Cogito ergo scribo

Over the past one year or so, since i joined this company, i've been working like crazy. Other than the heavy workload, the frequent travelling also added to my stress. So i spent lots of time working, even at home, and neglected 贝 all the time. The work stress also made me appear to be unhappy all the time.

This was one of the many contributing factors to my broken marriage. Yes, 贝 felt that i was not happy with him. And my constant working and stress had made him unhappy too. Hence he was attracted to someone who appeared to be constantly cheerful and who seemed to be always happy to be with him and in turn made him happy too.

So, some of the people have been telling me that i was partially responsible for his affair. I was blamed for bringing work home all the time, and for letting my work stress affecting my mood and subsequently my marriage.

See, the thing is this -- when a woman is too engrossed in her work, she is at fault. But when a man does the same, the wife ought to be understanding.

How unfair this world can be to women? Decades of feminine movement had actually brought us no where huh!

贝 had been super busy at work lately. So really, it will be unreasonable for me to expect him to think of, or diverting his effort and attention to anything else now, including on salvaging our marriage. Of course, to any man, career is the most important thing. It is more so during economic downturn. Frankly, i totally understand that.

But then, it also makes me wonder why being women, we are expected to put our marriage and husbands before our careers, otherwise we aren't playing a good role as a wife? In fact, even without people telling us this, we would feel the same and even willing to do the same.

LF gave up her career for her marriage; my new found friend Joanne spent a decade putting up with her then husband's forever busy workload but only to end up in divorce.

And for me, when this whole fiasco first started, it was at the most crucial time of the first project that i handled single-handedly. The system that i had been working so hard at was going live, just the day after i moved out of our home.

Unfortunately, that was the time when i was experiencing the worst mental instability. I couldn't work at all, and my boss gotta urgently arranged my subordinates to travel from KL to help out. It was as if all my hard work went down the drain, as if the effort i spent on planting the seeds all came to nothing, because when the time came to enjoying the fruits, i was not in the right state of mind to do anything and allow the others to reap the harvest instead.

贝 could not understand at all, and had more than once asked me why i do not want to work. I got furious everytime when he posed me that question. If i could really control myself totally and do what i want, would i even want to risk my career and the excellent perception of my boss on me, after i've hurt my marriage indirectly due to it?

The ironic part is that when it comes to my love for him and our marriage, i couldn't control myself, even when it would affect my career, my health and my well-being. Yet, to him, it's a different situation. He could control himself by concentrating on his career when our love and marriage is on the line, but he couldn't control himself from falling for another woman.

Well, you know what, if there is really a next life, i'd so want to be a man. Definitely.

Labels: opinion, rant