I remember that when i was in Primary 2 or 3, there was this guy with down syndrome working at the canteen. You know, kids being kids, everyone was either afraid of him (because we were too young to understand his "strange" behaviours), or did not like to get close to him.
Then there was once i bought some food and sat at the canteen with my friends. This guy came over and sat at our table, right beside me. The other kids then all left the table and sat at another place, but i stayed and forced myself to finish up the food before leaving. Actually in my heart, i was scared and wanted to leave too, but i thought of how he would feel if i did that. I did not want to hurt his feelings even though i was feeling very uneasy myself. That was the most miserable time i had eating at that canteen and i never forget this incident.
When i grew older and look back, i realised that i am a person who is very afraid of hurting other people. In fact, it is obvious in my job now too, as i could never bring myself in saying harsh words to my subordinates even when they made serious mistakes or not performing well.
Yet, i am not a saint. I have flaws, just like any other human beings, if not more. As much as i want to be kind to everyone, all the time, i don't always manage to do it. Human weaknesses get the best of me sometimes. I have fear and emotions; especially when i am provoked or get angry, i will get into a defensive or even aggressive mode, and would not think about whether or not my actions would hurt the others. And then later on, afer my emotions have subsided, i feel remorseful.
So you see, i am not really a kind person in nature. A person who is truly kind will be kind to everyone at all times, just like Jesus. I think for me, it is more of social conditioning that makes me a kind person most of the time, but not all the time. After all, didn't people always say that our true nature will surface under great emotions or pressure? I can be nasty and i even have evil thoughts when i am angry. Perhaps that is my real nature.
The memories of the hurting words that i said to YY haunt me sometimes, and i feel awful to think of what i had said to him during that time, knowing that some words could hurt him, just because i was hurt and i wanted to get back at him. I've never believed in hurting the person who hurt you, but the human survival instinct would impel me doing otherwise.
The same with if we have to hurt others to protect our self interest, i would still choose to do so. I do not feel good about it, but i will still do so... and then feel bad about it afterwards.
I believe that true kindness is not something we intentionally do to get something in return, such as donating to charity in exchange of fame or good karma. Real kindness comes out of the heart, with the genuine concerns for another and putting others before ourselves. It is not so much of the things that we find time to do or express, but it is manifested in our everyday behaviours and daily lives.
Kindness is a virtue that i would hope to grow in me, and i think i still have a long way to go.
Labels: introspection
