On one hand, i told YY to let go and move on. On the other hand, am i doing it myself?
I told him that there's no chance for us to patch back ever again. I told him that there shall be no happiness for us and we have to let go of each other. I told him to stop caring about me and treat one woman wholeheartedly at a time (i mean he should stop holding on to two women at the same time; since he already chosen that China woman with his action, then he should just put his full focus on her and not me anymore). I told him that i've deleted him off my MSN and Facebook, and i told him to stop reading my blog too so as to achieve letting me out of his life completely. I think he should understand all these by now and will do as what i told him to.
When we were first together, it was the time when mobile phones were getting more popular. We went through this era together, and he had bought me a lot of mobile phones as gifts over all those years. It was one of the important means of communication for us. His phone number was always on the number 2 for my speed dial (since number 1 is voicemail). I've also deleted it off from my speed dial, and will be changing my phone soon too since it was a birthday present from him and it pains me to see it.
These are all the gestures that i did to force myself to let go, yet what's really important is my mind and my heart, not these things i do.
I miss him and would wonder if he misses me as much too; i wonder how he is doing now, is he eating well and living a healthy happy life; i wonder what he is doing with our home, and what he is doing everyday and over weekends; i am worried about his job and whether or not he will continue to spend unnecessary money or paying more things for that woman; i wonder if his parents had forgiven him on his misdeeds, and whether or not they are healthy now.
But then, all these are none of my business already. How he wants to lead his life and spend his money, how his family is doing and how they are getting along are all none of my concerns already. I have to tell myself this over and over again. Many years of love and care for him and anything about him must stop now.
Everyday i have to tell myself that there will be no more sms, calls and emails from him again, so i should stop the habit of hoping for it. What good would come out of it even if there is, except making myself more difficult to let go.
Everyday i have to remind myself that he no longer loves me, that he will get over me very soon, that he will be happily living his life with that woman, that all that he told me before about "my life will not be happy without you", "you are the most important person in my life", "i can do anything for you", "we will be together forever", "i will take good care of you for the rest of my life"... are all nothing but lies.
Everyday i have to stop myself from the urge of contacting him, of longing to see him, of wanting to be in his arms again. I have to tell myself that if i really do all these, it will ease my pain momentarily but prolong the process of healing. I am not going to do what he did, i.e. to get instant gratification at the expense of true happiness, or to run away from pain temporarily in exchange of the possibility of future happiness. I have to do the right things, the things that will be good for both of us, and not to live a life of superficial happiness.
I know what i should and shouldn't do, but the mind is too weak to tell the heart to stop.
Yet, my love for him is strong. I want him to be happy, and i know it's impossible for him to be truly happy again if we continue the relationship. It is what i mentioned before in an earlier post:
...many people let go willingly of those they loved and yet hurt them so much so that they could search new happiness. Because they cannot bear to see how the relationship isn't working and how his/her partner was tied down by responsibilities and social pressures & guilt. They see how he/she can be happier with someone else. This act itself is out of love. Love need not be possessive...
At the same time, i want true love and true happiness too. I may not be able to find true love, but at least i can achieve true happiness through other means.
Yes, i want to be happy. And the first step towards it is to get past this stage of misery.
Labels: introspection, love
