When i was there, 贝 was preparing coffee for me. For that brief moment, i almost felt like everything was back to normal, and 贝 was still the one who would make the coffee i like everyday, out of his love and care for me.
Yet, things are not the same. It can never be the same anymore, for every life experience leaves marks on us, and changes us, for better or worse.
Sometimes i feel that the same life as before may not have been so ideal after all. There were inherent problems that we had ignored that may have resulted the situation today. So even if we are really back together again, i would not want to be the same again. I would want it to be better, our love to be stronger, and our marriage to withstand time and all temptations from the outside world.
To have that is not easy. It is very difficult in fact.
Everything just came back to me when i saw him yesterday. He had yet another mobile phone purchased by the company, and i thought to myself if this would make it even easier to have affairs. When the sms tone rang, i'd suspect if it is from that girl. When he was looking at me, i'd wonder if in his heart he is missing her and still like her very much. See, all the destructive thoughts just returned.
I also felt the heartache when i saw him, and couldn't help crying again. This made him very frustrated, probably at himself, for seeing how he had hurt the person he deemed to love and cherish. I was still in a bad shape because i haven't been eating and sleeping well for more than a month. This added on to his worries.
Now i strongly believe that it is right for me to move out, despite the inconvenience, extra money spent and tougher lifestyle. If i were to stay on, i'd forever be trapped in that vicious cycle of emotional roller coaster. The time out here is absolutely needed, for me to calm myself and to think with a clearer mind.
Human mind tend to register unhappy events better than happy ones, so it is not possible for me to forget this emotional affair and the hurt he has caused. Unless i suffer from amnesia, this memory will follow me forever. It is not my intention to forget it anyway, but to forgive. To forget is impossible because of how our brain works, but to forgive is definitely possible as many people have managed to do so. Yes, it is not easy, but not impossible either.
For now, as DS said, the most important thing for me is not to think about all these. What i must do it to love myself more and to take care of myself first. If i couldn't even stop crying, eat well and sleep well, then the more i am not ready to make the right decision and to work on tougher thing, such as to learn forgiveness.
Labels: love
