Am back in JB now, alone. 贝 and i are taking turn to return to JB, and this week is my turn. We gotta come up with all kinds of reasons to keep my mom from being suspicious, but my mom is rather smart and i seriously do not think that we can keep it under cover for long. We are just buying time here.
贝 and i used to look forward to long weekends, so that we can return to JB for longer days and relax at home. We'd have breakfast, go golfing, go to hair salon, watch downloaded shows, drink Chinese tea, and go out with friends sometimes. This kind of life may seem routine and dull to some people; i think maybe even 贝 had been feeling bored at our lives but i had never noticed it. To me, these very little, simple and familiar things that we do with our loved ones simply feel so good; it fills my heart with peace and calm, knowing that the person you love is always by your side, and it gives me the ease of mind.
Now, i am all alone at home in JB. The feeling is very different, filled with sorrow and loneliness, especially when i know that this may pretty well be how it will be for the rest of my life. Actually this peaceful life had already ended months ago, from the moment 贝 let another woman into his mind and sent out the first sms to that woman. I just didn't know and was living in my own illusion of newly married life, thinking that our new lives together had just started and we will walk till the end together hand-in-hand.
Eight years ago when i let 贝 into my heart, i have never expected that i'd ever be alone again. I thought i will forever have him in my life, and this belief has sustained me through all difficulties faced at work and in day-to-day life. Now, i'll have to stand on my own again.
Reality is cruel, and the truth is painful. I am forced to face it alone, and that is what i am going to do. Yes, the road ahead is gonna be long and bumpy, and i will have to walk it alone, without anyone by my side anymore. But one thing i am sure is this: if i fall along the way, i will get back up and continue the journey.
I will get back up, sooner or later. I will get back up.
Labels: introspection
