I know everyone keeps telling me to look forward and not back, but it's really not easy.
I miss 贝 very very very much, the 贝 who had passed away. Till this day, i still find it hard to accept his death. There is no word to describe the pain that i am going through. It is excruciating to the extent that i wish to myself every night that, please let me sleep and forever not wake up anymore.
I can never understand how 贝 can just died like that. He will never know that i am the person who loves him the most in this world. He will never ever come across anyone who loves him as much as i do. Yet, i never had a chance to make him understand that and he just died on me.
I really do not know how to cope with the sudden death of a loved one. I didn't feel as much pain even when my dad passed away when i was young, but 贝's passing was as if he took away a part of my life and left me an empty shell with only half a soul.
It is hurting inside of me, so deeply that sometimes i felt as if i could not breath, or i'd cry until i threw up. I continue to get thinner each day with loss of appetite, and could hardly sleep at all. And my work... oh my work. I failed to deliver the task assigned to me on time, and asked for postponement from my boss. Yet, i still couldn't start working on it at all when it's due next Monday.
I hate myself for everything, for the pain i've caused to those around me. Mom cried for days and couldn't sleep as well. I felt that as a daughter, i've done the worst thing to my mom. All my aunts are worried sick about me, but i don't feel like talking to them at all and shun their phone calls. I felt i've let them all down.
And my friends, all my beloved friends... who had walked with me through this difficult time. They all cried for me when they got to know what i have and am going through. I kept asking myself what kind of friend am i, to give my friends all these unnecessary troubles when everyone has their own problems in life as well.
I wanted to seek refuge in God, but i feel bad for wanting Him only when i'm in distress. I felt ashamed to only think of Him when i needed Him. I felt that i have been a sinner too, and i do not know if i am worthy of His love.
Time will heal, everyone says. But how much time? I hope all these would just go away.
Labels: love
