I asked myself the same question and i really do not know why either. Maybe i just couldn't bear the thought of creating inconvenience to him and hope that he can still live comfortably.
I am hopeless.
Seriously, it is not easy to be out there alone again. Renting a room without aircon and proper furniture. Shared bathroom, no TV and no car. It's just back to the basics for me. I know a lot of people are living like this, but once you have been living in comfort before, it is harder to return to the other lifestyle. Yet, i am doing it now, and frankly it is not easy.
It is especially even harder when i gotta come out here when i'm in this state of mind. I'm still crying sometimes, not eating well and not sleeping well. Everyone at work said i looked exhausted and as if i'm gonna drop dead anytime. I know this is not good, and it is very damaging at my age, whether in terms of health or look.
The worst part is that if this is a punishment, it is not gonna end anytime soon. The harsher punishment awaits me. If i choose to leave him, i'll have to bear the heartache for many years to come and may not be able to trust and love anyone again. If i choose to take him back, i'll have to forgive him, which is even tougher. I really don't know if i can really do it.
You see, forgiveness is not just paying lip service. It has to come from the heart, just like love. There's no point just saying "i love you" and yet doing things that are otherwise. Similarly, if i were to say "i forgive you" but in my heart i am still burdened by the past, then in the end the marriage will still fail, and by that time, it will entirely be my own doing.
To truly forgive a person is not easy. Really, forgiveness is not about pardoning a mistake committed by a person. Once we see it this way, we already have the fixation that the person has done wrong and to forgive is the right thing to do. We still think of ourselves as the victims and will still hold on to the resentment that this person wronged us, and we are big enough to pardon him.
This is not true forgiveness. Forgiveness is more than that. It is about acceptance -- accepting that things are the way they are, that things did not and will not always happen the way we want it, that the person is the way he is, and not judging anything or anyone based on our values or thinking. It is about truly and sincerely accepting the person wholeheartedly, without thinking about the past events anymore.
True forgiveness also means that we are able to fully trust the person again despite being hurt deeply before. Being human, it is in our instinct for wanting to protect ourselves from being hurt again. It's just like once you have been badly burnt by fire before, you'd be afraid of fire for the rest of your life.
So in my mind, i will hope to have a guarantee that this thing will never ever happened again before letting myself to trust him again. Yet, there is no such guarantee in life, for i thought there was when we put the wedding bands onto each other's fingers. Now i know nothing is constant in life.
After all, i can never be like her, and the qualities that attracted him to her may pretty well be the very things i lack. Do i have to change myself to become someone else in order to keep his heart, to ensure that he will not fall for another similar one again in future? What happened to the part about true love is to love someone for the person that she really is, and not for the person that you want her to be?
You see, if i were to take the road of forgiveness, i must stop all these destructive thoughts in my mind. I must build in my mind just these beliefs: forgiveness is not about doing it for his sake, but for my own. Forgiveness is not about asking to forget the event or to never be hurt again, but to have the confidence that we will grow from the pain and able to live freer and happier life. Forgiveness is to truly let go of all the bitterness and to achieve inner peace.
This is very very very tough for me, to learn how to forgive. It takes lots of courage and requires strong determination. Whether i will be with him in the end or not, i must forgive and move on; i must only look forward and not look back; i must make my peace with the event and with myself, and not being hurt over and over again by dwelling on to it.
The journey is long and difficult. To start with, i will have to rough it out alone in the world, for to withstand hardship is a way to strengthen our inner self as well. It is not a punishment, but a road that i must travel so that i'll come out a better person.
Labels: introspection, love
