Have been thinking a lot, but my mind is still whirled with questions and doubts. I'm battling within myself -- where to go, what to do, how to carry on...
I am not too sure how this all started. The tremendous stress i'm getting from work must have contributed to the low level of tolerance. Then mom's run away incident added on to my worries, even though she seems fine now.
Lastly, it was my marriage and relationship with 贝. That is definitely the main factor. LF said to me on MSN the other day that 贝 is the foundation of my happiness, and my great distress must have something to do with our relationship.
On one hand, i'm glad that i have friends who understand me so well; on the other, i feel that i'm so pathetic as to build my happiness on one person.
Just the other day, i was thinking about how i have always scorned those silly women who do not have minds of their own, who always listen to their husbands, who would be happy as long as the husbands told them that they are still loved, or as long as the husbands still stay by their side. But these women are happy, while i am not. So now who's the pathetic one?
Suddenly, i found my own predicament to be so ludicrous. Yes, it was so laughable that i was laughing out loud, with the "ha ha ha ha ha....", and yet tears were rolling out of my eyes. I was actually crying.
I think i am probably sick, mentally. Will an insane person know that she is insane?
I hate all the negative feelings i have in me -- the sorrow, the jealousy, the mistrust, the insecurity, the apprehension... I want to lead a normal and healthy life. I don't want to have these feelings all the time, these feelings that squash happiness.
Yet, what i want i failed to do; what i do not want is occupying my thoughts. For a person who has always believed in the power of the minds, who always thinks that life is full of choices and we can make things happen if we put our minds to it, this is a striking irony that laughs right at my face.
I am but a weakling and hypocrite, worse than anyone i've ever known.
All my friends who read my blog are worried about me. I feel terrible about it. They wanted to talk, hoping to help me out. Yet i do not know what to say, really. For the first time in my life, for a person who has always been so articulate, i am at a loss for words.
I don't know how to put my feelings and emotions into words. No matter what i say, there is simply no word to accurately convey the feelings. I do not want to be misunderstood at a time like this, for that will make me feel even worse. I'd rather to stay away for now, think it through myself, than to struggle to make people understand my feelings, even though these are the people whom i hold closely to my heart.
Please allow me to be selfish this time. Please grant me the time i need, but still stay by me and never give up on me.
I will get well sooner or later. I promise.
Labels: introspection
