I have a brother who is two years older than me. Since young, he was obsessed with anything American. He loves the country, the movies, the people, the food, the books, the games... everything. He wanted to go there, to get marry to an American lady, to have beautiful mixed blood kids, to speak in American accent -- basically, to become an American.
So, after he went to the USA to further study, he has never stepped back to his home country again. And last i heard, he did have an angmo lady as his girlfriend.
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Then, there is another person, who is extremely interested in anything China. He is mesmerised by the Chinese ancient history. He loves the Mandarin spoken in Chinese accent. He drinks Chinese tea, reads books from Chinese publishers, watches movies made in China, frequents Chinese websites and forums, listens to songs sung by Chinese singers, and dreams of visiting China and even working and staying there. And of course, he isn't particularly impressed nor has any particular interest in Western things or countries.
So it is not at all surprising that this person would develop a liking in a Chinese girl. This girl, besides the personality that attracts him so much, speaks in a proper Chinese accent. She can tell him the things about China, show him the pictures, not from postcards or magazines, but of real China. She, having grown up in a country and culture so different from his, can tell him things that he has never thought about, share with him the ideas and knowledge that are novel and interesting.
All these freshness, in addition to the long-time obsession, kept him upbeat and excited. Every conversation with her, every meeting with her, and even every thought of her, is filled with endless happiness and surprises. He wants to know more, long to hear her voice, hope to know her even further. He even asks for pictures of her to be kept.
She is just like a breeze of fresh air to him, liberating his stressful, unhappy and dull life.
Somehow, the conversation gets longer as days go by. The calls and sms-es become more frequent. His mind begins to be filled with her, and he would take every chance he has to call her, or even meet with her. He even starts to feel the urge to have some physical contact with her.
Yet, to do this is not easy. He has to keep it a secret. He has to comes up with lies even.
Why? Because he knows very well that what he is doing is wrong; because he is aware that there will be dire consequences if this is made known; because simply, he is married.
As for the wife, she knows that there is no way that she can ever become like the girl. She is not an optimistic person by nature, and gets sentimental, stressed, upset and angry easily. She cannot, and will not change herself to be like that girl, for she believes that her husband should love her for the way she is, for better or worse. She knows deep down in her heart that this may cause her her marriage, for the lack of these qualities are the very things that attract her husband to the girl.
But then, what can she do? This is the way she is, being as truthful to herself as possible. The only thing that she has now is the shattered love that she can barely offer, squeezing out every ounce of it despite her heartache, hoping that the husband whom she loves can finally stop and turn back, truly and fully.
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Some of the things written above came out of my own mind, for how could i possibly know what 贝 was feeling, thinking and experiencing during his encounters with her?
I could of course ask, but what's the point really? I had asked in fact, for that was how i get to know of some of his behaviours, but i would not probe further.
As for my part in this story, i just wonder why i have to play the role of this pathetic wife.
But then, that is probably who i am now.
Indeed.
Labels: love
