EY was my university mate in Canada, three years older than me. He was one of the few Singaporean university mates with whom i could become a good friend. We used to talk every night on the phone about everything, even my family problems and his sexual rendezvous. We were really good friends then.
EY and i didn't know each other very well until the senior year of university when the two of us and a couple drove to New York City for holiday. My boyfriend of that time was very pissed because he felt that i had disrespected him by going on a vacation with another guy without him. When i returned, he even asked me how the four of us spent the nights in the hotel in NYC since the other two were couple. I was so surprised as i never thought that he would think the couple would be in one bed while EY and i in another. Or maybe he was worried about a foursome. I don't know.
Actually i knew all along that my ex-boyfriend disliked EY but it never occurred to me to keep a distance. I've always believe in platonic relationships between guys and gals, just like the one i had with EY. So i couldn't see what was wrong with being a buddy to another guy when i was already attached. On retrospect, i might have been a bad girlfriend for not considering the feeling of my boyfriend. I may not do the same now if 贝 dislikes me being too close to a certain guy.
EY wasn't the kind of guy whom i would normally befriend with, or at least not so buddy-buddy. He was eloquent, liked to ogle at pretty gals and talked about nonsensical stuff most of the time. Most people might just brush him off as a flirt but he was actually more than what he appeared to be. The outgoing and frivolous front was just a disguise of a deeper person in him. But on being a flirt, he was indeed none other.
I hadn't seen him for years. During the dinner last night, he appeared to be the same person, sprouting nonsense as always and not hitting on any serious topics. Yet, i had a strong feeling that he wasn't showing us the real him. He was just pretending to be like the old friend we knew but he had in fact changed a lot over the years. I don't know why i had this feeling and i can't really point out any telltale signs specifically; it just felt different even though he was behaving the same like before.
Then it struck me. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was me who had changed over the years, so much so that even with the same bunch of friends and talking about the same nonsensical things could no longer feel the same. Yes, we may not have aged so much in our appearances, but we had indeed matured over the years. The same conversation is no longer interesting; the same joke is no longer funny; the same food is no longer tasty; the same type of person is no longer attractive...
No matter how hard we try, nothing stays the same forever. Not friendships, not love, not ourselves. Nothing.
Labels: friendship, introspection
