I still couldn't stop crying. My mind cannot stop thinking about all the things that had happened. I think this is probably similar to what he told me about he couldn't help himself from doing the things he did, except that mine is worse because the more i think about it, the more i think myself into a deadend.
This affair was about to sprout back in January, when we were going to return to his hometown for the Chinese tea ceremony. At that time, our marriage still had this one last traditional ritual to make it complete, and i was busy making preparation for it. I'd shiver at the thought that even back then, when we have not even completed all the necessary things for our marriage yet, he was already subconsciously having a change of heart.
Then my heart will ache at the thought of how he betrayed our love and broke our vow; how he lied to me; how he cut through my heart and poured salt on it over and over again; how he secretly wondered in his heart that i was just one of the 20 thousands people who would suit him but simply happened to come by first into his life and that girl happened to come by later.
I think most wives/girlfriends who are in my situation would have the same hundreds of unanswerable questions in their heads -- Why did he do this to me? Why his love for me is so weak? Why he just can't be honest and open up his heart to me? How could he seeing me suffered and yet still continue to hurt me? Why he could cherish her so much than me when we have gone through so much and so many years together? What had i done wrong or not enough as a wife that had caused all these to happen? ... ...
But then, all these questions are pointless, as there is simply no answer. These are just like what the Chinese said about 钻牛角尖, and that is exactly what i am doing now. I know that if i continue like this, things will only get worse. I know it, yet i can't stop, probably just like him when he said he couldn't control himself. In a way, he started the journey to dim our love, but i am the one who is pulling the plug if i continue on thinking like this.
I'm going to see a counsellor. Uh huh, i can see that i am entering the stage of self-hatred. I hope some counselling will do me good. See, despite not able to stop the negative thinking, i am doing things to help myself to snap out of it. So perhaps there is still hope for me.... for us.
After all, there is no such thing as a miraculous cure. Only we can help ourselves and no one else, but the time and road to recovery is going to be long and rough.
A friend told me to constantly remind myself this:
Tough times never last, but tough people do
I am weak, but perhaps this is the time to make myself tough and come out a better person.
Labels: introspection, love
