I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Saturday, August 06, 2011

I am a sinner

Since I came to LA, I've been thinking that I made a mistake in choosing to stay at my brother's place instead of a hotel. There are a number of reasons why I think this way, but the most crucial of all is the part where I'd have to sin.

And seriously, my conscience is killing me.

I guess it isn't really right for me to say that "I'd have to sin", as it sounds like I didn't have a choice. The fact is that I do have a choice, as everyone does in everything we do. Yet, as much as I was reluctant, I chose to do it nonetheless.

I have done two things that I hated and feel so guilty about it.

Firstly, I helped my brother's landlady to buy two cartons of duty-free cigarettes from Changi Airport and brought over to LA for her.

Ok, before you say this is not a big deal, do know that I hate smoking. I cannot stand people smoking; I am of the opinion that smoking is a bad habit and it is as good as spending money in gradually killing yourself. So, by helping my brother's landlady in buying cigarettes, I'm actually condoning a behaviour that I abhor.

I had actually contemplated not buying for her when I was at the airport, but my mom wanted to get it because she was worried that the landlady would be unhappy and then it would make my brother's life difficult. I didn't want my mom to be worried and so I relented.

Now whenever I am at the kitchen chatting with the landlady while she is taking a puff, and seeing that she is actually coughing and having sore throat for weeks already, I hear a voice telling myself that I should not have brought the cigarettes for her.

Secondly, which is the one that really makes me feel very guilty, is that I have to tell lies to my brother's landlady and her boy friend (who stays with her here) so that my story would match up with what my brother had told her.

I am not gonna divulge much here about what lies he had told in the first place. Basically, if I were to tell the truth, I'm not sure how the landlady would react. My brother may be in trouble, and I do not wanna create any troubles for him, which will in turn upset my mom.

Yet, the thing about lying is that most of the times, you gotta tell other lies to cover up one simple lie. And to make the matter worse, I do not know what my brother had told them in the entirety, and hence the more they poke, the more there will be loopholes in the stories.

Furthermore, the landlady and her boyfriend have been very friendly, truthful, hospitable and helpful to mom and me. They chatted with me like friends and told me about their families. The more they treat us well, the worse I feel about being not truthful with them. I could have made some friends in this trip but it is not gonna happen; I won't be able to add them to my FB or keep in touch if they request for it (and I hope they won't).

You see, just as any relationships, the foundation of friendship is truthfulness, sincerity and trust. From the very beginning, I haven't been truthful and I believe anyone would feel mad to be lied to. There is no way that they will take me as friends if they are aware of the truth and how I had lied to them.

And the worst of all is that through lying, I'm committing sins. I know God will not want His children to lie, and yet I still do it knowingly simply because I do not want to make my mom unhappy and make troubles for my brother. In a way, I've chosen humans over God.

For non believers, all these may not seem to be such a great deal, but my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ would understand how terrible I am feeling about all these. Now I'm not even sure if I'm worthy of asking for God's forgiveness when I'll still be lying while I'm still here. :(


sorry to read that your great anticipated trip had turned out to be one that carries guilt. don't be so hard on yourself. as your "about me" says - nobody is perfect. not that i'm discouraging you from becoming "perfect" pinpin, or encourage to use the phrase as excuse to justify misdeed, sometimes circumstance puts forth such that difficult decision has to be made and it might affect badly to some people but the gravity of it is not worse to the other. the choice you've made might not be the best for others (and in their thinking too), but i trust when you made that, it was best in your opinion at that moment (time factor too) after weighing all the downsides and selflessly considering for others. i believe you're not the type of person who decides solely for her own selfish gain and implicating other people. you abetted to be "sinner", but you did that because you love your mom and your bro and you place them higher than you. it's a choice, but it is one self-sacrifice choice (sigh, how many of us have done that too for being filial piety or behalf the loved ones..). not to say to lessen the guilt, and might be also not effective, i wonder if you could try to persuade the landlady to give up smoking , as what you have pointed out - smoking is a bad habit and it is as good as spending money in gradually killing yourself. of course, you should not adopt the way your brother advised you to give up starbucks....

hopefully the fun from your visits and the reunion with your brother (happy moment) shaded off the unhappy events in your trip. oh, aren't you supposed to have gathering with your old school friends when you come back from your trip at your old school? stay cheerful, gal and be positive! cheers.

Share your cogitation

Saturday, August 06, 2011 @ 3:25 pm: Foot
Tuesday, August 02, 2011 @ 7:53 pm: At Hollywood
Saturday, July 30, 2011 @ 7:33 pm: Pissed
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 5:31 pm: Transit at KLIA
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 3:25 am: All set to go
Tuesday, July 26, 2011 @ 1:09 pm: More lousy services
Tuesday, July 26, 2011 @ 5:24 am: Horrendous customer service
Tuesday, July 26, 2011 @ 3:56 am: Obstacles
Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 3:57 am: Diagnosis of my sprain
Saturday, July 23, 2011 @ 4:55 am: Update on the sprain