Cogito ergo scribo

The other day i forced 贝 to put a final stop with that woman by calling her in front of me. After more than an hour of tug-of-war, he finally gave in and did it reluctantly. So i thought the things about that woman has finally come to an end, and we could move on now.

Yet, thing is never that smooth. Just as it seems to turn around, it turned back a bit again.

I have actually expected this because the whole episode has been going back and forth many times, so i don't really feel much disappointment anymore. I guess a person can only be disappointed that many times before she realises that the only way to avoid great disappointment is not to hold on to high hope.

I have already written too many posts on this blog and too many emails to him about what i expected to see. In fact, not only me; even some of my friends stepped in, hoping to give him some harsh advice from an outsider's point of view. Is he getting any of those? I seriously do not know.

And i guess what i should tell myself is that i should not even expect anything from him. If he can finally do whatever that i hope he can do, then it's a bonus. If not, it's something out of my control; i've done all i can and there is nothing further i can do anymore.

Putting aside the point that i am hoping him to show his sincerity and eagerness as a way to make amends, one simple example is that 贝 couldn't stop speaking or use sentence structure that is of China Mandarin, despite me telling him many times and listed it as one of the criteria that he has to fulfill when we get back together again.

He isn't doing it intentionally. The problem is that now he can't even distinguish the difference, and can't tell what is China Mandarin and what is local Mandarin.The time he spent talking to that woman and the feelings he had for her had somehow deep rooted that accent into him. For anyone who is empathetic enough, how much this frustrates me is not hard to understand.

I want to move on, yet everytime i hear him speaking in this way, it reminds me of her; it reminds me of how close they were that could leave such long lasting effect; it is as if she is laughing in my face, saying to me that, "so what if you husband chooses to leave me? I will forever have this shadow on him and constantly remind you of how he had once betrayed you and cared for me more than you. Hahaha...."

But then, empathy is never 贝's forte. I had tried in different occasions in different situations to ask him to put himself in my shoe, to reverse the roles and think about what if it is me who is doing this to him. The answer from him is always, "i'm ok with it".

For those who do not understand what are the differences between China and local Mandarin, here are some examples. For instance, he would say, "是吗？有吗？这也有错吗？你又怎么了？" But for Chinese in Singapore and Malaysia, we would say, "是咩？有咩？酱有错咩？你又做么？"

When i pointed out these sentences and told him not to do it, he said it is not China Mandarin. He also asked me if there is any wrong in speaking proper Mandarin, since our local Mandarin is actually incorrect.

Of course there isn't anything wrong with wanting to speak good Mandarin, BUT he has never wanted to learn to speak proper Mandarin until he started with that China woman!

He came from northern Malaysia that predominantly speak Hokkien. When he first came here, he still had this northern Malaysian accent when he spoke Mandarin. Then over the years, he slowly picked up our way of speaking, which is akin to people of JB.

Then starting from February, i noticed his accent slowly turning into China Mandarin. That was also how i got suspicious, for a person would only get this if he comes in close contact with a particular person who speaks in this way. Not only that, he also started actively searching for and downloading China movies from the Web, which previously he hardly did so; he used to download English or HK movies/shows only, and when it came to China production, he only downloaded badminton games or documentaries.

Yes, he has always like anything China very much. He read books of China history and drink Chinese tea. But speaking with China accent and actively watching China movies are not something he had done over the past 8 years until recently. He said he also has colleagues from China whom he speak to often, and hence there's where he pick up the accent. To me, it's just an excuse. After all, it's not as if he just started working in this company. He has known that colleague for quite a while already, and he does not really speak to him as frequently as other Singaporeans and Malaysians. It is very obvious that all these are the leftover effect of her on him, which is painful to see.

I won't stop him from drinking Chinese tea or reading the books of China history because those are things he had liked all along. Yet, all these new interests and liking were developed AFTER he started the affair with her. So for people who may think that this is trivial, try putting yourself in my shoes and you would be able to imagine how hurtful that is.

I want to move on, but situations are pulling me back. This behaviour of his, or in fact, many other behaviours, are also pulling me back. Do i have to make myself accept all these again? Do i always have to be the one who give in, give in, and give in again, no matter how painful it is to me?

I am so tired, totally drained of energy. Maybe it is time for me to take a break from trying so hard in making this work; it is time for me to put the limited energy i am left with on making myself get better and feel better.

Labels: opinion, rant