Initially before i moved out of the house, i was in distress and all i could think about is to get out of there and to stay away from him to clear my mind. So i told him that we should stop all contacts and be totally alone.
Just two days after i moved out, i missed him badly and worried about whether or not he was eating well. So i sms-ed him to ensure he was ok. Then we did sms each other a few times, but everytime i was the one who took the initiative. He was following my instructions of keeping a distance and hence he did as what i told him.
Now one week is about to pass, and i've really calmed down a lot. At least i am now sleeping better (without any sleeping pills) and crying lesser. I thought it through and believed that we should at least start normal conversation again like friends. This kind of positive approach will help both of us to heal from the situation, and hopefully give him strength to do the right thing.
On his lifestyle, the right thing is so stop smoking as it is damaging to his health. On his love life, the right thing is to make a decision on who he really wants in his life. As bizarre as it may sound, he is in love with two persons now. So it is very difficult on his part to let go of either one. To have both women in his life is not an option at all, so however cruel it is, this is the choice he must made and the action he must take. The person not necessarily must be me, but at least he must make the choice, and once decided, there should be no turning back. He has to completely and truthfully let go of the other party.
On my end, i need to feel and see his sincerity in wanting to rebuild the relationship. By severing all contacts, i can't see that and my imagination will just run wild. Rather than me thinking all the negative stuff, probably we could just be friends and talk like normal. I've always been the person who can share his worries and understand him, whether his actions, his troubles, or his work. I will not be the wife or girlfriend or lover now; my role is just the friend whom he has always trusted and who gives him strength.
Is it easy to do so on my part? Definitely not. But i believe i can do it for the love and compassion i have for him. It is for the good of both of us. I need to have happiness in my life too instead of feeling lonely and down. He is my happiness; nothing would bring me more joy than to feel and know that he is thinking of me, wants to talk to me and share with me his sorrow and joy, is doing his best to work out our relationship, and is waiting for me to go back to that home and rebuild a marriage that will be even better and happier than before.
If his heart is still undecided after all these, then i'd say i've done my best and perhaps it is really God's will for this to happen. Then i'd have no regrets.
Labels: introspection, love
