Over the past 8 years, whenever i was on business trips, 贝 would miss me very much. He had told me that the moment i went into the cab heading to the airport, he would be missing me already. Sometimes if i were on a longer trip, he'd even put in his MSN the message "come back quick". All these always filled my heart with warmth, knowing that someone who loves me dearly is missing and waiting for me to return.
Now, going on a business trip is an entirely different thing. For these past few months, whenever i was in KL, the feelings were very different. There is a void in my heart that saddened me, that put me in a melancholy mood.
贝's heart had been filled with the thoughts of another woman instead of me. Not being around did not have the same effect on him anymore. And i have been out of the house for 1.5 months already. He may have probably gotten use to not having me around, or even discovered that back to living like a "bachelor" isn't such a bad thing after all.
It really hurt me to know that 贝 wasn't missing me as much as i was missing him. It was actually rather obvious from the call records that i found out since i left home. Oh yes, that pierced right through my heart, but then, it probably was because at that time, i was still unable to face the fact that his love for me had changed; i was still unable to accept that reality that all the love and care that were showered upon me for so many years are no longer present.
That's the thing that i cannot figure out, and probably never will. A person who loves you deeply one day may just have a change of heart the very next day. How could love be so volatile? How i wish my love can be mercurial too, and probably then i would not have suffered as much.
Yet, that's me -- a hopeless romantic who still believes in true love despite being hurt time and again. I've met some people who had been hurt and no longer believe in true love. They kept telling me that there is no such thing as eternal love and the most important thing in life is money. I just can't convince myself of that.
Really, i gotta keep that faith that true love does exist and is beyond everything else in the world (even money). And by the same token, true happiness does exist too, and it originates not from money either, or at least not solely from it.
I have now accepted that things have changed, for better or for worse. Accepting and facing the past may not lessen the hurt, but it does enable me to move on, with courage and hope. Not talking about it or not thinking about it is not the way. I do not believe in burying the problems with sand, for as time goes by, all the sand may be blown away and the problems re-surface. It is only by staring the problems in the face, learning from it, and changing ourselves if necessary, that we will be another step closer to finding true love and embracing true happiness.
I have been weak, and may still be at times. But i am sure i will get stronger eventually.
Labels: introspection, love
