Too bad that the prayer was not answered. I am now in the office, waiting for the execution.
I've done NOTHING at all on the project. Big boss was gracious enough to let me "work from anywhere" for the whole of last week, but i actually work on nothing instead. I feel extremely bad and a lot of pressure.
I think i will have a talk with him today, most probably ask him if he wants to fire me or something. I do not think it's fair to the company to feed a person who does not do anything at all. Let's see what he will say.
Yes, i know everyone has been telling me to concentrate on the work and forget about all these things. It's really easier said than done. My mind is in a mess; my emotion is unstable; my eyes hurt due to excessive crying and lack of rest; my energy is totally drained due to excessive sleep deprivation and probably malnutrition. And my heart... is having this persistent twinge that makes me hard to breath sometimes -- i am feeling the heartache, literally, constantly.
I am such a weakling, so much so that i think i've let everyone down. All my family, friends and colleagues want me to get over it and move on. Lots of advice, encouragements, care, support, or even harsh words. I know all these are out of love for me, wanting me to stand up, stop being tortured by the past events, stop feeling sad over a person who's not worthy of my love, and start living a more fulfilled and better life.
I will, really, eventually i will. Please don't give up on me. Please give me some more time.
I will get better one day, just not now.
Labels: introspection, work
