贝 said none of us would understand the feelings between her and him, because everyone wants to judge her by her nationality and judge their feelings with the period of time they know each other. My blog post about not believing that she has indeed fallen in love with him in such short time may have sounded as if belittling their feelings. 贝 is a person who trusts and follows his feelings, and he said that he can strongly feel that what the girl was saying is true.
The thing is this -- i know full well that love should not be measured by the amount of time, because our feelings developed in quite a short interval as well when we were back in Munich. Yet, i still wanted to believe that there shouldn't be any love between them, just to make myself feel better.
Deep down in my heart, that is my greatest fear. I fear that there is indeed love between them. For a person like me who believe so much in love, i could never believed that a person can ever forget about the person he once loved. What i need to carry on with this marriage is to believe that he can indeed one day totally forget about her, and to have this possibility, i cannot and refuse to believe that there is love; for if i do, then i will lose my hope that he will return to me one day fully.
So when he said those words to me, about how i could not understand the feelings between them, i felt my heart went numb. At that moment, i couldn't even cry although i felt devastated. I could almost hear a voice telling me that, "yes, there is indeed love; there is no turning back anymore". At that moment, i felt all hope is lost.
Then what followed was an episode of near hysterical break-down, which must have been a very ugly sight. I said things without thinking through, and cried out loud and was all shaken. Then a few minutes later, i calmed down and seemed to be able to think well again.
Seriously, i can see that i'm slowly losing it, my sanity. I must do something, and do it quickly, as i really do not know how much longer i can go on like this before i totally lost it.
Labels: introspection, love
