happiness = love + trust + faithfulness + truthfulness
Yes, i believed that all these elements are the very foundation to a happy marriage.
So, when the trust has been shattered, when the faithfulness is lost, when the truthfulness is no longer present, what's left is only love, and possibly not 100% of it, can there still be happiness?
If i were to continue on, i will have to change this belief. I will have to believe that even without everything else, even without the fullest degree of love, happiness is still a possibility. I have to believe that there is no one single formula to happy marriage.
Being a person as obstinate as i am, to change this personal value is tougher than anything else.
But i am willing to do so, or at least willing to try.
I am not sure if i can really do it in the end, as trust is a fragile thing, once broken it can never be patched back 100%. There will forever be this crack that stops you from truly and fully believing in that person again. At the back of your mind, and deep down in your heart, you will forever have this insecurity and suspicion that bug you forever, a little voice that keeps saying to you, "is he telling the truth?", "is he doing it again?", "is he thinking of her?".
To continue on in this marriage, that is the toughest part. I can't see through his heart and his mind. I do not know how to trust him, or whether i can ever trust him again. I do not know if giving out my love and trust fully again, will i be hurt again. I do not know if i can bring myself to truly forgive him.
Yes, forgive... how do you define forgiveness?
I do not know how to do that. I have never been put in that position before to have to forgive anyone. This is the first time that someone really needs and wants my forgiveness, but do i know how, and can i really do that?
Does forgiveness include forgetting? If so, i don't think i can. I know that i can never forget this incident, and i am not even going to fool myself or anyone to say that i can forget it one day.
Does forgiveness mean to be able to start over again? If so, i am not sure if i can. What happened has happened, and there is no way to turn back time. There is no possibility to start over again, as the memory, the experience, and the pain are all permanent.
I really need someone to tell me, what does it mean by truly forgiving someone?
Everyone is telling me to give him another chance; everyone is telling me that love can conquer all; everyone is telling me that if i stick it through, i will still have a chance to be happy, and if i not, i may live to regret it.
I will do it, if for nothing else, at least for the love i have for him. I am attempting to do the impossible, but i have to hold on to another belief, which is love can make anything impossible possible.
Labels: introspection, love
