贝 was the person who taught me optimism. Throughout the years that we were together, he showered me with love and taught me how to always look at things from the bright side. He always told me nothing is definite in life; the people we see who are in the high places may fall from grace just within days, while people who seem to be in the low may get lucky any time. The most important thing is to get ourselves prepared all the time, so that when opportunities come knocking, we will know how to seize the chance.
Yet, all that he taught me over the years was not present in him during this incident. He has been taking a passive approach to things. The 贝 who has the determination and perseverance in building up his muscles and body does not show the same determination in handling this crisis in our marriage. Instead of showing me (and everyone) his strong determination in patching our love and marriage, he was first unsure about his own feelings, and then he got discouraged when i told him that i needed more time to sort out my emotion and well-being.
He did not seem to understand that i need time to see his sincerity and determination, so that i can rebuild my trust and confidence in our relationship. I also need time to learn true forgiveness, without which our marriage will not go anywhere even if we get back together again. It is the same with him when he told me that he needed time to let go of her, and yet it is different in the way that he was giving up someone he likes/loves, while i'm recovering from the deep hurt of betrayal from a loved one.
If men and women are really created by God, then i wonder why He wanted to make us so different and yet unite us in marriage. Men and women can never understand each other -- what the other gender needs, thinks and wants. There's where the conflicts start.
Now, i need to focus on rebuilding myself first. First and foremost is to get back to normal sleeping pattern. That should help in my concentration at work too.
As everyone keeps on telling me, i gotta learn to love myself first before loving anyone else. And that is exactly what i need to do now.
Labels: love
