He is still now cheating and having things up his sleeve. It pains me to see that a person who is capable of being such good person would come to this. I am sad that he seems to have given up in living an open and aboveboard life, and opted for continuing to be deceitful and scheming, becoming a "serial cheater" for the rest of his life.
My 贝 is a good person. He was helpful to his friends and cared about his family. He has a good heart too. There was once his ex-colleague told him about a friend who was suffering from illness and he actually gave some money to her. There was another instance when he sent in his donation to the newspaper after reading about a news on a badly burnt baby a few years back.
He did all these out of his own will, not because i asked him to, nor to do it to impress anyone. I was very glad and touched when i knew of what he did, convinced that my 贝 is indeed a very good person by nature.
Yet, everything changed after he met that China woman. He told me for the first time after so many years that, "I am not like you who has such high moral values. I am the kind of person who can do evil deeds and don't feel anything when doing it." You can imagine how shock i was to hear him say that, not knowing all along that he is such kind of person, not knowing that the two of us are actually more different than alike.
His behaviours also changed. Not only did he totally ignore the consequence of his behaviours that would hurt his family and me, he even devised wicked scheme with that woman to make use of me financially while they continue on with their affair behind my back, and then wait till the day comes when they are ready and he can just divorce me immediately.
I do not think that woman is the cause of his misdeed actually. He did not change to become wicked actually. There are two sides to him, one evil and one good, constantly fighting to take over. He once told me that his good self (i.e. conscience) spoke to him one day when he was driving to see that woman (when the affair just started), trying to stop him from going but in the end he chose to ignore the voice and succumbed to the evil self (i.e. his indecent desire).
He had also hesitated before going on to the first KL trip with her. I think deep down in his heart, his good self was fully aware that the trip may probably drive him to the road of no return, but in the end he again chose to follow the evil self and went ahead with the trip, which really ended up with him crossing the line in committing adultery.
YY is the kind of person who tends to over-estimate himself in terms of self-control. He always think that he knows what he is doing and won't be affected by anyone. The fact is, even his mom knows it and told me, that he is easily influenced by people, especially the people whom he trusts or is very fond of.
All the years, he spent most of the time with me, and so his evil self was put to sleep. My strong principles in life on doing good and being good had brought out his good self and he would do good on his own accord.
Then, he mixed with bad friends who brought him to bad places and who had no moral values. This had unknowingly awaken his bad self from hibernation, and when he fell for that China woman who also has no moral values to guide him along, his bad self was let loose, took over and put his good self to sleep instead.
I've thought before that probably my purpose to be part of his life is to show him the goodness in him, to make him realise that he can be a good person if he chooses to be.
Yet, now i realise that he may not like this choice after all. Listening to the bad self is so much more fun, so much more exciting in life, while being good is just dull and boring. I am just disappointed that he fails to see that all those years we were together, the serene happiness is the true happiness in life, whereas the current excitement may be exhilarating but it's just temporal joy that has no soul.
I am sad, for my loss of love as well as for his loss of goodness. I do not know when and who else can bring out his good self again, and kill the evil self once and for all. I failed to do that despite all those years of love i had given him. I just hope there will be someone who can do that one day, who can bring out the 贝 in him again.
I just want him to be truly happy in life, in the good way, for the right reason. But there's nothing more i can do for him i guess. It's his choice to make, and it's his life to live.
Labels: love
