Woke up by the rain again early morning, as i gotta get up and shut the window. But then, it was just a short shower, and it became rather hot a while later with the window closed. So i didn't have a good sleep.
Then after work today, i decided to go home by bus. So far, i've been taking MRT and then transit to bus for going home. I found out where to board the bus and then waited for quite a while for it.
The problem was that i wasn't sure of where to alight for transit to the other bus. In the end, i got down at the wrong stop. I thought the stop that i was supposed to alight was just not far away, so i decided to walk. It turned out that it was actually 8 bus stops away, and i only realised it after having walked past 4 stops. Then i waited for the same bus again at the 4th stop for quite some time, boarded it and finally alighted at the right stop for transit. It was a long wait again before the bus i wanted to transit arrived.
As i was walking and waiting, i kept asking myself one question, "what the heck are you doing?" That was when i realised how stupid i have been, and probably still am.
Really, i am so so so stupid to be doing all these. In fact, everything i did since the onset of this incident had been plain stupidity. I had always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but it turned out that i am just a thin line away from idiocy. I was made stupid by love, by kind-heartedness, by over-sensibility, by being unrealistically putting love so much higher above material things, and by wanting to be a goody-goody all the time (烂好人).
I want to be a sensible person all the time; i want to do the right thing all the time; i want to avoid hurting people all the time; i want to be good all the time. To do all these means that i will have to bear the hardship that accompanies it, but i am not a selfless person by nature. I am mad when i feel that whatever i have been doing in the end all come to nothing and means nothing to the person i love so much. Then it was a tussle between my little angel and little devil, one telling me that doing this is to make me a better person, while the other laughing at me for being such an idiot.
Oh yes, i am such a fool. So what if i was a scholar? So what if i earn a living with my brain? I have no street smart at all when faced with the problems in life. When it comes to matter of the heart, i am just a complete hopeless idiot. Even a less educated woman who does erotic massage is smarter than me, in the sense that she knows that nothing is more important than herself and money. That's why she can live so happily and cheerfully. While i, the supposedly intelligent lady, is living miserably, being knocked down by this one incident in life and lost my mind, my health, my credibility in my career, my confidence, and my dignity because of selfish people.
Yet, my little angel still keeps telling me to be nice, though she is slowly losing her power to my little devil. I was, for several times, overcome by rage and totally lost it. But after every outburst, i felt bad as if i had done something wrong. But seriously, was i wrong? For a person in my current state, is it really wrong to be willful? Why was i still expected to put other's feelings in front of mine when i was the one who was badly hurt?
A friend told me that i should stop thinking and start feeling. Yeah, she was sure right about it. Too much sensibility in this senseless world simply does not work. It should be about me me me me me.
Gosh, such outburst does feel better. Now i should be able to sleep better.
Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Labels: rant
