Of course, when a relationship reaches this kind of stage, a lot of couples will go for marriage counselling, at least the last resort to try to make things work. But then, 贝 does not believe in counselling at all.
The ironic part is that he keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do anymore, but he'd rather keep it to himself instead of seeking help. It needs not be a marriage counsellor of course, but anyone who is the right person to give advice on this issue, can be a wise friend or elderly or spiritual person. Yet, he still carries on in doing whatever he feels like the way to do it, despite claiming that he is at his wit's end already. I do not understand why he is behaving like this, and frankly, i have stopped to even attempt to understand it, for i know that there will be no answer.
The thing is that i am now a nagging angry mother who bugs him to no end, while he is the defiant and rebellious child who just wants the mother to shut-up and dote on him, otherwise he'd just continue doing things differently.
贝 finds what i said to him very vague -- i told him that i need to see the sincerity to feel his love and to rebuild my trust and confidence. He asked me what exactly i want him to do when it comes to showing "sincerity". The thing is this, i do not know for sure myself too. After all, if i were to tell him what to do, and he just does it, then where is the sincerity? I will know and can feel when a behaviour is sincere or not. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to dissect and analyse it.
Sincerity comes from the heart. It is the thing that you genuinely want to do and then just do it; it is not something that is being asked and followed. So if his heart is telling him that these are all that he wants to do and can do, then that is all the sincerity he has already. Regardless of how many times i told him to show me his sincerity, these are all he can squeeze out already. So why am i still nagging and nagging and nagging like an old hag?
That is because i am still holding on to the hope that he does sincerely care and does sincerely wants to make amends. My mind is giving me the illusion that perhaps the more i lecture him, it will finally get registered into his mind and he'd finally do it. But then again, this is the naiveness and silliness on my part.
I am not a stupid person. I know what i see is what i get. It's just that i am still clinging on to the old days when his heart was filled with me and his love for me. I am still reminiscing the past when he would do all the little things that touch my heart. I should have known better that those days were long gone. I probably just refused to face the truth, that's all.
I remember many years ago, i cut a bobbed hair style and looked very cute, for the hair was like a mushroom on my head. One Sunday morning, when 贝 woke up early for his usual weekly badminton game while i was still sleeping, he kissed me on the cheek and said to me, "蘑菇蘑菇，我爱你" ("mushroom, mushroom, i love you"). I am a light sleeper and would be awaken everytime he woke up, so i actually heard him say this, and it filled my heart with warmth and happiness. No one asked or forced him into doing this, but it came from his heart. That, is sincerity.
Then some other days, he would tell me on Saturday nights to wake up early on the following morning to have breakfast together with him. And if i really managed to wake up early, he would indeed insist taking me to breakfast, as we hardly spend Sunday morning together. This kind of simple gesture let me know that he wanted to be with me as much as possible, even when it was just a short time of breakfast. No one asked or forced him into having breakfast with me, but he just wanted to have more time with his 贝. That, is sincerity.
There were also times when he would hold my hands when walking or even driving, would call or sms me to let me know he missed me, would want to spend time with me as much as possible no matter how late into the night is was already, would make coffee for me over weekends knowing that i have to drink coffee everyday. He quit smoking for he knew that i do not like it and it was not good for his health. When i was angry over something, he'd pacify me gently with hugs, kisses and sincere apologies. All these little things are manifestations of his love for me, came out directly from his heart without being asked or coerced.
Now, he woke up on Sunday morning as if i am an invisible person. He only contacts me when he feels like so, and is always tired and wants to get home early to rest. He walks by himself without a care of where i am, even crossing the road by himself when i was still at the other end. He sits quietly in the car as if we are just two persons carpooling. He not only smokes until all his clothes and breathe are full of smell of cigarettes, he even smokes in the house and in front of me. Now that i am angry at him and loose my temper, he'd do the same or intentionally annoys me further as a way of "counter-attack".
Seriously, these behaviours are sincere too, for it was indeed from the bottom of his heart and that was all the degree of love and care he has for me now, so there is nothing further he can do anymore. So what am i still expecting? Why am i asking, or even begging?
Just face the reality, stupid girl! *slap slap*
