I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

Cogito ergo scribo

Saturday, May 09, 2009

The guessing game

贝 told me that his heart and mind are in a whirl now, and hence i gotta give him time to calm himself before he knows of what to do.

When i asked him what was troubling him, he couldn't put it into words, or perhaps he didn't wanna tell me.

It is understandable that when i said i am troubled, for i was the one who was badly betrayed and hurt; i lost all trust and confidence in this relationship. Throw in 贝's bizarre behaviours, i am at a total lost as to whether or not this marriage can still work in future. On one hand, i feel that it can, for i still love him deeply; on the other, marriage without trust will not be strong, and i need him to work with me on it. So really, i seriously do not know what to do.

Yet, for him, he said that he had never thought of splitting up with me at all. If his words are true, then whether to continue this marriage or not is not one of the things that's bothering him.

Also, if he had indeed already severe all ties with that woman, then whether to stop with her or not, or how to stop, should also not be one of the things that's troubling him anymore. If what he told me about he no longer has any feelings of affection for her is true too, then missing her badly should not be the factor of his unease mind too.

So seriously, i do not have any idea what is bothering him so much. My flatmate asked me the same too, and i told her that i was equally puzzled. What he should be troubled about now, beside his busy work, is on how to win me back. But then, he is obviously troubled by something else, which i have no idea what it is.

I am gonna play a guessing game here. The question is, "why is 贝 so troubled"?

Here are my guesses, in the order of likelihood:

  • He wants to get back together, yet he just wants the life to be the same as previously. However, he knows that it is not possible and he finds it hard to accept the life that he will have to endure after we are back together again, because he will essentially lose the freedom that he thought he should have even though as a married man. Hence he is troubled by the future outlook of his life.

  • He realises that he had destroyed our marriage and love for a woman who does not take him seriously at all. He realises that his deep feeling for her was actually not mutual and he had been silly to fall into such "love traps". Hence he is troubled by the feeling of remorse and a badly hurt ego.

  • His own shortcomings and true characters were exposed to him (and me) greatly through this incident. He finds it hard to face himself and face me. Hence he is troubled by this thought of inferiority.

  • My shortcomings and true characters were exposed to him (and me) greatly through this incident. He finds it hard to accept a woman like this as his wife. Hence he is troubled by the thought of continuing a marriage with a wife like me.

  • Through this incident, he realises that his love for me had actually diminished over the years. I am now just more like a family to him than a woman whom he loves deeply. Through this realisation, he knows in his heart that his love can be given / want to be given to another woman again in future, but then he couldn't afford to lose this marriage for various reasons. Hence he is troubled as to whether or not to continue in this marriage.

  • He still has some skeletons in the closet that it would come to dire consequence if i get to know about it. Hence he is troubled as to i'd find out one day.

  • Despite what he said, deep down in his heart, he actually wonders too if he should continue the marriage or not. He also has doubts as to whether or not the marriage can still work. Hence he is troubled by not knowing how to go forward (pretty much like me).

  • He also feels tortured by the whole situation now, and wants to end the marriage so as to end the sufferings. Yet the financial considerations are simply too big for him to afford. Hence he is troubled by being stuck in a situation that he could not just walk off without any repercussions.

  • He misses that woman badly but trying hard to suppress the urge to contact or see her. Hence he is troubled by these "out of love syndromes".

  • He is actually still continuing the affair with that woman, and could not / do not know how to stop. Hence he is troubled as to i'd find out one day.

Well, you know, the list of possibilities can just go and on and on... for there are endless possibilities for everything in life. And the list may not be mutually exclusive too; it may be a combination of various points above that are troubling him.

But then, i can never know the right answer, can i? This is a guessing game that forever will not have an answer.


... maybe

how do i know if she is going to punish me for the rest of my life?

this is simple man's thought...

Share your cogitation

Saturday, May 09, 2009 @ 4:37 pm: Weekend in SG
Thursday, May 07, 2009 @ 4:31 am: My theme song 21
Wednesday, May 06, 2009 @ 4:24 am: My theme song 20
Wednesday, May 06, 2009 @ 3:49 am: Outburst
Monday, May 04, 2009 @ 9:13 pm: My theme song 19
Monday, May 04, 2009 @ 4:38 pm: Rainy morning
Sunday, May 03, 2009 @ 3:00 pm: Hope and disappointment
Sunday, May 03, 2009 @ 2:43 pm: My theme song 18
Sunday, May 03, 2009 @ 1:44 pm: Sincerity
Sunday, May 03, 2009 @ 4:12 am: My theme song 17