I didn't wanna go back with him because i am sick and tired of us quarrelling all the time. I am still at a lost as to how to go forward in this relationship, and he is not helping me at all with his actions (or non-action). So what i should do now is to just follow my heart. Yet my heart is unsure, hence what's best is probably to calm myself down first, focus on myself first, and then only to think about it later.
I remember when i first moved out, my current flat-mate actually asked me why i let 贝 have the car and take turn to go back to JB, which is my mom's home. She said i was essentially giving him the chance and convenience to go see that woman.
Frankly, i had never thought of all these. I care too much about his feelings and his lifestyle that i just didn't want him to go through any hardships. Probably that was a grave mistake on my part as well, for my pampering him actually resulted in him not seeing sooner what he had done wrong and the seriousness of the event. It dragged on and in turn aggravated my hurt and resentments, which will be more difficult to heal as it accumulates.
This weekend, i am still doing the same. Don't i feel worry that he would go meet up that woman? For sure i do.
Yes, he had called that woman in front of me to severe their relationship, but because that gesture was done by him reluctantly, the degree of trust that was rebuilt by it was minimum.
And 贝, being his passive self, will also not make the effort to do anything to reassure me and put my mind at ease. So everytime he gets the car and goes off on his own in Malaysia, i'd be reminded of how i had trusted him previously and never doubted him when he lied to me about going out to do something or to meet some old friends, which turned out that he was actually meeting that woman.
Seriously, can't blame me for that. I mean, when you are being given 100% trust and you actually abused it, then do not expect the same trust again unless something is done to gain it back (and it takes time!).
Unfortunately, i do not think 贝 understands this reasoning at all, and he took my mistrust negatively instead of reflecting on himself as to why the situation would come to this and what should be done to rebuild the trust back. It seems like he still expects the whole thing to still fall back to me, whereby i have to somehow build my trust in him again on my own.
Anyway, i am doing my best to tell myself not to think about it, but it's not easy. I'd just have to occupy my mind with some other things this weekend. I can only tell myself that, if he is really lying again, the truth will surface one day anyway.
Believe me, it always does. Maybe it's a supernatural power or something that's controlling it, these things in life always get to come to light one day by itself, even if we do not go and dig it out. If it really does one day, then he will just have to sow the seeds of his own doings.
Labels: introspection
