He said he missed the old days, and he couldn't let go of that. This is why he doesn't want a divorce, hoping that the good ol' days will return, hoping that we can be back to the happy, blissful and loving days like before. He said he wants to love and take care of me like before.
What he does not see is that this is NOT love. What he can't let go of is NOT me, NOT the love for me. What he can't let go of is the memories and the happiest moments in our lives in the past. What he can't let go of is me not being part of his life anymore.
Basically, that is emotional attachment.
When you lose someone whom you have attached to emotionally, what you will experience is the sense of loss, as if something is missing in your life. You feel that something is just not right, as if your life is incomplete because that someone is not with you. You may feel lonely or apprehension even, not sure on how to move on without that person. You may even fear that the same kind of happiness may not appear again in your life.
Emotional attachment will diminish and disappear by itself as time passes. It can be replaced by another person rather easily if you spend a lot of time with another person.
Yet, love is different. Love comes with emotional attachment too of course, that's why i have those feelings as well.
But love goes a lot further than that. Much more.
When you lose someone you love, especially the one you love deeply, it's not just a sense of loss but it's devastating; it's the feeling that your world has collapse, as if it has come to an end. There's even moments that you hope your life would end.
You would miss the person days and nights, losing sleep, appetite and concentration on everything you do.
You would feel the constant heartache, and whenever you think about the loss you could feel your heart twitching in pain.
True love is not something that will just disappear by itself unless you make a conscious effort to stop it. And sometimes no matter how hard you try, you may not even be able to stop it; rather, it may actually get deeper with time.
And most important, as i mentioned before, you would NEVER EVER hurt the person you truly love, even when the person has hurt you deeply.
Over all those years, i've never done him wrong or hurt him in any way, yet he still hurt me to the core with that woman. He even schemed about doing more harm to me behind my back. Is this what love is about? How can he insult love like that?
What he did with that woman -- all the cheating to meet her, the multiple sexual rendezvous and subsequent criticism about my figure after i lost weight because of this affair, the behaviours of treasuring her more than me (by not wanting to hurt her and rather hurt me), the willingness to squander on her but being calculative with me, the focus on making her happy and worried about her while disregarding my well-being when i was already suffering right in front of his eyes, the betrayal of scheming with her to make use of me for their future happiness... ask yourself, if the person whom you have been with 8 long years and who is your husband treats you this way, how would you feel? Would you possibly be with him ever again?
I will find the courage one day to forgive him on all these things that he did, and i do want to forgive him, but i can NEVER forget. It's just impossible.
It's just like a friend of mine said to me, this marriage is like a big tumour growing on me, and i'm now making the right decision in removing the tumour. But after the surgery, the wound will be there for a long time. I will feel the excruciating pain, i will have to go through after-surgery treatment, i will have to take medication... and even after it is fully heal, the big ugly scar will forever be there. Whenever i see the scar or touch it, i may not feel the pain anymore, but i will forever remember how the tumour has hurt me and how hard it was for me to recover from the ordeal.
Every experience in life makes us who we are today; every choice we make results in where we are today. Our past happiness was made possible by the two 贝s then, but the YY and Pin now are different beings already. We both have changed after this affair, and by separating from each other, we will walk different paths in lives too. We no longer share a common goal in life, our values in life will drift apart, and we will only be further and further away from each other. We have basically become two parallel lines that have no intersections ever again.
He has no love for me anymore. I have no trust in him anymore. The people around me will not accept him into my life anymore. Both he and i are not the same as before anymore. People have changed; circumstances have changed; love has changed.
So really, we have to let go. If he can just face the reality instead of refusing to see the truth, it shouldn't be too difficult for him to let go actually. He had already let go at some point of time during the affair, contemplating leaving me for that woman. Furthermore, he was the one who already has the change of heart, and he has her to love him and to occupy his heart and mind now. With time, he will be able to move his emotional attachment away from me to her.
As for me, both the love and emotional attachment are still there, very strong. It will be so much tougher for me, as the wound is on me... and the scar, is forever.
Labels: love
