Till this day, he still has no remorse and does not repent.
He repeatedly said to me and some other people that "she should not have moved out", and "she should not have told everyone about the affair".
He is finding all kinds of reasons to justify his own downfall. In his mind, it is never his fault; someone or something else had caused or indirectly pushed him into doing the indecent things that he did.
His such kind of rationale may be to lessen his guilt; or he simply couldn't face the fact that he is a man who is immature, irresponsible, indulge in lust and evil; or worse, he indeed does not feel there's anything wrong at all in what he did, for he may believe that he has the freedom to love anyone and do anything his heart tells him, whether married or not.
He never really did any self-examination. WHY WOULD I MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE? WHY DID I HAVE TO TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THE AFFAIR?
I did not move out immediately right after the affair came to light on 21-Mar. I told him to stop with that woman but he refused, insisting that all he needed was just time. Two months, he said, or even just one maybe.
Which wife in the world would actually agree to that? Me.
I loved YY so much that i couldn't bear to see him in misery. I also do not believe in forcing someone to love me by tying him down with marriage. I loved him so much that i wanted him to follow his heart, and he kept insisting that he did love me but just wanted more time.
So i agreed, but i couldn't stand watching my husband having an affair in front of my very eyes. I was having serious insomnia and broke down several times. If i did not move out, i might probably be institutionalised now.
If my husband had really loved me so much as he claimed, my departure should serve as a sharp warning to him. He would have missed me dearly, and the feeling would replace that for the other woman. He would spend all his energy and time in getting me back, instead of constantly fighting with me still, and took it as a chance to go all out and have all the fun he wanted.
Oh yes, just a few hours after i moved out, he called that woman to chat for almost an hour. He even told her that i had already moved out of the house, and previously he had been calling her from work or outside of the house, and then he started to have all the love talks from the comfort of OUR home. Seriously, that home was supposed to symbolise our eternal love, yet he had more memories of her (since he chatted with her all the time) than with me in that house.
So, was i wrong in moving out at all? Am i obliged to stay back and see all these with my own eyes? I had been with him day-in and day-out, and yet he still could find all the ways to develop feelings with another woman. If i had really stayed, would he actually stopped? Anyone who has half-a-brain would know that it wouldn't have matter anyway. Only him, who wants to put the blame to other people instead of himself, would keep harping on the point about my moving out. And seriously, even it did contribute to his eventual sexual acts (which it didn't), WHO WAS THE CULPRIT WHO HAD MADE ME MOVED OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE????
Then, at time of distress like this, when i even had bad flashes of me hurting myself and yet i couldn't tell my family about it, who should i talk to? I was staying out there alone, roughing it out while undergoing extreme distress. I need all the support from all my friends, because i ain't getting any from the one i wished the most, i.e. my dearest husband. He then felt that his ego was badly hurt by this, and used it as an excuse again to ease his guilt. Again, a display of total selfishness.
Well, if you are a person who wants face, then don't throw it away yourself in the first place. Where is the pride now to let everyone know that you committed adultery, betrayed and cheated on your good wife who had been through thick and thin with you for 8 long years, fell for a China woman who does erotic massage for men, and ended up separated and eventually divorced with the better woman? If you dare to do such things, then don't expect anyone to keep it a secret for you. For there's a saying in Chinese, "面子是别人给的，脸是自己丢的".
Other than finding excuses for himself, he was also concerned about money and attempted to take advantage of me. Again, a true manifestation of extreme selfishness and no remorse.
My housemate is a divorcee. Her husband also had an affair. When they divorced, the husband felt that he had done her wrong and gave in to whatever she asked for willingly. He told her that he had cheated her and hurt her, he could not return it with love anymore, so the best he could do was to compensate her in money.
Yet, my good husband, felt that it was necessary to calculate everything carefully with me, simply because he thinks that he needs money more than i do. For what? It could not be any clearer. I wonder if it had ever crossed his mind if that woman will be willing to pay for his everything should he be out of job? Would she be willing to pay for his meals everytime (for that was what i did when we dine out in SG, as our agreement was that i paid for the things in SG while he paid for that in Msia, simply because i earn more than he does.)?
It pains me to see all of his such behaviours. Furthermore, the more details i know about the affair, the more hurtful it is, yet the clearer i see what kind of evil man he had turned into. I am totally convinced that China woman is indeed a Satan. YY's evilness was tamed by me for 8 years, and he had been such a good man whom everyone thought he was. Then when he met the Satan, the evilness was released and he was destined for hell now.
I fear for him, really. When i was supposed to be concentrating on healing myself, i am still constantly worrying about the sins that he had and still is committing. Everyone around me reprimanded me for being too soft-hearted, but i told them that i would never want to see the person i loved deeply to suffer, when everyone (except the two sinners of course) is very sure that terrible retribution will befall them one day.
And when that day comes and if i am around to see it, i hope my heart would not ache for him anymore.
Labels: rant
