You see, in my world, there is simply no "trying". Just like Master Yoda from Star Wars once said, "No, try not, do or do not...there is no try..."
Uh huh, to me, it's only to do or not to do; there is no trying. I always feel that if we set our mind to do something, then we should give our 100% in doing it. If we tell ourselves to try our best, we are giving ourselves a leeway upfront to not put our full effort into it, and giving ourselves an excuse to fail.
Oh yes, i know, some people call this mentality as "perfectionism". I'd however rather think that it is a sense of responsibility and commitment. It is about how much you want to get something done and make it successful.
Love and marriage are something extremely sacred and significant in my life. So to me, the more there is no "trying". It's either to make it work or not.
And i was a production planner before, and a project manager now. In my line of work, i plan for things, i follow up on tasks and push people to abide by the schedule, i make sure things go as plan, i take calculated risk, and i manage the risk to ensure the project will not fail.
That probably explains why i am pushing so hard when it comes to salvaging the marriage. I've lost my trust in the person i love so much; i've lost my confidence in regaining the happiness in our relationship. Yet, i do not want to let go of the marriage, for i love 贝 so much that i am willing to take the chances and believe in the impossible, despite the little voice of devil which keeps telling me that our happiness has forever been lost. I see the risk in failing it, and if i were to still take the risk, i'd wanna make sure it will work out.
Hence i am pushing myself and pushing 贝 so hard. I want to see things happen, and i want to make it happen. Every clash we had only discouraged me further in believing that the marriage can still be a success. Everytime 贝 treated me with impatience, sarcasm, disrespect, anger, aloofness, passiveness, thoughtlessness, insensitivity and inattentiveness, my confidence in his love for me reduced further. Everytime he belittled the magnitude of the hurt or shows his disgruntlement for the need to share his life like an open book (which is what marriage between two persons is all about in the first place anyway), my disappointment deepened.
Then i'd become irrational, and 贝 would behave even more differently from what i hope of him. And that again put me in distress and i'd be even more irrational, and 贝 would react even more negatively.
So you see, it's a vicious spiral, which goes round and round and round, but only to get worse and worse and worse each time.
It finally reaches the point that i realise i should stop pushing so hard anymore. This is, after all, not a project that i should set a timeline and target. It is not something i can manage, not the risk nor the person. There is only that much that i can do (and have already done too much in fact), and the rest is really beyond my control.
To me, or to any women for that matter, it is no rocket science to salvage the marriage and to help the betrayed wife to overcome the hurt and sorrow. All the husband has to do is just to truly understand and empathise with what the wife is going through, instead of blaming or chiding her for feeling hurt and sad; he should show his love and patience instead of giving her the cold shoulder or deliberately throwing sarcasm at her or getting defensive; he should be willing to go the extra mile to earn back the trust instead of unwilling to compromise.
But then to men, it seems like all these are beyond rocket science. It's either 贝 does not understand, refuse to understand, or he fully understands but just refuses to do so. Frankly, i do not know which and i am tired of guessing already.
Well, in fact, i am tired of pushing anything anymore. For instance, just an hour ago, i was sharing with him my inner most feeling about how much hurt i am going through, and how difficult it is for me sometimes to force myself to carry on. After the talk, what i got was not acknowledgement of my feelings and tender consolation; instead, i was brushed down for not wanting to let go and move on. And guess what, i wasn't even surprised at his reaction, as i had somewhat expected it.
So really, this time in my life, i cannot take the "do or die" approach anymore. After all, there are two parties in a marriage, and when one of them does not carry this kind of attitude, there will only be clashes after clashes if there is no compromise. I will have to take the "try" approach, the "just let it be" and "let nature takes its course" approach.
Uh huh, just try for some time loh... if it works out, it works out; if not, then at least i've tried. Frankly, this was never my attitude towards anything in life, but then, for this once, it seems like the only way i can go if i want to carry on.
And i do want to carry on. Very much so.
Labels: introspection
