Weekend night like this, alone in a place where everything feels so temporary, the sadness of homelessness and desertion struck me hard. It is night like this that would bring out all the negativity, and i'm just gonna let it run like water...
I am worried if 贝 is taking good care of himself. I sent sms to him on Wednesday and today, asking him if he's ok. He seemed fine and i am glad. I miss him badly, but deep down in my heart, the devil is torturing me and telling me that he may not be missing me, or even if he does, he is missing two persons at the same times. It is exactly this kind of thoughts that would put me in great sorrow. I just hope the devil can go away and stop tormenting my mind like this.
DS was trying to cheer me up by having dinner with me and her little sister. I took the chance to ask her how long it took her to forgive her hubby, as similar things have happened to her before. She told me that it didn't really take them long to rebuild their relationship, probably only a few months, even though the memory still comes back once in a while.
She told me that when the affair was first discovered, she confronted her hubby and he stopped it instantly. Her hubby then did everything he could to show his sincerity and love to her, so that he could prove to her that it was just a mistake that he made, and she is the most important person in his life and he is willing to go the extra mile to repent and reconcile.
Yet, 贝 was doing the opposite. He couldn't let go of her immediately; he couldn't stop and wanted more time; he thought of it not as a mistake but a genuine love that could not be severed so easily; he lost his temper at me when i lost mine; he still put his feeling in front of mine when i was already in the state of great distress. I wonder if he realised that his behaviours are actually causing irrevocable damage to our relationship and marriage. It is so deep that there may be no turning back at all anymore.
9 years ago, i left JB to come to SG after being heart-broken by the end of my first relationship. There was when i got to know 贝, for he was my colleague during my first SG employment. He once told me that even though i looked fine and cheerful on the outside, he could see the sorrow in my eyes. He could feel the pain that i was having from my first break-up and he promised that he would be the person who would love and cherish me, and who would never ever do that to me.
Now, what he did was worse than that, probably 100 times more. Not only that he could no longer feel the deep pain i had inside, he saw it and yet he continued on. He said he had no regrets of the whole incident, for he is a person who does not believe in being regretful, since whatever that has happened had already happened and it could not be undone. To me, it sounded like if he were given the chance to start over and to walk the same route again, he would still choose it; he would still want to go through the exact same thing of hurting me than to not having her once appeared in his life.
Well, he was right about the part that it is pointless to have regrets. What was done was done. No matter what we do in the future, it cannot be reversed anymore. The impact may be long and deep.
Despite these, i could not bring myself to blame him, for i felt that it may be my own doing.
When we first met, he was still with his fist girlfriend. I did not want to be the 3rd party, but he reassured me that he had actually lost all feelings for her since years ago, for they are not suited for each other due to the difference in thinking, as she was very simple-minded and does not think much. He had actually tried to break up with her before, but she cried and even thought of suicide, and hence he did not push on. Then after he met me, he felt that i was the soul mate for his life. I could understand him fully, and we could communicate well, not only in words but also spiritually.
Yet, just these few weeks back, he had said to me twice that he was not a person like me, for i am a deep thinker who will ponder on an issue and have a lot of musings. He said he is just a simple man, who does not think so much as me. Well, isn't it ironic, that everything is so right when you love a person, but the right thing will become wrong when the love is lost?
I sometimes think of this incident as my karma, for being the 3rd party despite his denial about it. After all, even though i wasn't the person who caused it, i was still the person who prompted him to finally pull the plug. Now, it probably is just a punishment for me to have indirectly hurt someone in the past, and i am paying back the sin that i had committed.
And of course, over all these years, i've not been the perfect girlfriend. During the past 6 months of marriage, i'm definitely not the perfect wife either. I was negligent of his needs, cared a lot about my work than him, took him for granted and never showed my appreciation and love for him. Those who wanted me to give him a chance kept telling me that i am the person at fault for causing this incident, because of my past behaviours of being such a lousy companion.
Yes, probably it is. So i should not and could not blame him in anyway. The path that i have to choose it to forgive. That is the foremost important thing to do. I must learn forgiveness to free myself of the misery and to achieve inner peace. It does not necessarily mean that i must be with him to mean forgiveness; it simply means that i will no longer dwell on this unhappy past and can live a normal and happy life again, whether alone or together.
Labels: introspection, love
