I once said that my favourite movie is Shawshank Redemption, and one of my favourite quote from that movie is, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies".
I have been holding on to the hope that 贝 and i will lead a happy life again after this whole incident comes to an end. That is the reason why no matter how much hardship i need to go through physically or mentally, i am still doing it, as i have the hope that everything will be alright. I pinned my hope on him, waiting for him to take the move to realise his mistake, to end the relationship with that woman, to show me his love and sincerity, to make amends...
Yet, over and over again, i was disappointed. He had to be told and coerced into doing everything. I suppressed my feelings of disappointment, and over and over again gave him chance, still harbouring the hope that he would finally live positively, think positively and act positively, would put me and our marriage in front of himself and anything else.
But then, a person can only be disappointed so many times before she could suppress no more and let her anger run loose. She will finally realise what the phrase from the movie truly means.
Hope is indeed a good thing, but our hope should not be clinched on another person, for you have no control over what the other person will do, no matter how many times you tell him of your expectation.
Hope is knowing and believing that our future will be better, but this better future we envisage can only be made possible with our own hands, by doing something on our own and not sitting there waiting for things to happen, or waiting for the other person to make the move to make your hope come true. Of course, if we are lucky, the person may work on making our dream comes true, but chances are, we will be disappointed most of the time. So don't bet on it.
One month has passed since i moved out of our home, but my suffering actually started since mid-February. Everyday was spent in agony. I cannot tell for sure at this juncture if the progress now is good or bad. There have been too much hope and too much disappointment. There's only one more month to go before the overcast sky can be clear again.
All i can say now is that despite all these, i have never given up hope -- the hope that i can and will find happiness, eventually. As much as i hope the happiness is a continuation from the last 8 years with 贝 by my side, but the many events had taught me that even if the worst does happen, i should still hold on to the hope that i an worthy of love and deserve to be happy in life.
As long as i hold on to this hope and work on it, i will achieve it one day. I'm sure of that.
Labels: introspection, love
