I think, therefore I write. (我思,所以我写。)

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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Rebuilding trust

I was searching the Web for this topic, and came across a few articles. One is a blog post from a relationship coach, and another article from a self-help book author, which i am reproducing the whole piece here.

(It kinda reaffirms my thoughts of how to rebuild trust. At least i know that i wasn't being unreasonable. And sadly, 贝 is doing the opposite of these guidelines, which partly contributed to the difficulties in my healing.)

Rebuilding Trust - Prerequisites for the Cheater

The discovery of marital infidelity is a devastating experience. Even though a marriage can often recover, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome. The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the adulterous spouse, in essence because they are the one that brought an outsider into the marital union. Often, however, the adulterous spouse has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. Therefore, I have composed this guide to assist the adulterous spouse in helping to rebuild their marriage.

If you are the cheating party, you'll need to print this list out and put it in your pocket. If you are the victim of a cheater, you might want to tape this list to the refrigerator, as a reference for your spouse.

1. Stop Lying.
If you love the other man/woman, admit it; if you’re not sure you want to remain in the marriage, say so; if the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worse thing that could happen has already occurred. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair, therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process waaaay back. The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, simply STOP LYING!

2. Do not get defensive or assign blame.
This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything at this point which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, do not waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. Do not point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence, or falling prey to a stalker. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouses anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of our selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.

3. Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman.
Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is extremely disrespectful to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, it is time to break those ties. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to purport that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely no respect for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worse possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the most important to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once.

4. Your life must be an open book.
You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while to get it back. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voicemail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don’t lock your cell phone, call log or address book, and keep the credit card statement in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a huge step in regaining their trust. Although you may feel as though this is a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely necessary if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow, while continuing to hide your cell phone is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.

5. Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know.
Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don’t want to hurt your spouse. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. No, your spouse does not need to know the exact places, times, and positions in which you were intimate with the other man/woman, but they do need to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who as more information about their marriage then themselves. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting around with their lover.

6. Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take.
You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”. The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you’ve confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply not the case. One of the worse things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though it’s “business as usual”. Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a major decision and one which can be both humiliating and stressful. Do not downplay the magnitude of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened two weeks after getting caught cheating. FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS, the adulterous spouse needs to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and thank them for another chance. Additionally, acknowledge how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever. Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance, gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such choices in the future.

7. Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems.
Don’t put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Spending time with attractive, available singles, or forming relationships which could take focus away from your marriage or family commitments, is certainly not wise. Once you’ve rebuilt trust in your marriage, then it is okay to revisit these outside relationships. But for the time being, try to stay away from the bachelor parties, solo trips to Vegas, or nights out with the girls. Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding a recent email from the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won’t hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you, as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.

Lastly, but most importantly, make sure you are truly ready to be faithful and committed to your marriage before attempting to rebuild trust. Nothing is more devastating to a victim spouse then learning to trust a person who betrays them again.


life is too short to follow guidelines. just do whatever you feel like doing.

sadly, "just do whatever you feel like doing" is exactly what the cheating spouse does and ends up breaking the marriage and hurt the other spouse deeply... simply because they think that they are just doing what they "feel" and there's nothing wrong with it.

to me, there are ceratin "guidelines" in life that must be followed, such as doing good and doing right.... and such as knowing marriage is sacred and should keep to the vow...

...but perhaps that's only me.

i know that you are not the only one who has such mentality. in fact, most people do now -- life's too short and just do whatever that will make you happy. that probably is one of the reasons why we have so much divorces nowadays.

Share your cogitation

Sunday, May 17, 2009 @ 7:04 am: Do or try
Friday, May 15, 2009 @ 2:37 pm: My theme song 24
Friday, May 15, 2009 @ 3:18 am: Unfair
Friday, May 15, 2009 @ 2:37 am: Probation
Thursday, May 14, 2009 @ 7:51 pm: More thoughts
Thursday, May 14, 2009 @ 3:31 am: My theme song 23
Thursday, May 14, 2009 @ 3:15 am: Back in SG
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 @ 1:13 pm: Some thoughts
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 @ 12:59 pm: Speeding
Saturday, May 09, 2009 @ 5:33 pm: My theme song 22