No, in fact, i know i am getting better.
Those who have experienced similar event before told me that what i was feeling and how i behaved was normal -- normal in the sense that anyone who has to go through such ordeal would behave the same too, more so if the other party isn't really helping much.
Yet, people also told me that i won't recover so fast. It takes months or years to completely heal from the event, and some women actually never get to completely heal from it at all. So i was told that i should not rush myself and force myself. Just accept that it is the phase that i have to go through; it is not wrong to feel ups and downs; it is ok to be upset, angry, frustrated, resentful, sad, or even throw tantrums. Do not blame myself for having all these negative feelings. The most important thing is to recognize it, accept it, and then get out of it.
I am an impatient person. I do not like to wait for things to happen; i do not like to wait for very long. So for me to keep on falling back into depression frustrates me very much. Once i even sms-ed LF to ask her how long it will take before i can finally get well. It's funny that i even asked, as i know full well in my heart that there is no single answer to this question. It all depends on the person and the situation. Yet, i am just that impatient. I just want an answer, as i felt the agony was too much to bear already.
Now, i know it doesn't matter how long it takes. I just need to work on it and focus on the right path. One step at a time, slow and steady. If i take a step forward for three days and then one step back on the fourth, at least i am two steps forward already.
You know, pretty much like the snakes and ladders board game we played when we were young. We can't guarantee that the dice we roll will for sure land us exactly on the last square on the board. The numbers may move us forward and then backward. If it was a bad day, we may end up landing on a snake and slide further away from the final square. But then, the cool thing about the game is that as long as we don't give up the game and continue to roll the dice, we know for sure that we will reach that final square eventually.
That is what i am doing now really. Keep rolling the dice till i reach there.
Labels: introspection
