I lost it... lost my temper totally at 贝. I felt that my mind is slowly breaking down and my heart is slowly blaming him and felt extreme disappointment in him.
I think i blew it; i killed all the chances there may be, however slim they are, to reconcile our marriage.
Yes, i know that i have been flip-flopping on my thoughts and my decision.
Yes, i know that i'm having emotional roller coaster and this makes people around me suffer, especially 贝.
But then, any wife who encounters this will go through the same thing too. Of course, the husband can never understand it, just like we can't understand why the men can do such things to the wives.
I think i am pushing 贝 very far already, as he said he really doesn't know what else he can do and he can't take it anymore, as both our work are at very critical stage now and he has no one who could help him or listen to him at all, while i kept talking about the same thing again and again, kept bothering him with the same questions over and over again, and kept changing my mind which made him more stressful.
I know that he's in a very bad state now too, but i was angry that i was expected to be be the understanding wife and stay cool and calm, and i was mad that he doesn't understand how it felt like to be me, the one who is betrayed and hurt so deeply by a loved one. I felt furious that he doesn't understand i need constant reassurance and reinforcement from him that he does indeed love me forever, not only from words but from his actions, so that i could still hold on to the slim hope that our marriage can still work out. He said he had already done so and he doesn't know what more he can do, but i found it to be insufficient and he is not doing all that he can.
So i snapped back at him, asking him who was the one who had caused all these miseries between us, and told him outright that he is a very selfish person who only thinks of his own feelings, who only wants to gratify his own feelings of being happy and hence let himself just fell for that girl, simply because "i couldn't help it" and "no one can understand our feelings".
But then, wasn't i doing the same selfish thing myself? Wasn't i being selfish too to hope that he cares about my feelings while i ignore his? I know he felt terrible to have betrayed and hurt me; i know he is very hurt too to have everyone else crucifying him, her and their feelings; i know he has no one around to help him, unlike me who have friends around. But then, knowing all these means i have to control my tormented soul and still be rational and reasonable? I realise i have a weak mind too.
The thing now is that my irrational behaviours are making me the villain now in the "love triangle" drama. The two persons who met each other too late in life and fell in love were being separated by the crazy wife who kept pushing the husband up the wall. I know what i am doing will only make it harder for him to turn back, as it is natural for a person to psychological long for a person who gives him calm, encouragement and happiness, while stay away from the one who causes him pain, sufferings and troubles.
All these i know full well, yet i'm still doing it, somewhat akin to 贝 who knows full well what he's doing is wrong but he still did it and can't stop.
Everyone tells me not to think too much. Everyone has lots of good advice to give me. However, doing it is always the hardest part, and it takes great determination to do it, while i am just a weakling.
I'm afraid i can't do this anymore, or at least not when i still see him everyday in the house which is supposed to symbolise our love and marriage.
I am moving out, very soon, hopefully within a day or two. I do not know what the next course of action is; it may be to wait, or it may be to end it. I can't make a decision firmly or correctly now as i'm not in a clear state of mind. All i can think of is to get myself out of this misery first before both of us are destructed completely.
Labels: introspection, love
