Oh yes, it's apparent that i'm losing my patience already, which may not be entirely a bad sign for me. Probably only in this way that i could turn the anger into strength to get well, but it would definitely be bad for our relationship.
贝 is now probably happily thinking that everything has come to a fullstop, and by end of May, he just appears at the front door of my rented place, and i'd just pack and go home with him.
Uh huh, he still doesn't get it. I doubt he ever will.
I made it clear to him today that this may or may not happen, depending on how i feel by then. One thing for sure is that if by then i am still feeling the way i am now, there is no way that we could continue on anymore.
I've done enough, more than enough in fact. But what has he done so far to contribute to our future well-being? Even the last gesture of the final call to that woman is also being coerced by me. He hasn't done anything out from his own initiative to make things right, to make me feel better, to show his sincere remorse, and to work at rebuilding my trust and confidence.
He contacts me only when he feels like so; he can be too tired when meeting me but never too tired to go out with friends; he still insists that he likes speaking in China Mandarin despite me telling him how it annoys me to no end; he'd just talk about insignificant things instead of his feelings and thoughts; he'd just go about doing his own stuff without thinking about what should be done for our future...
Basically, instead of taking the remaining one month to lay the foundation for rebuilding our marriage, instead of taking the remaining time to make me feel better about him, about our love, and about our marriage, he is just taking this one last month as a chance to enjoy his bachelor life before returning to the prison that i've put in my list.
So i ask myself, do i still want to press on by myself, tire myself out when i am already not in the state to do anything else? The answer is a resounding NO.
I will just feel what i feel, and it is up to him to change my mind. If he doesn't feel that there is a need to do so, then so be it. I've done enough thinking for "him" and for "us". Now it's all "me" time.
Labels: rant
