The suspicion was proven true, and as much as i've prepared myself for it, it still hurt deeply -- so much so that it was like someone slicing off your heart bit-by-bit, leaving you blood dripping slowly and painfully.
That left me wondering how a person could possibly do anything hurtful or deceitful to the one he claims to love so deeply.
Suddenly, i realised the person i thought i've married to is no longer there. The person whom i've been with for 8 years and live with everyday is like someone foreign to me.
I thought this person loves me deeply. I thought he only has me in his heart and in his eyes. I thought i am his pillar of hope and strength. I thought only i can ever give him the urge to touch, to hug, to kiss and to make love with. I thought he cherishes me so much that he will never do anything that has the remotest possibility of hurting me. I thought his love for me is strong enough for him to withstand any temptation and to stop him from doing anything that could hurt us. I thought his love for me is eternal and we will still be holding hands strolling in the park when our hair has turned all grey.
What i thought was wrong. Very wrong.
Perhaps unbeknown to him is that all these things that i believed in him are the very things that carry me through my otherwise meaningless life. My dream is to grow old with him in love and happiness, and to achieve that, i'm working hard for our future no matter how stressful the job is.
Now the dream has been taken away from me, leaving me wondering what the point is for living through all this stress and agony.
He knew full well that what he is doing would hurt me deeply deeply deeply. But he couldn't stop.
He knew full well what is doing would break our relationship and kill our happiness. But he couldn't stop.
He saw me living in agony, crying myself to sleep and looking down and depressed everyday. But he couldn't stop.
Now everything is in the open, he sees how devastated i am, and even the ultimatum has been given. Yet he still couldn't stop.
And i also couldn't stop -- couldn't stop the excruciating heartache; couldn't stop my crying; couldn't stop the agony.
Not reaching the stage of physical adultery yet does not make it any less painful. To me, having the thought of it, and carrying out the act of moving towards it instead of stopping it, is as serious as already committed it.
"I just couldn't help myself", he said.
"I need someone to tell my heart what to do", he said.
No one can ever tell you or your heart what to do and how to do. The only way is to listen to your heart. Deep down inside, what is it that you really want? If you are sure of it, then you will be able to stop it. Otherwise, you have actually reached the stage of no return. Why still deny it?
On one hand, he said he still loves me; he said he can never live a life without me; he said he needs me in his life and he'd have nothing else if he loses me.
On the other, he can't stop his heart and mind from thinking of another person, a person whom he only knew for a short few months and doesn't know anything about him, including that he is a married man.
Yes, never in a million years would i thought my 贝 would ever do that, to me and to another person. The shock, the realisation, the disillusion... are just killing me.
I am feeling i'm living in a daze now. Everything feels so untrue, as if this is just a horrible dream and i'm just waiting to wake up. Yet, this is reality, and it seems like it is the past 8 years that were but a dream.
To leave him will not ease my pain. I may just be forever trapped in this sadness.
To stay on and work it out is also painful. I may also be forever trapped in this unhappiness.
Yes, it seems like i am trapped. There is no way out in either choices.
There is the third choice that i do not even want to go near it. It is a choice that can never be mine, for choosing it will cause endless sorrow to the people who love me and whom i love. As much as i am in great suffering, i will never ever want to see my beloved ones to be in the same situation. This way of easing my pain will only inflict the pain unto these people. There is no way that i can do that, for i love them too much.
Thanks for loving me, really, for without which i would have gone the other way. It is the love from all of you who keep me clear in my head.
Now i must take all these love as the strength for me to carry on.
I need you all, please never give up on me no matter what happens.
Labels: introspection, love
