I must stop all the WHYs in my head. I must accept that there are simply no answers to a lot of questions in life. I must accept that not everything everyone does can be explained with a reason, as human in general is weak. We have rational minds, but the ones that take charge and determine our behaviours are often emotions and feelings, which simply could not be explained with a rational reason.
Then we are no difference than other animals, you might say. Yes, as harsh as it may sound, we are animals in nature. Our behaviours and thoughts may be conditioned by the social reasoning, ethical values and moral beliefs, but we are still intrinsically animals. Whether we abide by the teachings and behave rationally, or we let loose our emotions and feelings without thinking of the consequence, will depend on the minds -- whether we have strong will or a weak one.
The same applies to how we handle crisis in our lives. I can either tell myself that i cannot do it and dwell on the things that do not have any answers, or i can believe in the endless possibility of human willpower and move on.
No more why why why. The things that i must ask myself is the what and how.
What should i do to move past this misery?
How can i still have happiness in life, whether i have to walk the remaining journey alone or with him by my side?
How can i put a stop to this spiral of sorrows and stand on my feet again?
What should be done to stop me from thinking negatively, to stop myself from crying and feeling sad, and to lead a fulfilling life again?
First and foremost, i need to love myself first before i can love anyone else; i must save myself first before i can save my marriage, if there is still one.
I think i've more or less made up my mind on what should be done already. What's left is to actually do it.
I may relapse and fall back into the abyss of sorrow; i may not be able to stop my tears totally; i may even feel like giving up every now and then.
But one thing i am sure is that, if i have the will and strongly believe that i can do it, anything impossible can be made possible.
Labels: introspection
