I'm not an expert on the topic of arguing and definitely not qualified to write about it too. After all, i'm not in sales or politics or the media, so verbal sparring is not my forte. I did, however, observe that we have the tendency to counterattack rather than to debate. I think i do it all the time too, whenever emotions run high. Perhaps this has something to do with the human nature of being vengeful, but hey, again, i'm not a psychologist so who am i to tell.
Just to illustrate the point, this is how kids squabble:
Scenario#1... and the episode may just continue on until it ends with a fight or something.
Kid#1 : Your daddy drives a Kancil and my daddy drives a Toyota. Eeeee, your daddy lousy one.
Kid#2 : What?! YOUR daddy is lousy one! My daddy got hair and your daddy botak. Your daddy auta one.
Kid#1 : Hem, what my daddy auta? Your mommy so fat like pig ah!
Kid#2 : You, you, you.... my mommy like pig then your mommy is big fat smelly pig!
Kid#1 : Grrrr.... your whole family is like pig!
Kid#2 : YOUR family is like stupid pig!
Kid#1 : $%@~#*& !
Kid#2 : $%@~#*& $%@~#*& !!!
Of course, the kids can squabble in a more extreme way too:
Scenario#2... ok, this could go on and on and on, but i doubt kids would squabble like that (hope not!).
Kid#1 : Your daddy drives a Kancil and my daddy drives a Toyota. Eeeee, your daddy lousy one.
Kid#2 : What?! F*ck you and your daddy!
Kid#1 : Hem, f*ck you and your daddy and your mommy!
Kid#2 : Grrrr... f*ck you and your daddy and your mommy and your dog and your cat!
Kid#1 : $%@~#*& !
Kid#2 : $%@~#*& $%@~#*& !!!
Imagine the kids argue in this manner instead:
Scenario#3... well, i'm not sure how this conversation will continue or end because i really doubt children will talk in such way. You know, kids being kids and all.
Kid#1 : Your daddy drives a Kancil and my daddy drives a Toyota. Eeeee, your daddy lousy one.
Kid#2 : No lah, my daddy not lousy. My daddy wants to spend more money on the house and not on car mah! We got big and beautiful house you know.
Kid#1 : Hem, so what? Your mommy so fat like pig ah!
Kid#2 : Ya, my mommy a bit fat but not like pig lah! My mommy likes to cook and eat but no exercise one, just like Ah Meng's mommy, so a bit fat fat like that loh! Really leh, my mommy cooks very well. Next time you come to my house lah. I show you my big fish tank and ask my mommy to make nice fruit cakes for you.
Kid#1 : Don't want! Your whole family is so fat like pig. Later i eat your mommy's food and i become like pig too.
Kid#2 : Don't say we are like pigs lah! My sister and i not fat what... fat also not mean look like pig mah...
We may think that as adults, we argue in a more sensible way. The fact is that how we argue doesn't really develop much with age. It's rather common to see that whenever someone passes a nasty remarks about us or something/someone we love, we will retort with equally nasty remarks, if not more so. Sometimes we may even resort to name-calling or malign acts such as sending hate mails, spreading malicious rumours, or giving death threat.
Those who had participated in debate competition back in school would know that to establish convincing arguements is an art in itself. The competition is not judged based on how loud or famous the debaters are, or how many supporters a team has in the audience, or how many nasty names the debaters can come up with, or how many times the word "f*ck" can be said within the stipulated time. The team that can give the most convincing arguements and to present it in the most logical and persuasive way will be the winner. Not everyone in the panel of judges or in the audience is entirely convinced of the proposition of the winning team, but as long as they are made to recognize the other point of view and to agree on the differences, the team would have won the battle.
Perhaps what we often fail to realize is that it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to change a person's opinion about something or someone. We always try very hard to persuade the other party to think like us, to accept our opinions as theirs, to endorse our point of views, because in our minds, we are always right and can never be wrong. But is it really? Is there always only one way to look at things? Is there always just one right and one wrong, and can't be both or neither?
I think agreeing to disagree is the key. Agreeing to one's opinion doesn't necessarily mean accepting it. We agree to the opposite views, recognize the truths and untruths, and counter-argue with reasons and evidence. The main thing is about invalidating an untrue statement rather than counterattack with unrelated assertion against the other party.
Just like the squabble illustrated in Scenario#1 above, attacking Kid#1 as having a bald father doesn't really invalidate his statement of Kid#2's father being lousy (for driving a Kancil instead of a Toyota). However, as in Scenario#3, by reasoning that driving a Kancil is not because the father is lousy (or poor), but due to his priority of house over car, Kid#2 would have effectively rebutted the criticism on his father.
Similarly, when insulted, instead of calling Kid#1's mother as a worse form of pig, Kid#2 can just agree that his mother is indeed fat, but not to the extent of looking like a pig and highlights the reasons for his mother for being fat and the good points about his mother that should be appreciated.
There are other points about arguing as illustrated in the scenarios. Whoever reads this can think about it and i won't elaborate further.
Of course, all these are so much easier said than done. When we are pissed, who gives a shit about the art of arguing?! Yes, it feels darn good to just counterattack and swear at the other party. So if Scenario#2, however non-constructive it may be, is what makes you feel good, then go ahead to curse your heart out. After all, as long as you find joy in doing so, who am i to say anything?!
Labels: blogging
