Went to bed at 12am (this is considered earlier than usual already) and did not have problem falling asleep. But then, at around 3am+, i woke up because of a bad dream. It was bad sleeping quality after that.
I dreamt of YY. I can't remember the exact story in the dream, but it was something about him with another woman. In the dream, i was weeping sadly. I cried and cried and cried until i woke up finding myself lying in bed, my heart aching in agony.
This was not the first time that i had dreams like this. Everytime in the dream, it was always about YY being with another woman, and i would weep in deep sorrow. Then everytime i would wake up in grief and felt low-spirited for the entire day.
And there was one different dream that i had almost a year ago but i could remember vividly till today. In the dream, YY and i had agreed to meet up somewhere for a chat at a restaurant. I arrived at the meet-up place but went around the building many times, unable to find the exact restaurant. I called him up and asked him where he was, and he was also doing the same, going around the building in search of the exact place. He and i were at the same building at the same time, going 'round and 'round but we just could not find each other.
Then i woke up feeling really lousy. The dream was like a portrayal of our relationship - even though we are so near, we would never find each other anymore; our paths will not cross again.
I wasn't finding excuses when i mentioned before that i may be subconsciously deprived myself of sleep. When i am awake, i may be able to suppress my feelings and thoughts, but the monster simply can't be contained in dreams.
I know i still miss him, for i still hear the voice in my heart calling "bei" sometimes; or perhaps what i really miss isn't him but all the happy years we spent together. Whichever it is, i am not sure.
What i am sure though is that i am unwell; there is still something not right with me in my heart and in my mind. Intentionally not seeing it does not mean that it is not there; hiding it away does not mean that it will just go away by itself.
I know i gotta do something about it; i just gotta figure out how.
Labels: love
