It was even more so over weekend, when i used to look forward so much to come back to JB with my 贝. Now i know full well that he still comes into JB every week, but it's to be with that woman. No matter how many times i tell myself that, "it's none of your business anymore", i still feel very sad and angry. The thought of that China woman will replace me totally in his heart, wiped me out of the position in his heart where i have occupied for 8 long years, it just pains me to no end.
I'd wonder what he is doing now with that woman, whether they are out somewhere in JB holding hands having fun, or in some place (rented house or hotel or car) having sex, or being in each other arms telling each other about the things that had happened over the week, lying in bed telling each other over and over again how much they love and miss each other... you know, all the things that he and i are supposed to do as husband and wife (of course, except the having sex in hotel or car part), now he is shamelessly doing it with his shameless mistress.
I know this is something that i cannot change already, and this is something i have to accept no matter what. After all, he and i are going to go separate ways in life. He has every right to be with anyone, even if it's such kind of woman, doing whatever shameless immoral things they wanna do. It's his choice for his life (and after life if you believe in such), for better or worse. I have no control over it, nor am i part of it anymore.
One important thing to note is this, which i've mentioned before: i do NOT hate him at all. Heck, i do not even hate that woman; i just despise and abhor her to the core. I've never once in any of my posts, my emails, or mentioned to anyone that i hate any of them. I even told my family and friends not to hate them.
Why? Simply because i don't, and i don't want anyone to either.
From this event, i realise that i am really a person who is incapable of really hating anyone. I am pissed, angry, mad or whatever negative feelings that you may name it, but it's not hate.
I mean, hate is such a strong word and strong emotions. When you hate a person, you'd want that person to die or to suffer; and depending on the degree of the hatred, you may even want the people related to the person you hate to die or to suffer as well.
So you see, hatred is a scary thing. It changes you, and make you into a bad person. When you hate a person, you are still focusing on that person instead of on yourself; you are putting negative energy on another person instead of positive energy on yourself. To hate a person needs so much energy, and if i have such energy to hate anyone, i'd rather gear it towards healing myself and gear it to loving others.
Hence all my whining are actually letting off my anger. I have not totally cleared off my resentment yet. So perhaps it is the acceptance that i have to work really hard on. I gotta accept the truth into my heart willingly, instead of knowing and facing the truth but still unable to swallow it.
My goal is to know it, or even seeing it one day, but not to have any negative feelings about it. I do not want to feel sad or angry at what he does, but to be happy for him if he is happy with his life and with whoever he has chosen, or to pray for him if he is in misery.
To achieve that is not easy really, but that is really what i want to do from the bottom of my heart. I know very well that only when i can get to that stage, then it's when i have truly let him go, i have truly moved on with my life and not being tied down by all the hurt that these two selfish persons had inflicted on me.
I just want to be at peace with myself. That's all.
Labels: introspection, love
