I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Sunday, October 18, 2009

What are we?

Met up with YY this morning and had breakfast with him.

He offered to help in fixing my personal laptop. For all these years, i've relied on him for every IT stuff, and i guess i've not kicked this reliance. Yeah, i do know this is unhealthy for me.

I hadn't planned to have breakfast together, but when i met up with him, i haven't had my breakfast yet. Initially i had refused when he asked, for i thought that it would not be wise to have meals together when i've not really recovered from the ordeal. Then he asked again and i figured that i would like to know about how he was doing too, so i agreed.

A couple of months back, he told me that his company is closing down the regional office in SG and majority of the staff here will be retrenched. He was on the list. He was feeling down at that time, saying to me that this is his retribution for committing the sin.

I did not really think of it as karma or whatever. At that time, i was only worried about him, for i did not know how he would take the blow. Of course, any problem with his financial well-being would indirectly impact me as well, since we still have a mortgage loan that we are paying together.

Hence i took the initiative to help him. I asked my contacts in the industry to see if anyone knew of any career opportunities that might suit him. Then a few weeks back, he told me that he had an offer already. It was an expatriate job to China (how ironic!), and he was still considering if he should accept it.

Then last week i asked him again about his decision and he said he had rejected the offer. I did not ask why.

This morning i got to know from him that he had gotten a new job and would be starting next month. The offer was very good, probably better than what he has now. So you see, it turned out that it was not a "retribution" as he thought it was. It might be a blessing in disguise actually.

We had long talk over breakfast today, casually chatting about usual stuff such as what we had encountered at our work and such. I can't verbalise what i felt at that time and what i feel now. I was struggling to come up with the appropriate word until LF nailed it -- "numb".

Yes, i guess what i felt was just an indescribable numbness, both in my mind and in my heart. You know, probably when great sorrow has engulfed you for so long, you are just so used to it that your threshold for sadness has increased in magnitude. It was as if all your feelings have been sedated; it was simply numbness all over.

It kinda made me wonder about our relationship. What are we really? Legally we are still husband and wife, but in reality we are no longer living like one. In fact, we are working on at becoming not like one. I do not think we could be friends at the current stage too. So really, i have no idea what i should make out of this bizarre and awkward relationship.

It is sad, pathetic even, to think about how things would come to this state. Two persons who once loved each other so much and had promised each other to spend the rest of their lives together became two persons who are stuck in an odd relationship that is not here nor there. It just breaks my heart to even think about it.

Anyway, i'm just gonna stop analysing it and put it to sleep, again. As for the laptop, YY has sent it back to me tonight and i'm using a "clean" laptop now. Had a new HDD that was only installed with the essential programs. I am now downloading and installing the other "fun" programs and utilities that i've been using all the while.


Share your cogitation

Sunday, October 18, 2009 @ 4:57 am: Dinner tonight
Friday, October 16, 2009 @ 5:19 am: My theme song 115
Friday, October 16, 2009 @ 4:56 am: Pet Society pictures
Thursday, October 15, 2009 @ 5:57 am: My theme song 114
Thursday, October 15, 2009 @ 4:13 am: Problematic laptops
Thursday, October 15, 2009 @ 12:49 am: Suicide
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 @ 10:57 pm: My theme song 113
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 @ 9:58 pm: Working from home
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 @ 6:09 am: My theme song 112
Tuesday, October 13, 2009 @ 4:48 am: My theme song 111