I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Friday, November 12, 2010

Random (melancholy) thoughts

Met up with my property agent friend and YY after work to discuss about the sale of our HDB.

Uh huh, the HDB could finally be put up for sale, as the lock-down period of the bank loan had ended at end Oct. The selling process can finally commence now.

Felt very down after the meet-up and cried for a while after reached "home".

Besides some of the things that YY did that had upset me, the main reason is the irony of the situation.

Just slightly more than two years ago, YY and i met up with the same agent to discuss about buying a home. At that time, our hearts were filled with joy and hope for a happy future together. We were looking forward to having a place that belongs to us, a place that manifests our love, a place that we call home.

Now, two of us were meeting the exact same person, but we are selling away a house and there is no happiness but sorrow; we are not in anticipation of a future but marking an end; it is no longer a home but just a piece of property that we jointly own.

There is no word to aptly describe the kind of feeling that i have; you know, the feeling that you thought a story was to start with "once upon a time" and end with "happily ever after", but only to find out that it has never meant to be a fairy tale and you were never meant to live like a princess and to be loved and protected by a prince charming forever and ever. It is the feeling of being struck hard by reality, waking you up to the cold harsh truth that you were born alone, you will live your life alone, and you will probably die alone too.

I am totally flabbergasted, not knowing what to think and how to react to such transience of life. I only know my heart is filled with grief, and i could not confide in anyone because i do not have anyone to talk to. So all i could do is to write write write here, even though sometimes i don't really know what i'm blabbering about.

And i know the loneliness and helplessness get to me. I'm alerting myself not to be overcome by this sense of desolation.

I noticed that recently i've been bugging a few of my colleagues with some of my personal stuff. When i was hesitating which phone to buy, i sms-ed the two IT guys in my department and asked for their opinions. When i bought my new phone, i do not know who to share the excitement with and so i sms-ed little bro in KL. When i wanna gossip about something, i msn-ed the colleague who knew about my blog. When i wanna rant about some of my work, i complained to ex-little boss...

Then i realised something is not right. It is especially inconsiderate for me to sms the married guys in the evening to ask for opinion on non-work related stuff. I told myself i gotta get used to being alone; i gotta get used to not having anyone to share anything with; i gotta get used to making my own decision and doing things alone.

Life has changed, and it may very well continue changing. Perhaps i'm not changing fast enough to cope with the changes in life and that's why i'm not thinking right, acting right, or feeling right.

I need a breakthrough.

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Friend, ur thinking is something not right. NO, it's very wrong.
what do u means by u should get used to not having anyone to share anything with, and get used to making own decision & doing thing alone????????
Actually it's not this statement itself is wrong. b'cos to everbody no matter who u had discuss with, in the end the decision is still made by urself, not anybody else. Anybody beside urself can only give suggestion, not making decision for u. This is NOT b'cos of u don't have partner for life now, then u r making decision all by urself!
I can understand why u say this, but din u think sometimes u r making urself too miserable?
that's not wrong of getting opinion from friends, colleagues. Furthermore, u r not bothering them everyday, every hours, it's absolutely correct for us to seek opinion from somebody who we think they should have some knowledge to help us, and I think they are happy to same with u too. Of course u wouldn't come to ask me which hp or IT tools to get, since I'm a layman. and I wouldn't call u up to ask for financial consultantation & etc.
If I'm having this same thinking like u, then I should be more anti-social & hide myself in my own cage long long time ago lor!
Friend, I hope u r only grumbling. After that still continue to asking right person for their opinion. B'cos I'm going to do continue to bother u too. So let make used of each others instead of get used to alone. :p

sigh, like your friend Sui had said, it's not good (and unhealthy too) to perceive yourself being alone and "encourage" yourself so. what about your 6 best friends that you are proud striding with that i'm so envious(yes, i'm very jealous coz i don't have that many :| ). So, you shouldn't let them down on you. See how one of your friend just invited you to bug her instead if you feel lonely.

Depending how you look at it, it's not really inappropriate to sms to ask opinion from someone who well-versed on gadgets when you are noob on them. nobody knows everything and be able to accomplish all the things ALONE, certainly you need help in areas you are not acquainted and they need yours too vice versa. Plus, from the way you described they treat and pamper you, i don't think they would find you bugging. Some people just enjoy and honoured to offer advice and there's pride and dignity in it. Moreover if the intended person is a nice good friend and colleague like you! Maybe i'm not them hence i could have exaggerated, but i don't think my description (and imagination) would be far off :p. To put another way, they might also enjoy having you to instill liveliness your chat topics, gossips, sms, jokes, comical gestures, sarcasm, attention seeking. without you, they probably super stress and bored. you are not only articulate but also cute, right? And who doesn't like cute person? So, please STOP being pessimist! you are not nobody, you are 彬彬.

it's good to become independent but don't to the "extreme" that you'd lose your true self. but importantly, you should learn not to shed tears over something wicked done to you and that it's even not your fault. you gonna learn to be STRONG, princess. don't let the wicked step over you. even in fairy tale the good protagonist always wins and what makes different in this tale is you have the freehand to dictate the course yourself. don't let your readers read "at the end, the good cute princess lives in desolation because she's so sick with life". awggghhh, i don't want this ...... and yeah, stop crying and you could do LASIK and become independent from glasses! and princess should not wear glasses, right?

:( - i might overly exert here, naive, hypocritical, nonsensical, impractical and uninvited, but just to let you know that you are certainly not alone. And your loneliness could have been contributed by your lingering in midnights. So, sleep early, start afresh in tomorrow morning as pleasant positive gal and enjoy the weekend with your closest friends. Hey, you don't need to share your excitement of your new xperia only with your little bro, you could have sent out the lines in your blog, twitter, or FB status and see how many would respond to it - sms roaming is $$$ from kl to sg anyway and you have to consider for your little bro too. kidding!

^_^ - oh, speaking of disturbing and being inconsiderate, i think i'm far worse when i walk around to nag my colleagues while waiting the program compilation to complete, and i can sense my colleagues busy at their work sometimes really cannot tahan me. and there's one occasion that i "shamelessly" told the caller from other department that "i'm not in" (then when she's about to hang up, i said hey, don't hang up, i just kidding). well, i might be immature, intolerant to some, and if you are my boss i think you will strangle me already... aha. what i'm trying to point though you might think yourself inconsiderate, selfish, irritating, but that's all your perception and it might not true for your colleagues! okay, i gave bad examples, but you should stop put blame everything on yourself.

Stay strong 彬彬, 加油. Yes, life has changed, many things indeed have changed but 彬彬 will overcome them. cheers. -HY-

Sui is always so right when she gives "lecture". keke. I agreed with her point. Therefore I always disturbed you all by sending emails to nag about work. :) ym.

Min, is that a compliment?
Nevermind I take it as a "yes" :p
So let's continue to "disturbing" each others, don't care it's on blog, FB, sms, e-mail, call & etc.
Aren't I always said : 好朋友是拿来互相利用的.
when u share your happiness with your friend, the happiness is doubled. when you share your sorrow with your friend, the sorrow is being halved.
Please remember this.

I will be very welcome to receive any of your disturbing. Everyday also ok. Oh maybe i should say please disturb me as often as you can. :) Siang

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and "lectures".

Yes, this was a post written when i was down. As you all know me, i got such mood swings every now and then, more often than i've hoped perhaps.

Anyway, with such great online and offline friends like you all, i know i'm very blessed. *感动的痛哭流涕*

Share your cogitation

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Thursday, November 04, 2010 @ 1:51 am: Christmas Bearista 2010
Wednesday, November 03, 2010 @ 8:41 pm: Coming attractions 2
Tuesday, November 02, 2010 @ 4:28 am: Coming attractions
Monday, November 01, 2010 @ 4:18 am: Work of perfection
Friday, October 29, 2010 @ 4:30 am: A Malay song
Friday, October 29, 2010 @ 4:17 am: Random updates and thoughts