Situation at work remains gloomy. Patience is the key now. Nothing beats maintaining a hopeful mind, just like a quote from my favourite movie The Shawshank Redemption: "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." While i'm here being troubled by the trifling matters in my life, there are people around the globe agonized by the disaster of Hurricane Katrina. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.
Here are another two old screeds that i found during the room cleaning. I didn't realize i was that depressed at that time (around year 1999 to 2000)...
Previously:
I'm getting bored with life. Yes, nothing seems to interest me anymore, not even love. I really dunno why, but things seem to be getting out of hand. I can sense that i'm getting suicidal each day, and that death doesn't scare me anymore, but the thought of it does worry me.Now:
I'm really surprised when someone actually told me that she can see the sadness and loneliness right on my face. Is it that apparent already?
I can't find meaning out of my life. I dunno what is the point of mere existing in this world. Once i heard or saw a phrase which goes something like this, "there is a difference between living and mere existing." Guess it's so very true. I can't really remember when was the last time that i've really lived!
Get a grip on yourself, everyone said to me. There is no one really, only myself to talk to. Mom couldn't care less. I think on her part, as long as there's income, whatever we do doesn't matter anymore. Money is the priority. Friends? Ya, i got lots of friends, but when it comes to personal problems, who really has the time to give a damn about you? Furthermore, everyone has his/her own life and own problems. Why should anyone care for you at all? Then, there's my beloved boyfriend. Used to tell him all my problems... and then he said i was being selfish of pouring all my unhappiness to him while ignoring his problems. Who am i left with? No one.
Over the years, i've realized that there had always been people who truly care about me. They were there all the while, just by my side, but perhaps i was so engulfed by my imaginary woes that i've taken them for granted all the time. I've learnt that my mom does care about my happiness. I've realized that my friends will always be there for me no matter what i'm going through. I've found a person who loves me for who i am, for all my good and bad. I've understood that i should be thankful for how blessed i am with all the love around me.
Previously:
I guess this is it... i'm cracking up...Now:
Life is nothing i thought it would be. Whatever we learned in school turned out to be nothing but a big white lie. What is education? I wonder. It is where children are taught of all the lies about the world so that they have this illusion of life being a bed of roses; so that they can build up dreams to be shattered into pieces in real life.
I looked at the people around me and i wondered again -- have they ever stopped and thought about where they are going, what they want for life and how to achieve it? Have they ever, even in a split of a second, wondered what is the meaning of life and what is the purpose being part of this humankind? We spend each day doing the same old things -- sleep, eat, work, shit... that is what makes the world goes round i guess. Purpose of life? Well, just have a good education, get a good job, find a good husband, bear a couple of kids, and you are about there already. But what is the purpose of all these? Whoever gives us that notion that the sole purpose for women being in this world is to get married and rear children? Why is every woman who refuses to do so has to be called nasty names and be an outcast in the end?
Everyone lives their lives so matter-of-factly that i really began to believe that i am not a sane person. "You think too much", they told me. Do i? Maybe i'll be a happier person if i can erase all these question marks in my mind, and just go with the flow -- just live a life like everyone else, just don't think that i'm any different from anyone else, just be content. Be content? Be content with a dead-end job which doesn't give prospect, nor promises any fortune, but pays for your food, shelter, transportation... all your basic survival. So in the end, it all boils down to keeping oneself alive -- merely being alive but not necessarily living a life.
I know darn well that everyone needs a direction in life so that we will know where to go, so that we will have a purpose in life. I desperately need to figure out what i want for life. I'm just like a person driving along a highway, whooshing by without knowing where i'm heading to. Maybe that is why i'm so depressed... what do i really want for life? I've asked myself this question umpteen times but all to no avail. I really don't know...
Lately, i get into the workplace everyday doing nothing -- as usual -- and not feeling a thing. A few months back, this kind of situation would frustrate me so much so that i would simply blew my top; but now, i can just live everyday like this over and over again, without feeling even the slightest frustration. This struck me hard yesterday: i'm also living my life so matter-of-factly! I'm losing the hope and sparks in life that i've given it all up; i've stopped the questioning, or rather, dare not to question anymore. I've accepted the fact that this life of mine is gonna be wasted and there is nothing i can do about it but accept the reality. I've changed into a person i was not and i loathed so much. I'm so scared... I'm losing myself bit by bit. Without the hope and passion for life i used to have, i'll become nothing. What should i do? I'm so very afraid of what i'm becoming into...
Till this day, i still don't know what i want for life. Yes, 30 years of age yet i'm still searching for a direction in life. I wonder when will i find it, or will i ever find it at all? Some people know what they want for life since young and spend their whole lives working towards their goals, while some don't know or can't be bothered and just live their lives as they are, one day at a time. Perhaps i'm the latter. Perhaps i'm neither. Whatever it is, i've come to terms with myself. I still feel apprehensive sometimes about my aimlessness but this feeling doesn't deter me from living my life happily. On my deathbed, I may look back and see that i've lived without a purpose and i've achieved nothing great, but let the inscription on my tombstone be: "she was loved, happy and blessed, and for that, she left with a smile".
Reading all these screeds reminded me of an old verse written by one of the Chinese Emperors of the Tang Dynasty, 李后主 ("Li Hou Zhu"):
This verse basically says that being young and ignorant, we would be troubled by insignificant things. When we've grown older and gone through many hardships, we would then know how to be positive about the things around us.
Well, even an emperor of more than a millennium ago had experienced growing pains, so i wasn't alone. Everyone has probably been confronted with dismal situation at some point in life. I believe what's important is not how we eschew the quandary in life, but how we embrace it with hope and overcome it with courage.
Now, whenever i'm faced with difficulties in life, i would tell myself this:
Simply, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and we will always come out a better person.
I hope i'm doing just that -- becoming a stronger and better being.
Labels: introspection
