Cogito ergo scribo

Just came back from SG. Was there since morning.

Was moving today, from the temporary rented room to a more permanent one. It's really pathetic that how i'd say that i'm renting a permanent room, which is true, as this place may probably be where i'm gonna stay at for the next few years.

When i rented the previous room in a rush, i had thought that i'd only be out here the most for two months, believing that my 贝 still loved me and would definitely turned back. I had thought that when i moved out of here, it'd be back to our home, the place where we spent all our money for, thinking that we would be staying there for a long time and signified our new life together forever.

Yet, i'm now moving, not back to home but to another place that is strange to me. My heart was filled with sorrow for the entire day, thinking about how life has really mistreated me in someway (ya, self-pity again, so please bear with me).

I went back to our home to pick up some stuff, and was reminded again how comfortable and beautiful the place is. The thought of YY living comfortably there while i gotta stay in a room with the landlady and her kids, when it was all his wrongdoings and i've not done anything remotely to deserve this, the resentment i felt should be understandable.

The last time i had to rent a room and stay with the owner was more than 10 years ago, when i was just fresh out of school and working in Penang and subsequently KL. I would have thought that 10 years later, i should be out of such life already. Who knows that i'm back to square one, or probably worse with more numbers added to my age and a broken heart. And i asked myself really, i've been doing good for all my life, striving to be a better person all the time, so really, what had i done to really deserve this????

But then, i told myself not to think about it. Really, what's the point of thinking about it except making myself feeling i'm being short-changed? I gotta accept that there is no fairness in this world. Life is just the way it is; it's either i end it this instant, or i just gotta take in whatever shit that is thrown to me.

I'm telling myself to look at the bright side everyday, but my bright side is currently overcast with cloudy sky. It's raining in my heart, non-stop. It's flooded with sorrow and pain. I'm waiting for the sun to shine again and for the rainbow to finally appear, but then, i'm not quite sure how long i gotta wait for it.

I'm just sad.

Labels: life, rant