.
Frankly, i feel that the best "year in retrospect" post i've written was the one back in year 2009, the year when my life took a sharp turn and i had the most profound musings of my life. Nowadays, i avoid reading the old posts from that year, as doing so will only bring back all the bad memories. Yet, those posts were perhaps the most important because every piece was written in tears and helped to keep me sane during that most agonising time of my life.
Then in year 2010, i skipped the "year in retrospect" post, and in the first post for year 2011, i also skipped making new year's resolution. In that post, i wrote this:
...when a person needs to focus all her strength in living through the days without breaking down, when she needs to strive so hard to go through each day without giving up, when she needs to clench her teeth to subdue the overwhelming sorrow in her heart, when she needs to use her every breathe in chasing the shadow of far-away happiness despite the brokenness in her life, there is simply no extra energy for her to think about how each day passes. She can only work very hard at everything - at her life, at herself, just so that she will not be defeated by the wretchedness in life, with the hope that one day she will instead trample on the woes and put on a truly blissful smile and cry to the world, "i have survived and i am happy."
But for now, i can only say again, i have survived yet another year, happy or not.
The same can be said again for year 2011.
Well, i guess it has gotten better, as living through each day wasn't as difficult anymore. Yet i could not tell for sure if it was because i've numbed myself or i am indeed healing slowly. Whatever it is, i still wanna give myself a pat on the shoulders and said to myself, "you have survived another year in good shape!"
Indeed, it hasn't been too bad a year for me. I had two long personal trips this year. First was to Japan, which was the first time our group of old friends visiting Siang and her family at that foreign land. Then it was to Los Angeles with mom, seeing my brother again after more than 15 years being apart.
As for business trips, besides the regular trips to KL, i also went to Bali, Shanghai and HK. Our department also had our first team building event at Bukit Tinggi. There were some issues at work, which are still uncertain even until today, but there were also a few good news here and there (which i did not disclose on the blog).
Year 2011 was also the year i started slowly removing the things of that unpleasant past from my life. I sold off the HDB unit, returned the full sum of money to YY's mom (for her loan to us in buying the unit), and filed for my divorce. All these processes were painful but inevitable.
There were mishaps such as the lost wallet, car accident and sprained ankle, but there were also good news such as my good friend delivering a baby boy and me winning a free TV and DVD player.
As any other years, the past year was a mixture of good and bad, but one thing for sure is that there was blessing in everything, even for the worst situation.
Yes, we must always be grateful for everything in our life, good or bad. Good things are blessings from God, but do not forget that bad things can be blessings too. Sometimes we don't see it just yet, but when time comes, it will be revealed to us. So instead of feeling disgruntled about how life has been unfair to us (the "oh why me?" syndrome), do be grateful that we survived through the difficulties alive.
Every hardship we face in life is to mould us and build us. Some may think that such thought or saying is so corny, or it is just a way that we console ourselves. However, think of it this way - we can't change whatever that has already happened, so why not gain something out of the unpleasant past?
Every life experience, especially the difficult ones, will leave great impact in our life. We must always get some learning out of those experiences and have them contribute towards making us a better being.
The sorrow may still be torturing me inside, but i often ponder upon the life lessons that i should draw from that unpleasant past. There isn't a day passed by without me having the gratefulness in my heart. It may sound strange that i can actually be grateful for being sad. No, it is not that.
I am grateful for all the providence that God has blessed me with, all the good people that He had surrounded me with, and all the growth He had enabled me through the various experiences that i have to go through. It is not easy, and He never meant it to be easy anyway. The tougher it is, the more strength and perseverance are planted in me, and then i can become a better person to help and bless other people in turn.
As i waved bye-bye to year 2011 with a group of kind people, i welcome year 2012 with anxiety as well as anticipation. I am not gonna set out any resolutions but i do want to make one thing happen for myself in the new year - CHANGE.
Yes, this is going to be a year of change for me. I need to see changes in my life. I must make changes to my life. I have reached the point of my life that i know i must not stay at where i am anymore. More than two years of staying the same and being stuck in my own miserable pit is enough. Whatever that i was waiting for, or even the punishment that i unknowingly inflicted upon myself should have come to an end now. It is THE year to really move on.
O God, please grant me the wisdom and courage to take the leap of faith and to walk the path of Your will. Please heal me of the sorrow and help me to see the joy and hope in everyday life. Please guide me and show me the way, and put in me the strength to bear all burdens that come my way. Please let all goodness in my life that You have blessed me with becomes blessings to others, so that Your name will be glorified.
And lastly, to everyone in reading - wishing you a happy and blessed new year!
Labels: introspection
