See, this is the thing -- they had smeared my hometown with their indecent liaison. Wherever i go, i'd either be reminded of the memories of the two 贝s, or the affair of those two selfish persons. Whichever it is, my heart twitched for it. My heart constantly mourns for the happy moments that were once so sweet and forever lost, and for our love and marriage that were destroyed by their filthy affair.
This is also one of the reasons why i know the marriage has definitely come to an end. They went to many places in JB and KL, and perhaps some other places where i do not know of. If i were to continue the relationship, everywhere we go in the future, i'd wonder if they had been there before, what they had done, and if it reminds YY of her and their memories.
I can never understand why YY wanted to build so much memories with that woman at the place where we have been living happily for the past 8 years. Why he had to spoil it for me? Why wasn't just having the memories of two 贝s enough for him, and he wanted to taint it with the existence of that Satan woman? Why just having the love of 贝 wasn't sufficient and he had to be so greedy and wanted more from that woman, which wasn't even worthy to be called love at all?
Getting back to JB/SG has indeed affected me somewhat. Let's say if i have gotten better by 20% when i was in the US, now i'm kinda dropped back to 10%. My mood got all gloomy again.
In fact, i think i've never really gotten out of my traumatised state. When i was in the US, it was probably suppressed. Now that i'm back, i had bad dreams for the past three nights consecutively.
Uh huh, no kidding. I dreamt of YY, and all three times he was either treating me like a jerk or telling lies. I could literally feel my heart ached in the dreams. I guess he had shown me too much of his wicked sides that i had never seen before and this had traumatised me so much that i was actually subconsciously bothered by it. I was devastated at not knowing how badly he could behave, at what kind of jerk he could be, and at the fact that i actually married a man whom i thought for 8 long years to be sweet, loving and nice but turned out to have the great potential to be such evil person.
It's not gonna be easy for me to heal from this trauma completely. Well, to be frank, sometimes i even wonder if i ever could really get well completely.
I just have to have the hope, pray hard, and work even harder at it.
Labels: introspection
