I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Thursday, December 29, 2011


My attempt to get myself back to normal sleeping hours last night did not turn out too well. I am gonna do it again tonight.

Went to bed at 12am (this is considered earlier than usual already) and did not have problem falling asleep. But then, at around 3am+, i woke up because of a bad dream. It was bad sleeping quality after that.

I dreamt of YY. I can't remember the exact story in the dream, but it was something about him with another woman. In the dream, i was weeping sadly. I cried and cried and cried until i woke up finding myself lying in bed, my heart aching in agony.

This was not the first time that i had dreams like this. Everytime in the dream, it was always about YY being with another woman, and i would weep in deep sorrow. Then everytime i would wake up in grief and felt low-spirited for the entire day.

And there was one different dream that i had almost a year ago but i could remember vividly till today. In the dream, YY and i had agreed to meet up somewhere for a chat at a restaurant. I arrived at the meet-up place but went around the building many times, unable to find the exact restaurant. I called him up and asked him where he was, and he was also doing the same, going around the building in search of the exact place. He and i were at the same building at the same time, going 'round and 'round but we just could not find each other.

Then i woke up feeling really lousy. The dream was like a portrayal of our relationship - even though we are so near, we would never find each other anymore; our paths will not cross again.

I wasn't finding excuses when i mentioned before that i may be subconsciously deprived myself of sleep. When i am awake, i may be able to suppress my feelings and thoughts, but the monster simply can't be contained in dreams.

I know i still miss him, for i still hear the voice in my heart calling "bei" sometimes; or perhaps what i really miss isn't him but all the happy years we spent together. Whichever it is, i am not sure.

What i am sure though is that i am unwell; there is still something not right with me in my heart and in my mind. Intentionally not seeing it does not mean that it is not there; hiding it away does not mean that it will just go away by itself.

I know i gotta do something about it; i just gotta figure out how.


sigh, it's going to be new year soon and you got struck with this. it's not always like this, isn't it? it 's just perhaps the recent events that set off you with the nightmares. gal, this obviously is not excuse (you've already said it, but i remind it again) not to sleep early and ruining your health and making lots of people worried. you gotta be strong, gal. year 2011 supposed to be a great year for you, ok, minus the sprain, theft, accident, the ruined lasik plan, rebellious teammate, steve jobs, but it should be a year for you to set a new life and path. and you gotta continue to stay positive, don't let one-two setbacks to hold you down and ruin what you have been keeping up. when you feel unhappy/melancholy, you might immediately do something to clear your mind from it, maybe reading comic, watching sticoms/comedy or playing some games. if you steel yourself and make it a habit not thinking /pondering of it, remind yourself you have nothing to do with the past anymore, perhaps subconsciously you might able to empower yourself in the bad dreams you have. i might naively saying something here, but i really hope that you could really throw all this behind for good and be a happy-go-lucky instead of unpredictable pinpin.

hopefully the coming new year 2012 (the earth is still moving around, don't believe the mayan myth) you will free from these unhappiness. hey, you should be hard to yourself to make it as a promise! of course, i supposed you will be free from contacts and glasses in 2012, so with the new look and resolution it's time to really put all monsters and demons into oblivion forever from sight and mind. there's gotta be a start. i'm sorry that i'm unable to come out anymore drawings to entertain you like last time (really really sorry) - got stuck in work that i started to get hate and sickening (excuses, excuses, and i think i have been infected from all your work bashing posts).

happy new year, and have a wonderful holiday! so at the end, did you manage to get nice early sleep in wed, thurs and fri? cheers.

It is funny that "Steve Jobs" was within the events of my life that you listed, as if i knew him personally... anyway, thanks for reading for the past year and for all the great drawings. No need to apologise for not drawing, as you have no obligation in doing so. Hope your work situation will get better in the new year.

P/S. yes, i did get to bed by mid-night for Wed, Thurs and Fri. Unfortunately, as you can see, it was back to late night again tonight. Oh well, it's New Year so let's make it an exception. ;)

Share your cogitation

Tuesday, December 27, 2011 @ 4:33 am: Fremont Street Experience
Sunday, December 25, 2011 @ 4:02 am: Season's Greetings
Thursday, December 22, 2011 @ 1:50 am: The last bondage
Thursday, December 22, 2011 @ 1:24 am: In KL
Saturday, December 17, 2011 @ 2:41 am: Fatigue
Monday, December 12, 2011 @ 4:34 am: A packed weekend
Friday, December 09, 2011 @ 4:53 am: My theme song 126
Friday, December 09, 2011 @ 4:51 am: Melancholy
Wednesday, December 07, 2011 @ 3:54 am: English
Monday, December 05, 2011 @ 9:12 pm: My theme song 125