Well, you gotta be in my shoe and to be me to know how it feels. It's always easy to think and say what are supposed to be done and how to do it. In fact, all those things about just look forward and not to think about the past, letting go, moving on, i'm better off without him, it's blessing in disguise that i discover his true self now than later, bla bla bla... i know of all these theories. To actually do it is, however, entirely different thing.
For people who know me or have spoken to me, they'd think that i'm mature for my age. I can always give constructive advice and guidance to people. I know what is right and wrong in life, and i always do my best to do the right things as much as i can. I'd always think through and analyse the events in life, to do self-reflection and strive to be a better person.
It's precisely because of such personality that i do not allow myself to do wrong, that i appear to be a person who's stubborn in abiding to my so-called principles in life. It's not that i'm inflexible; i do, in fact, can be flexible on things, but when it comes to issues concerning my personal values, i do not bend the rules at all. To me, good vs. evil and right vs. wrong are very clear cut. There is no grey area about it.
Yes, that is stubbornness i guess, yet that is what makes me the person i am. That is why despite being at my age and have been in the society for so long, i still maintain that innocence in my heart, believing that by doing the right things and being good, we all can make a difference in this world; believing that everyone in this world can do the right things if they want to, for we all have this inherent goodness in us; believing in the pureness of love that encompasses everything in this world. So you see, i am probably a hypocrite myself, in that i appear to be mature to people but i am actually quite naive in my heart.
Knowing all the words of wisdom doesn't really make me a wise person i guess. I know the theories but i fail to practice it. After all, we are talking about the matters of the heart; what your mind tells you to do is one thing, but what your heart feels is another. (In this aspect, i guess YY can't agree more; he knew what he did was wrong but his heart was drawn uncontrollably to that woman -- she is just too good in keeping the man hooked; ask the people who have a lot of real world experience or who have stayed in China before, they will tell you how good these China women are, and there is NO WAY that men can resist them at all.)
Furthermore, i am really a very sentimental person who puts love as the most important thing in my life (ya, i know, it's foolish, but that's me indeed). For my first breakup, i was still hurting even after one year (YY should know that actually, as he was the one who supposedly rescue me out of that misery then). This time, my love for YY is so much deeper, our relationship was so much more closer and intimate, the betrayal was so much more serious, and furthermore he's my husband and not just boyfriend, and hence the hurt was so much more excruciating.
I do not know how long it will take me this time, and furthermore i'll have to do it on my own already. There will not be another 贝 appearing to rescue me out of this even deeper misery this time. I've realised that it's unwise to depend on another person to pull us out, as we will just end up relying on that person and build our happiness around him. It then becomes a vicious cycle of trusting a person wholeheartedly and then being betrayed and hurt over and over again.
I am depressed, yes, and it may last for quite a while. But what i do believe is that this will not last FOREVER. I will get well one day. It may take me 1 year, 3 years, 5 years or even 10 years. The comforting thing is that i do know for sure that i will heal eventually. It just takes time, and time is all that i need now.
Labels: introspection, love
