Uh huh, the HDB could finally be put up for sale, as the lock-down period of the bank loan had ended at end Oct. The selling process can finally commence now.
Felt very down after the meet-up and cried for a while after reached "home".
Besides some of the things that YY did that had upset me, the main reason is the irony of the situation.
Just slightly more than two years ago, YY and i met up with the same agent to discuss about buying a home. At that time, our hearts were filled with joy and hope for a happy future together. We were looking forward to having a place that belongs to us, a place that manifests our love, a place that we call home.
Now, two of us were meeting the exact same person, but we are selling away a house and there is no happiness but sorrow; we are not in anticipation of a future but marking an end; it is no longer a home but just a piece of property that we jointly own.
There is no word to aptly describe the kind of feeling that i have; you know, the feeling that you thought a story was to start with "once upon a time" and end with "happily ever after", but only to find out that it has never meant to be a fairy tale and you were never meant to live like a princess and to be loved and protected by a prince charming forever and ever. It is the feeling of being struck hard by reality, waking you up to the cold harsh truth that you were born alone, you will live your life alone, and you will probably die alone too.
I am totally flabbergasted, not knowing what to think and how to react to such transience of life. I only know my heart is filled with grief, and i could not confide in anyone because i do not have anyone to talk to. So all i could do is to write write write here, even though sometimes i don't really know what i'm blabbering about.
And i know the loneliness and helplessness get to me. I'm alerting myself not to be overcome by this sense of desolation.
I noticed that recently i've been bugging a few of my colleagues with some of my personal stuff. When i was hesitating which phone to buy, i sms-ed the two IT guys in my department and asked for their opinions. When i bought my new phone, i do not know who to share the excitement with and so i sms-ed little bro in KL. When i wanna gossip about something, i msn-ed the colleague who knew about my blog. When i wanna rant about some of my work, i complained to ex-little boss...
Then i realised something is not right. It is especially inconsiderate for me to sms the married guys in the evening to ask for opinion on non-work related stuff. I told myself i gotta get used to being alone; i gotta get used to not having anyone to share anything with; i gotta get used to making my own decision and doing things alone.
Life has changed, and it may very well continue changing. Perhaps i'm not changing fast enough to cope with the changes in life and that's why i'm not thinking right, acting right, or feeling right.
I need a breakthrough.
Labels: introspection, love
